Wednesday, December 05, 2012


Year 2012 is coming to an end, and it's that time when people reflect and look forward to new things and come up with new resolutions, etc etc. Well, in terms of goal achievements for this year, I've achieved what most women set out to do every year and usually fail doing, which is to lose weight. I've lost about 8 kg this year, most it attributed to my moving house and taking my dog out regularly which forces me to be a lot more active, and also coz' I eat less. Makes me think the past couple of years going to the gym were kind of a waste, all you need to do in run your own house and keep an active dog.

Resolutions have always been a difficult thing for me. Not so much I usually fail to achieve them, but because I don't consider myself a particularly ambitious person, so I don't know what goals to set for myself because I am too easily contented. I'm not driven to get promoted or get a huge car or house or break some world records or become famous, like some people are. At most I would like to travel and see the world or record some hit songs, but my lack of drive to earn the money or search for opportunities to enable me to do those things, plus being busy with with work kind of puts those desires in the backburner.

Some people might say being content is good, which I would partially agree. As I've mentioned before, having a burning desire to attain something which turns out to be unattainable is quite demoralizing, so it's better to not want at all. It's doesn't feel sucky if you can get something you never really wanted in the first place.

Problem is, when you have no ambition and drive, you sometimes feel like you don't feel like there's a purpose to anything you do. Or there's no purpose to life in general. Especially coupled with the inability to care about anything except myself. Another characteristic I sometimes wish I had, caring about people in general. When I was younger I used to be so sad at the world and wanted to make a difference, make a change, help make the world a better place, man in the mirror, that kinda stuff. Then life happened and now, I still think the world is sad, but I don't really give a shit. I know I should give a shit, and sometimes I try to give a shit because I know it's the right thing to do, but it's not an inate caring characteristic of me that motivates me to do it. I could easily blame it the fact that I was raised to not give a shit, but I'll save the explanation on my life lessons learned from parents (not just my own) for another post. The thing I still really care about is animals, coz' I see them as being mostly the innocent defenseless victims of people's stupidity/greed/selfishness, whereas the problems of people are mostly brought about by themselves. I was volunteering at PAWS for a while but stopped since I moved out coz' I've been just too busy. And lazy. In other words, I stopped giving a shit.

So there were any resolutions I would make, it would be for me to be more ambitious and caring. I have no idea how to achieve those since it involves changing my character, but if I could get there, and get round to working out some goals in life that I would actually be driven to achieve, it would certainly beat going the way of King David writing the book of Ecclesiastes.

Of course, all that doesn't matter if the Mayans are right and the world goes kablooie on the 21st, which is unlikely to happen but at least if it did, then lack of resolutions, among other things, is no longer a problem. Lol.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Life with the furkid & ending the cycle

Rather quickly, it's been almost two months since I moved into my rented place and since then have been living alone with Friendster, the happy dog from my office. I don't have a housemate yet, and I'm not sure now if I want to get one coz' I quite enjoy living alone and doing things the way I like without anyone else bugging me about it. Right now, I don't know any friends interested to move in, and I'm not really comfy with the idea of living with a stranger coz' who knows what kind of annoying behaviours will crop up. So for the moment, it's just me as my doggie.

Far as I'm concerned, I have the best dog in the whole world and I treat him like a kid. He has the most innocent face a dog could have. I don't just let him into my house, but also into my bedroom. Technically, he's not allowed on my bed or couch, but he usually tries to get my attention when I'm lying down, so he likes to come over when I'm sleeping or resting, and step up on the bed or couch. Initially, he was wary of the bed, but now he keeps trying to come up and I keep trying to push him off, although rather half heartedly considering all he really wants is my affection. He likes putting his head underneath my arms so I can pamper him with hugs and scratching him on the ears or neck to make him happy while I'm in my groggy, sleepy stupor. If I had just bathed him the night before, then I sometimes allow him to lie next to me on my bed. So he is probably one of the most pampered mongrels in the world. It's kind of a good way to wake up in the morning, when my alarm goes off but I'm having trouble peeling myself off the bed and this wet nose starts poking at me, bugging me to wake up. Only problem is the amount of fur he leaves all over the place is rather insane, and I have to vacuum the house almost every day because of it. Small price to pay to enjoy his antics, I guess.

One time I got a stain on my living room curtains, so I was using a cloth to wipe it off. This fella sees me cleaning the curtains, and I think he wanted to help coz' he came over and started brushing his body against the curtains too. That was pretty cute, and so childlike, it was really funny. He also hardly ever barks, not even at people walking past the house. But that doesn't mean he can't, and fortunately he barks when he hears suspicious noises. Which is good, coz' if he senses danger around the house, he would start barking and alert me, which of course is very useful as a single lady staying alone.

I did not have toilet train him at all, since he only pees and poos on the grass. I only need to take him out in the morning and evening and he won't do his business at all in the house, even when I'm out the whole day at work and he's at the porch, which is completely paved, so no grass for him to pee on. I don't know if that's really healthy for him, so I'm now trying to look for a patch of astroturf to attract him to use it in case of emergencies, but I'm not really sure where to get one and my efforts to locate one have come to naught. I haven't done any gardening in my life, so obviously I wouldn't really know where such shops are. Oh well, will find some eventually.

He's also good in that most of the time when I come home from work and open the gate to drive my car in, he doesn't try to run away. He walks around, waits for my car to go in, at the most runs outside to take a pee on the grass, then comes back in. He only does this when I'm coming home though, and only if I've been gone the whole day, I guess because he misses me after not seeing me a whole day, and wants my attention. Unfortunately, sometimes when I'm leaving the house to go somewhere or when I come back after being out for a short while, he still runs out every now and then and it's impossible to catch him. The only way to get him back in the house is to wait for him to come back on his own, which he does eventually once he's done running around a bit. Once he did that and I was late for a meeting with a friend, plus it was raining, so I got really mad at him and once he came back, I smacked him on the butt pretty hard and he got scared of me and tried to hide. It was the only time I got angry enough at him to hit him hard, but I think he learned from it, and that's why now he does not run out when I come home anymore. But I don't take any chance when I'm going out, so I just tie him out while I'm going out and let him loose once my car is out of the gate. I did feel kinda bad whacking him too. You know like how parents always say whacking the kid hurts them more than the kid. Kinda felt like that. The wonderful thing is that he was still all loving with me after that. That's why I love dogs, they aren't the type to hold grudges.

So well, this is my life right now and I'm not quite sure what the plan is from here on. Not exactly the life I thought I'd have at almost 30 years old, but I suppose it could be worst. I can afford to support myself, enjoy the freedom of a single life, and I enjoy the affection of my dog whom I love like I would my own kid. I spent most of my life like most people, hoping to find the right partner and have someone to enjoy my time with until our old age, but well, I've learned that our dreams sometimes don't turn out the way we expected it to, and for too many couples, romance turns sour after a while. I cannot guarantee that my relationship with a guy would not turn out the same way either. At least with my dog, I'm pretty sure he won't start ignoring or losing interest in me after a while, coz' dogs are generally loyal creatures, whereas people will usually lose interest or change their behaviour after a while. I should know, I don't easily become interested in guys anymore because my criteria for a life partner are include that they must be intelligent and interesting to talk to, and in the past few years, I have only met two guys who met that criteria and actually seemed to enjoy my regular company. At first. I then made the mistake of making my interest in them known, and subsequently both of them no longer chat or want to spend time with me like they did before. So yeah, it gets a bit lonely sometimes, not having anyone to chat with anymore. But I can understand their reasons for rejecting me and wanting to withdraw. Both were badly hurt in previous relationships, one never wants to be a committed relationship again because he just cannot go through that again, and the other one gives a lot of other reasons why he's not interested, but I guess from our previous talks that part of his actual reasons are the same as the first guy. So to stop me from being interested in them, they withdraw. It sucks, but well, I suppose it's for the best. I have been doing a pretty good job of maintaining my mental zen room, so most of the time, I don't feel the suckiness.

The side effect is that I now deal with new guys who are interested in me in the same way as these guys have treated me. Carrying on the cycle of disappointment, of sorts. Yes, there have been some guys who show signs of interest. If you're wondering where I meet these guys, well, the internet is a big wonderful place, where if you're smart enough, you know how to avoid the psychopaths and cheats, and meet a lot of good people. And I have made quite a few good friends with I met online before, whom I have maintained friends with for quite a while. But for some of these guys, as in the ones showing signs of interest, after meeting these guys once or twice, I decided they were not worth my time. The reason for rejection might seem a bit strange, but I am not interested because they acted too friendly, too nice, and eager for my attention. It's strange because most people would probably like that, but I don't. Because to me, it's fake. They hardly know me, and I hardly know them, and when they behave this way so soon, I cannot help but think that's just an initial show to get my attention. And once I start biting the bait, they will become like most others guys. Lose interest and withdraw. Which sucks. So I don't bite the bait. I don't even go anywhere near the bait. They try to chat with me and I just completely ignore them.

I didn't use to be this way with guys, and I know it's probably not good to break their spirits by being a jerk and not responding to them. But frankly at this point, I just think it's better them than me. And for that reason, I try not to meet people online anymore. I don't see much of a point if I'm going to behave this way, and I don't want to continue meeting guys and disappointing them. If I were really so jaded with life and the male species in general, I could very easily continue leading guys on and breaking them, just to derive some fun out of doing so, but I haven't become quite so evil yet. So I'd rather stop trying to meet people then let this cycle continue. Which means it'll be a while before I have anymore fascinating chat conversations about anything and everything with somebody, but hey, at least I have my loving doggie.

Well, a bit on the faintly bright side, recently I met a guy, not online, but through other means, i.e. he wanted to adopt my turtle for breeding, and I gave it to him. Turns out we have a lot in common... both from Monash, both have a brother in the US, both like animals and nature, both living on our own in a house, and he's a Christian. So we're been chatting on Whatsapp a bit every now and then, not very regularly. I certainly don't know him enough to be interested, and he's not talking to me enough for me to think he's interested either. But well, it's nice to have a new friend to talk to. I'm not hoping for anything further than that though. I'm happy to just have someone to chat with every now and then, and break the monotony of a boring day at work or a quiet weekend of doing nothing much. I expect that sooner or later, he'll disappear completely as well, and it wouldn't make a difference to my life.

I know all this might sound a little depressing, but well, the fact of the matter is, life does not always turn out the way we hope, and for those who are not so blessed with the desires of our heart, the important thing is being able to accept it, learn from it, carry on, live positively with other goals in life, and enjoy what the love we get from family and friends, and even a happy little mongrel from the street. :)

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Up the wall

This is the kind of thing my mum does to drive me the wall:

I've been keeping a turtle for a couple of years, which I once found on a road and decided to keep it. I have no problem feeding it and caring for it myself and I only need her to care for it when I'm outstation. But yet she takes it upon herself to give it water and food in her own time coz' she thinks I don't do it often enough, although I try to explain to her that the turtle only sleeps all day therefore getting water twice or three times a day is enough, and it doesn't even eat everyday. But anyway, she still does it herself coz' I apparently don't do a good enough job.

Fine, you wanna do something coz' you think your way is superior then I'm ok with it. Except that as with everything else in life, she complains about the turtle. When I'm not around, she complains to my dad about how she always has to take care of it, and it's a problem for her and yadda yadda yadda. Again, this is after I have told her that I can do it MYSELF. But she doesn't believe that I'm capable of it for God knows what reason.

So I decided, fine, if she's just going to make it her problem and complain about it, I'll get a new home for it. So a few months back, we took to a turtle pond in KL hoping it would like the place. Well, unfortunately I have the only turtle in the world that can't swim. So when it was in the pond,it looked like it was going to drown. So we took it back and been keeping it since. And it was not ME who insisted to take it back, but her. And yet she would still occasionally complain about it to my dad.

So now that I'm moving out, I tried to find someone to adopt the turtle instead. And I did. Today I was all ready to send the little bugger over. But guess what? My mum had aaalll these questions about who these people were, how can we know that they will take care of it properly, would they lose it, yadda yadda yadda. In the end, she said she doesn't want to give it away coz' she doesn't trust that anyone else can take good care of it. So I had to tell the other person that  it ain't gonna happen.

So essentially it goes to show that whatever anyone does in the world, it's not good enough for my mum, so she ends up doing everything by herself and at the same time she will complain about why nobody can ever do things the way she wants us to.

Why? Why? Whyyyyyy????

Friday, September 14, 2012

Stuff I want for my house

General basic stuff

- Curtains, need them for the living room. Something with a funky pattern like this

- Bedsheets, also with some awesome patterns like this

- Non-stick cookware. I actually saw a RED non-stick cookware set at Carrefour going for RM139. I am sooo wanting that

- Of course I would need red utensils to with the cookware, and I also saw a red set at Carrefour. Wee ha!

This would go nicely with the red cookset too. :D

- Plates and bowls too. Another awesome design :D

 - Induction cooker. Coz' gas stoves are a potential fire risk that a single lady can't afford to have and the only form of red I won't like

- Clothes dryer rack, else I'll have nothing but wet clothes to wear. And just so happens Carrefour also has a red set going for RM30-ish. On the shopping list it is.

- Garment steamer. Coz' iron and ironing board is just too troublesome

- Cute little display cabinet

 For security reasons

- Baseball bat. I'm kid you not. This will be kept in my room for use in case of unwanted intruders

- Fake surveillance camera, to ward off the crooks who are dumb enough to believe it's real

- Warning sign to put on the gate for added effect :P

Stuff I want for my dog
- My pooch should have a nice place to sleep too.

- And a couple of nice bowls to eat and drink from too

- Auto dog food dispenser, for those long days out, and if necessary, when I'm travelling (colour needs work though)

- Dog tag with his name on it and my number in case of emergencies ^_^

The stuff I can only dream about....

The good thing is that the house itself is painted white, so don't worry, your eyes will not melt when you come to visit my house of red stuff. I think.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Moving out soon, with some wierdness and drama on the side

I decided to rent a place in SS19 and just put down the deposit this week as well as booked some furniture for the place. There were two places I was interested in, one looked a bit older and wasn't repainted on the inside but was partially furnished with wardrobes and kitchen cabinets and the landlord said he would put in an air-conditioner for free. At first I was going to go with that, but the stupid thing about that house is that the main bathroom is in the master bedroom, so if I had a housemate, she (or he, but it would have to be a very trustworthy 'he') would have to go into my bedroom to use the toilet, which is more than weird. The other place, the rent is slightly higher but it was fully repainted and the living room space is bigger, plus the main bathroom is outside of the bedrooms, so no issues there, but it's completely unfurnished which means I need to get everything myself. Last Saturday, when I saw both places, I was so ready to go for the first one, and I actually told the landlord I would bank in the deposit that day itself. But something kept bugging me to go for the other one (I think I wasn't very comfy with the first landlord) so I went with my gut and had to inform my agent for the first place that I wasn't going for it after all.

Sidetracking a bit, that agent was a bit weird too. He would send me multiple smses telling me the same thing, only paraphrased. And he kept sms-ing me with 'oks' and 'thanks'.

Weirdos like these should be arrested for abuse of their phones.

So anyway, I'm now trying to decide whether to shift out this weekend or wait til end of of the month. I can do either, and since my wonderful mum has forbidden me to take a bed and or wardrobes (apparently it's more important for my brother and sister-in-law in the US who comes back once in every 2 to 3 years to have a place to sleep, so in the remaining time the bed can just kinda rot), I can move out easily.

Sidetracking a bit AGAIN, as expected, she was not happy about me moving out. For some reason, if I'm moving overseas to find a better life, it's fine. Or if I'm moving out because I'm getting married, it's fine. But if I'm moving out single because I want my own space to do things however I like, it means I'm rebellious and unappreciative of all the things she has done for me after sooo many years. And it's too difficult for me to explain that I do know she has done a lot for me, but the thing is, but I'm old to enough to run things how I want without being subjected to her restrictions of how a house should be run, and I don't see why she has to interpret me moving out like it's because I hate her or don't appreciate her. In her mind, I am free to do a lot of things, but I can't invite friends over because she hates the house getting dirty. I can't decorate the house however I want coz' she complains it all becomes junk. I can't keep any more animals because she always makes it into her 'problem' although I'm perfectly capable of taking care of my pets myself. She always has something to complain about and no matter what I or my father do to try and meet her expectations, nothing makes her happy. And when I said I was moving out, she had a wonderful comment about how I have no brains to think about how difficult it will be living by myself, although when I was 21 years old I lived almost a whole year by myself, taking care of my own space and survived quite well. The funny thing is when I told my dad I was moving out, he said that HE wanted to move out because of my mother's ridiculous expectations as well. It's sad as well because we are not the only family members who have issues with her, and she simply cannot understand why. She just gets mad and miserable about why all people just can't follow her way of doing things or meet her expectations, when the fact is just that not everyone thinks like her or believes her way is best.

So anyway, it's unfortunate that is came to this, but I'm sure how to talk to her anymore, so I just don't talk to her. To be honest, and I know that this may actually sound evil of me as a child, but I wish that when it comes the times her to go, I wish she would just pass away quickly and easily. Because if she was to be bedridden, I can only imagine the string of irate comments that will come out of her every day and have to be dealt with by whoever is taking care of her. It's not only to spare whoever that person is, but also if she would rather complain all the time about small things instead of enjoying more important things, you know, like actually talking to your children and getting to know why they think or act a certain way instead of getting all uptight because they don't think like you, then what joy is there in your life? You live an angry life, and you make your family feel bad all the time.

Sorry, sidetracked a bit too much there. I am looking forward to my own place. Of course, the feeling is marred a bit, although I was pretty much expecting it, but there's nothing much I can do about her, I can only do what I need to do for myself and hope things get better between us one day. I have a wishlist of stuff, which would probably make up my next post. Hey, it's not only the married people who should get housewarming gifts, right? Hint hint hint.

Friday, September 07, 2012

The reason

Yesterday I chatted with him after a week of silence between us. I had thought that he had decided he didn't want to talk to me anymore, which was really annoying to me because I told him specifically not to shut down. Apparently he thought I had changed my mind about wanting to still be friends too. A big lesson for me was to never jump to conclusions (something I usually try to do, but in this case, I failed miserably), coz' confronting him led him to tell me the real reason why he's been keeping quiet. Which is also the real reason why he's not ready for a relationship, and why he can't say when he will be, if ever.

It's something personal enough that I can't say what it is, but it's big enough that most of what he said and did now makes total sense (some parts still don't make sense somewhat, but it's minor enough to ignore). I wished he had just told out front and saved me a heckuva lot of confusion/ turmoil/ annoyance/ all of the above. But now that I do know, the only thing I can do is, well, be a friend.

Sunday, September 02, 2012

My future kid(s)

Don't worry folks, I'm not pregnant. I'm referring to the dog I really want to adopt as soon as I get my own place. Yeah, I know a few posts back I was mulling over the idea of moving out of the country to Aussieland. But I decided I much rather stay home instead. It's just a bit too adventurous of me to move there alone with no idea what will happen. Would have been much easier if I had done my studies there and stayed on... now... a bit difficult to make friends when you're working. :( Plus, I'm just lazy to go through all that hassle of applying for PR, looking for a new job, new place in another country, etc, etc, bleh bleh. Anyway, my folks are a bit on the elderly side now, and considering I have one bro already out of the country and another having his hands full with three kids to feed, I'm the only one left to take care of the old folks if anything ever happens to them. I would also miss watching my nieces grow up. And most of all... the awesome Malaysian food. Plus I hate cold weather, which does happen ever so often in Australia. 

I'm still planning to get my own place here though. I have been more actively looking for a house for the past week. The reason may be a bit silly, but as those of you who actually read my blog (for God knows what reason) would know, there's this dog outside my office that I've gotten really attached to. Initially, I was hoping to get someone to adopt him, which is why I posted this little video on Youtube in June.

Then I started feeding him, along with my boss, who is an animal lover who puts me to shame (he is vegetarian just because he doesn't want animals to get killed for his food). My boss also named him Lucky, which is a name I don't like coz' it sounds like the type of name a Chinaman with very poor English would name his dog (and each time would call him as "Ah LAK-KY-aaaah!"). So I call the dog by a different name, Friendster. And I think he's gotten pretty attached to me too. This dog is really quiet. I had NEVER heard him bark, until after I got back from a week long trip to Cambodia. The first time I saw him after that, he came bounding towards me and was yelping with joy at seeing me, and tried to climb all over me like he usually does, except with more excitement than usual. My heart was totally stolen from that point on, I think.

The second time that showed he had gotten attached to me was when two dogs around the area came near my office while I was feeding him. These dogs were not as friendly as him, and even seemed a little aggressive. So while I like dogs, I didn't want to feed them as this would encourage them to hang out next time for food. And I'm sure my Muslim colleagues would not appreciate having so many dogs hanging around outside our office. So I tried to shoo them away. Before I did that, Friendster was hesitant of what to do with these other dogs, and I thought he was too friendly to try and take them on. I was quite surprised after I tried to shoo them away, he took that as a cue to go after them, and he was just chasing and barking after them. One of him, against two of them! And those guys were baring their teeth like they weren't going to go away without a fight, so I was a bit worried for my doggy friend. Luckily they were more afraid of me than him, so I managed to shoo them away... while Friendster helped along and probably thought he was doing a fine job of getting rid of those other ragamuffin mutts. That episode showed that he was trying to protect me, and that means he consider me as his 'top dog'. And I was impressed... the quiet friendly fellow had some guts in him after all!

I didn't realize just how attached I'd gotten to him until sometime last week, when another colleague came up to me and said that the boss was looking for someone to adopt the dog, and promoting him through the German embassy (German boss, for your info). And at that moment, I thought I was almost going to have a nervous breakdown at the thought of not being able to see and play with him anymore. I immediately told that colleague and my boss to stop trying to find someone else coz' I wanted him and I was trying to look for a suitable place. My boss was quite happy to hear it, since he would then be able to visit him anytime.

So coz' of that I'm really making the effort to find a place now. And I'm more likely going to buy then rent, coz' I wanna have control over my house to do whatever I like. Which means I can own a dog without any annoying landlord bothering me about it. It may sound like a pretty dumb reason to look for a place (of course, there are other reasons, like I just don't want to stay with my parents forever for the sake of my sanity), but you know how some people consider their pets like their kids. Well, this dog is like a kid to me. I wasn't quite sure how I would manage taking care of a dog by myself, especially when I have to travel. But I do have some ideas, like I know a church uncle who does a daily maid cleaning business, and I might be able to get him to come by when I'm traveling so one of his maids can feed my dogs and clean the poop. Or I could get a trustworthy neighbor to do it. Or the best idea is to rent out of the rooms of my house to a person who doesn't mind helping to take care of my dog while I'm away. Easier said than done? I hope not!

Initially I thought a condo or apartment with a big area might be ok for one medium sized dog. But not I think I will definitely get a landed place. Coz' I've also pretty much decided that I need another dog to keep Friendster company when I'm out. And I think I found that perfect companion in the form of ANOTHER stray near my office, who looks like this (try to ignore the freaky green eyes due to reflection of my camera flash. I assure you, the dog is not an alien).

I met this fella a few months ago near an economy rice shop just a few roads down from my office. He has shorter legs, which makes him cuter. And he is really friendly as well. That was the only time I saw him... until yesterday when I went to feed Friendster and I saw that he had a friend with him, which was the same short legged black dog I had seen before.

It was funny at first coz' the black dog was trying so hard to get close to me and be friendly, but Friendster got into his protective mood again and tried to chase him away (in a non-aggressive manner, but more as though he was warning the other dog not to touch me). It was only after I told him no, and held him back, then he figured I'm ok with this dog, and so they started playing with each other instead. I fed them both, which made them really happy. Had a little homemade tug-a-toy which I used to play with both of them (imagine one dog grabbing each end and trying to yank it from each other. Super funny!).

In the end, when I wanted to go home and I was sitting in the my car with the door open, the black dog came and jumped up, putting his paws on my lap. And Friendster, not wanting to be left out, did the same thing. So I had two dogs with their paws on my lap, demanding attention and probably trying to get me to stay and play some more. Heart melted again.

So yes, when I get my own place, these two boys are going to be MINE. >:)

♥ BFFs forever! ♥

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Hierarchy of needs (edited)

Yesterday I was aiming to buy some new shoes. Some of my current pairs are too worn out that they would fall apart any second, so I need a pair of basic black and slightly bling shoes for special occasions.

Possibly one good (or weird, depending on how you see it) thing about me is that when I have a shopping target, I go to shopping malls by myself with only that target in mind and I don't get sidetracked easily by other things like clothes. I went to 5 shopping complexes yesterday just focusing on this one goal, and I've found some other shoes I like, but not the type I need. And after few hours of walking around, my right knee started to freeze up on me (old taekwondo injury) and I wrote the first part of this post sitting on a bench at Subang Parade waiting for it to get better (continued the rest of it at home on my lappytop).

The whole time walking around by myself puts me in my usual contemplative mood. Now I contemplate my plans for the rest of my life, assuming that I will always be single. I wonder if I should stay in Malaysia or go overseas, probably to Australia, most likely to Brisbane coz' living next door to the Gold Coast would be awesome. If I stay here, I have three important things, which is family, friends and good food, unlike the boring stuff in Aus. But right now, I so want get my own place coz' living with my folks is a bit of a drag. I'm almost 30 years old, I should have the freedom to run my own abode, decorate it however I want, put things wherever I want, without being nagged at every now and then for not following someone's occasionally ridiculous rules (even putting the shower head facing down is wrong? Sigh). Also, there's this dog outside my office now which I've grown to love to bits, but I can't keep coz' he's too big for a condo and my mum would complain about him anyway. My office mates call him Lucky, which I think is a boring name, so I call him Friendster, coz' he's really friendly and I spend way too much time on social media than I should. So I have this little dream on my own place where I will steal him away and it'll just be the two of us (and my other mini animals) at my place, where Friendster will be the 'man' of the house. Right now, that's the most exciting prospect I have in my life staying here.

If I go the Australia, it's much more of a gamble. Aus is a beautiful place, I would enjoy the sights and sounds, of course, maybe earn enough to set up good investments back home, help pay for my nieces' education, travel around the world, stuff like that. Plus working life is not as stressful. Socially, I could make a whole bunch of new good friends, and possibly even meet that elusive dream guy that is so hard to find. But I could end up being more of a loner than I already am, be taken for a ride by guys are just like the 'exotic-ness' of Asian girls but really aren't interested in the long run, and be strapped with high cost of living. So not really sure if it's as good an idea in practice as it is on paper. Aus would be nice to go to, if I had someone in my life to go with. At least starting a new life with someone makes it easier if things don't work out. Going by myself with no real idea of how things will work out is just really scary. Decisions decisions.

Some people might envy the fact that I still have this freedom to decide what to do with my life. Financially, I am secure enough to do a lot of the things I want to. I was even asked by a friend once why I need do I need a guy in my life when I can obviously take care of myself. I can afford to travel, go diving, do pretty much whatever I want, etc. The friend who asked me that was also the guy that recently blew my emotional stability out of the water for a few days, but he asked that question a long time ago, way before he ever got into my radar as a potential partner.

I have since also been asking myself the same question. Why hope for a guy when I don't need him and I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself? Why would I want to make myself accountable to a guy when I don't need to be accountable to anyone. I can just do what I want without worrying if he's not happy with it? I am quite comfortable being alone, in fact I am used to doing a lot of things by myself, like shopping for shoes, having meals, even watching a movie alone is fine by me. I know some people who can't even stand having a meal alone, and I have trouble understanding why these people hate being alone. I can only deduce that they are uncomfortable with the thoughts they get when in solitude, which most likely go along the lines off 'I'm so alone today, nobody loves me, sad sad sad'. I am tempted to write such people off as insecure weaklings, but I also realize that the good thing about such people is that they make the extra effort to be with family and friends, thus reinforcing relationships, which people like me aren't really bothered to do because we'd usually rather do some stuff alone than have someone tag along which sometimes is an inconvenience.

So again, I keep coming back to that question. I don't need a guy, I can handle myself alone, why can't I just be happy with that? If I could break that desire for companionship and just enjoy my singlehood, life would be so much easier. Wouldn't it? The problem is that desire is still not broken. My whole mental zen room that I created recently helps me to ignore that desire. But the desire is still there, jumping around my head, putting niggling thoughts in brain, whereas previously those thoughts would bring me down, now I see them in a disconnected manner, with a mixture of amusement and annoyance, like watching puppies whine outside my room trying to get in. But I cannot get the puppies to go away.

I now believe the why I can't get rid of that desire is because it's not just a desire for me at this stage. It's become a need. Logically speaking, there is never really a 'need' for anyone to have a partner and get hitched. The only things we really need to survive are food, water, shelter and security. Get all that down and you're set for the rest of your life. But of course, people are not that simple. Here's a little something I've been thinking about which I way back in university in a side subject I took called 'Managing Organizations'. It's a little diagram called Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

Physiological need, as I mentioned, are right there at the bottom, after which is the need for shelter and security. Then you have all this other stuff above those needs, which funnily enough if you think really logically about it, aren't classified as 'desires', which would imply that they are unnecessary to survive. They are all also needs. Of course, you need to meet the basic needs at the bottom first before prioritizing the upper level needs, but of course, I and most of my peers have got the bottom parts settled, no problem. And most of us would already have, to some extent, the other stuff at the top. But the problem for me is that middle tier called 'Love and Belonging'. Yes, I know I have friendship and family right now, which meets that need in part. But in the long term, friends will not necessarily be around forever, my parents will not be around forever, and the rest of my family will have their own little families to take care of. And it is that worry of reaching that point in my life when I am well and truly alone that fuels the existence of those whiny puppies outside my mental room.

Also, I used to think that being comfortable with solitude means I do not need to be with people, which should logically make it easier for me to dispel the 'need' for companionship. I realized recently that I was quite wrong. In addition to Maslow's hierarchy, I'd also been thinking about the 5 love languages. If you don't know what I'm talking about, please see here before you continue.

In theory, different people express and experience love using one or more of the 5 love languages. For me, I had the problem of never being quite able to figure out which of those 'languages' are mine. I used to think that one of my love languages was Physical Touch, coz' with my ex-es, I really adored the physical intimacy of it. But I was not quite sure about the rest.

It was only after getting to know this guy recently (yes, that one who blew my emotions out of the water) and letting that little hamster wheel in my brain go crazy analyzing the whys and whats of everything that happened, that I think I finally figured out what my love languages are. I have three, Physical Touch is one of them, but it's not the main one. My main one is Quality Time. I need someone to spend time with me and really get to know me. I don't need a bunch of people like that, but I need just one person who makes the effort to get to know me, and whom I can talk about anything with without inhibitions or worry of being ridiculed. Which is why I enjoy all the little chats we had, even though for the most we were supposed to be doing something else at the time. But instead of doing that something else, I was getting his attention, which was nice. Physical Touch, for me, ranks pretty much 2nd, together with another love language which is Words of Affirmation. Another thing I also really enjoyed about him, is that he encourages me to do things I dream about. I never thought encouraging words was something that I needed, but when he did it, I realized that having someone to support you in your crazy dreams is really... pretty awesome.

Quality time, encouragement (words of affirmation), and hugs or other physical acts of affection is something I never gotten from the people whom I think I should have gotten it the most from, which is my family, especially so my parents. They show me love in another way, which are NOT my love languages, which is Acts of Service, which is the typical love language of Asian parents. And perhaps because I haven't really been getting the first two, that's why it took me a long time to realize that these are some of the things I need the most.

I know that I can get by without these things, as I have been doing for a long time. So long that I didn't think I needed them. Or worst come to worst, instead of being in the ideal situation where I have one guy who can speak my love languages, I can always just get them fulfilled through different people. But you know, it's not the same, and it would be kinda weird socially ("Oh hey, by the way, meet my two boyfriends. Hehehehe"). So until I get that need fulfilled, I think I will always be just a little bit listless in life.

I also wonder about what could have possibly led that guy to ask me that question, about why I need a man in my life. And now I think in some way, his inability to understand that reason is because the level of needs he's at now is different from mine. I suspect that he's missing out on two tiers on Maslow's little pyramid, which is safety and esteem. Because, as I mentioned in a previous post, I know he has not achieved what he wants to achieve in life, whether that be financial goals or something else, and his time is running short. I suspect that he feels he needs to achieve those goals first before he even considers a relationship, because he's a guy who would want to be able to take care of his family. Again, this is a suspicion, but based on what I know of his character, I don't think I am far off the mark. And it also makes sense since he has mentioned that he does want a family.

I also suspect that the fact that I am more financially secure that he is is unsettling to him, and perhaps makes him feel inadequate to be with me because in his world of logic, I do not need him because right now I can provide for myself far better than he can provide for me. Which to be quite honest, is true. I don't need him to provide financially for me. I mean, it would be nice to have a guy with some spare cash to treat me with nice stuff... but the one love language that I don't particularly care for is gifts. I don't treasure gifts, and I'm not a material person. I have never had dreams of a fancy ring, or romantic dinner, or a fairy tale wedding. I would rather have a simple dinner with friends for my birthday than receives gifts that most of the time, I don't know what to do with. I'm a girl who thinks giving people roses on valentine's days is stupid coz' they're going to die and there's nothing romantic about having wilted roses in your house. I just want someone to be there for me and keep me company and understand me. Someone who will not shoot down my ideas, even if they are stupid, or shoot me down even if sometimes I behave a little stupid.

So what is frustrating me right now, is that I think he has a completely different interpretation of what I need, which he thinks he cannot provide. And what he doesn't know is that he is already providing for me in the areas that I actually really need. And I would like to be there for him and support him in whatever secret plan he's up to, just coz' I don't want him to think that he has to do it alone.

The thing is, it's all still just a suspicion. I don't know if telling him any of this will actually make a difference to him, or whether it would be enough for him to know I would like to be with him for reasons other than security. I don't think I'm ready to ask him and deal with possibly more vague answers than I can handle. For all I know, he's actually really just not interested in me, and I'm just hanging on to a possibility that is a waste of my time. Heck, maybe he's just being polite because secretly he's in love with another girl that I don't know about. Ugh. So for now, I will continue to deal with these niggling little thoughts in my brain and carry on.

I didn't manage to find my black shoes, by the way. I did buy two other pairs of shoes which I really liked, but still do not have what I need. Seems to be a recurring issue with me, not being able to get the things that I really need. Lol.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Thought balls and humming

I saw a link to this site from an FB friend to one of those silly little time wasters that I don't usually waste my time with, but in this case became a rather funny coincidence.

The first three words I saw were 'love', 'you' and 'hum', in that exact order. It was only later on that I looked again and realized 'hum' is the first part of 'humour', but for some reason, I only noticed the first three letters. And I burst out laughing coz' at how freakily accurate this actually is for me, considering recent events (not that I believe such time wasters are meant to be accurate, but in this case it was, especially after looking at all the other words there and realizing none of them would apply to me, except maybe 'freedom'). 'Love' is pretty straightforward, after all, everyone wants that, not only me. 'You' of course reminded me of the guy I fancy. And 'hum' is being the state I need to be in now, humming a happy tune and taking it easy after another round of emotional derailment.

I'm quite happy with myself right now, as I am pretty much back to my normal emotional state after just a few days. It's especially good as now is holiday season and I was thinking how sad it would be if I was going to spend my free days at home drowning in my sad miserable state. I suppose I can attribute my quick recovery to having gone through similar situations a bit too often for my liking. This time though, I think I have come out of in a different manner than before. Previously I would just go through the motions of being bummed and come out of thinking, well, next time hopefully will be better. This time, I'm so dead serious about making sure I don't ever go through this again that I have really retuned my way of thinking, such that any thought I have now that I know may lead to the possibility of excessive disappointment, sadness, anger or any other crappy emotion later on, I now reject that thought.

My first step was my mental Mortal Kombat style assassination of my ever hopeful alter ago (a slightly disturbing side effect of video games and action movies, me thinks). Even then, two or three days ago I still had occasional sad thoughts hit me like a sack of potatoes, which put me in a sorry state that would have been really embarassing had anyone else seen me. And I figured I not only do I need to kick out hope, I need to learn how to reject all those other negative feelings that may suddenly hit me like a sack of potatoes.

So I came up with a new mental image of my remaining alter ego, Jade, now alone in a little room which represents my brain. In this little room, she sits and waits. Wearing a Tai Chi master-ish type robe, because that looks cool (again, too many movies). Every now and then a ball will bounce into the room, and those balls represent thoughts. So if a thought ball comes in that I know is a negative thought, or a thought that may lead to some sort of hurt, Jade immediately pushes it out of the room with the finesse of a Tai Chi master. Not in a urgent manner like how one plays basketball, but just sitting there, and when the thought ball gets too close, she just gently pushes it out of the room.

As unbelievable funny as it may sound, that image actually hekps put me in a rather nice peaceful zen place. Managing my thoughts as become like a peaceful game of ping pong in slow motion. Like when I start analyzing why that guy said the things he did or wondering if I should have done something differently, etc, etc, I take that thought ball and push it out before it can develop into worst feelings. And I use this for any other situation, like even being on the road and pissed off with another driver, instead of allowing that feeling of pissed off-ness to manifest into me spewing out some colourful words, I imagine taking that big thought ball and pushing it out of my head. And soon, I'm not so angry anymore, lalalaa. I know I haven't really had much time to test out my 'system', but so far it's been working pretty ok. Hearing about friends starting relationships or getting married used to make me jealous. I felt bad about being jealous, I didn't want to be jealous, but I couldn't really help it. And now I just like perfectly fine with it, happy for you, hope it all goes great. I'm in a state where, if that guy I liked announced right now that he was actually interested in another girl and getting married, it wouldn't upset me at all.

The sad part of this is that such a thought management process also requires that certain happy thoughts be rejected as well, depending on whether it on hinges on a matter that I know has the potential to affect me negatively later on. Like if that guy was to buzz me and make conversation. Usually that makes me happy. Now I cannot allow it to make me happy. Coz' that happiness leads to the thought that he cares about me. And maybe that means I still have a chance. And that leads to hope. And as we all know, hope is BAD. So I push out that thought from the beginning. I still chat with the guy, but that's about it. It's a chat between friends, nothing more. I just take it as it is and mosey along.

Of course, I'm not sure exactly how long I can or will stay in such a zen mode. In a couple of months or years, I may end up being in the same sorry situation again. In which case, there's still always alcohol. Also very good at managing thought processes and achieving a zen state, although you're not quite as much in control...

Friday, August 17, 2012

Dealing with disappointment

So today is Day 2 of emotional derailment. Today actually wasn't all that bad. There were times when I got really sad, and I try to analyze all the stuff he told me and why he said this or that, then I get angry at myself for still thinking about something which I know I should let go of since I know it's already a lost cause. But for the most part, I'm more emotionally stable than I expected to be. By the weekend, I should be pretty much back to normal.

I was thinking, in addition to recent events, and in the context of many events in my life, I don't know how it is for most people, but I realized I get disappointed so often in so many different areas of my life, that I come to expect it.

I'm disappointed with guys who I get too close to, and when they learn I'm interested, they tell me that they just wanna be friends, but then promptly disappear out of my life.

I've been disappointed with my mum for years, as everytime I do something I think is good, like helping out at church or helping out people I think need it, she has constantly discouraged me. Plus she had never encouraged me in pretty much anything that I do. This is why I no longer tell her anything about my life, because I've come to expect nothing but negative comments from her. I get disappointed whenever we go out for family events, and she tends to start an argument with someone whether it be my dad, or another relative, or even me, about a ridulously small issue, and said event which is supposed to be something happy, ends up being miserable.

I'm disappointed in my church members. Not all of them, as I have several friends whom I know from church whom I am very close with. But the ones I'm close to are all those who have left the church to go overseas, go to other churches, or do not go regularly, etc. The ones who are still religiously go to my church every week, actually those are the ones I'm disappointed in, because I realized that the majority of them really don't give a damn about my life. I have not been in a cell group for more than a year now. In the time that I decided to disappear from cell til now, after more than 7 years of going to that church, not one of them has asked me why I no longer attend, not even my cell group leader. These same church goers religiously attending every week don't even bother about anything I say on Facebook, and I think almost half my friends listed there are from church. Well, I know Facebook isn't the best place to keep in actual contact with people and for the most part I don't really care if certain people on FB are completely quiet, as most of the people I know there hardly use the site. But I do consider it a pretty good way to keep updated on what other people are doing or thinking about. And everytime I post something, even something sad going on in my life, I get comments from other friends, EXCEPT those regulars at my church, even though I know for a fact that many of them are active on FB and obviously see what I post. I just find it extremely strange that the people who are supposed to care the most about what's happening in my life, don't actually seem to give a hoot. They post to each other though, just not me. Not big wonder that these days I no longer feel like going to that church. Or any church in particular, because...

I'm disappointed with God. For me, He's just not there. I pray and get nothing. I ask and get nothing, except maybe a parking lot, or finding something that I lost. The small stuff. But when it comes to what's really important to me, nothing ever happens. Sad to say, I've also stopped praying, and this was not an easy decision. I tried for years to keep at it and persevere in faith and all that bla, feeling guilty everytime I fail. But I just got tired of trying and getting nothing. Sometimes I complain aloud and ask God if He's there, but not unexpectedly, I don't get an answer. I still believe in God as a creator. But nowadays, I just have trouble believing in the concept that He actually cares. I prefer to think that He created everything than left us to our own devices. Coz' otherwise I keep wondering why God allows all this bad stuff to happen to me, and I get angry at Him. And no longer have the energy to be angry at Him, so I choose to pretend He does not exist. So all my anger can only be channeled at myself. And I can deal with myself, coz' if I think I'm being stupid or not doing something right, at least I can try to work to change myself.

Well, it's not all that bad. I appreciate that I still have some good friends, and my father is a pretty cool guy in most ways, and I get along with my brothers. I have a good job, with good colleagues and manager, for which I am thankful. So I can't say that everything in my life is sad. But I still wonder why I experience so much.... disappointment.

I guess one reason is probably having too much expectatations or desires which are not met, in which case I could go the way of Buddha and train myself to remove all desire and expectations in order to achieve lasting happiness. I'm actually reading up on Buddhist teachings for that reason...not interested in the idol worship stuff though. That's just nonsense.

Another reason could be that I'm just a screwed up person in general, which is why I have bad luck with guys, church members ignore me, and God ignores me coz' I choose to ignore him. Perhaps if I actually started caring more about people, then all this stuff wouldn't happen... but I don't think my indifferent character is much worse than the average person, and yet people with similar character live less disappointing lives.

I must apologize again for all the depressing verbal diarrhea I've been spewing out on this blog. But hey, people, be glad for it, coz' you know when you meet me in person, I can easily be my jolly self, since I already have an outlet and you don't need to hear this stuff from me and get uncomfortable.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Jade has won the war

It's interesting how things can turn upside down in just a couple of days. A couple of days ago, I had confessed my interest to a guy and though the outcome wasn't not quite what I had hope, I got the impression that he actually had interest in me but needed time to settle some things in his life. Although he didn't say he wanted me to wait for him, I was still somewhat happy. I was happy because I thought, you know, at least this guy out of all the other guys I've been interested in before, actually has interest in me too. So it's ok if he's not ready. Even if he didn't ask me to wait, I like him enough that I wouldn't mind waiting for as I can, to see how it goes, just as long as I know that I have a chance. It was just a little happy bubble I had keeping me afloat.

However, my conversation that day with him was rather vague. Vague enough that I wasn't actually sure if my impression of his interest in me was correct or not. So I decided I needed to make sure, and this time I was perfectly direct about what I wanted to know. A few months back, he was the one who initiated conversation with me and from there we got to know each other better to the point where I developed interest in him. So today I ask him straight out whether his intention was because he wanted me as a friend or was he hoping for it to be more than that.

The simple reply was that his initiation of conversation was purely a friendly gesture, and that he's sorry that I misunderstood that to be something more.

And in one feel swoop my happy little bubble has been burst. This guy, whom I thought I had a chance with is just another guy in my long list that has no interest whatsoever. I. Was. Wrong. AGAIN.

Well, I've gone through this before. Shouldn't be a big deal, right? Just suck it up, accept that shit happens and move along and try to find someone else, right?


Today, I believe, is the breaking point of my proverbial stick, in which tension has gradually accumulating over many years. The feeling I had today, is the same feeling that drives people to drink themselves silly until they no longer remember anything. The feeling that made me slap myself, or pinch myself, or poke myself with something really hard, because that physical pain was the only way to distract me from wanting to cry. If I were someone more emotionally unstable, there are far worst things I could be doing to myself, but thankfully those are ideas I can keep well under control. For the most part.

I posted before about how I like to imagine myself as two different characters, whom I named Jade and Hope. As the name implies, Hope is the little voice that tells me that I can't give up. The little voice that says, there's still hope for me. I'm not a worthless scum of a human being that doesn't deserve to be loved. God isn't deriving some sort of sick fun out of watching my heart get shredded time and time again. Although it might really easy for Him to send some great guy into my life right now, He's keeping you waiting so you can develop some characterrrrr. Coz' character is important.... So everything I go through this situation with a guy, I've always come out of it, with still some hope that maybe next time it'll be different. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Each time I go through it again, I still have that hope.

Jade, on the other hand, is the little voice that just tells me life will be so much easier if I just gave up this desire for human companionship. That little voice that says, well, half of marriages end in divorce, and most of the other half end up like your parents (i.e. they barely tolerate each other). Why, Carol, why do you wanna go through all that? Just enjoooooy your single life and stop dreaming about a relationship that's going to bring you more headache. After all... you may be lonely when you're single.... BUT at least you're a gazillion times more emotionally stable than you would be in a relationship. I know people with this kind of mindset. They're not completely happy, but they're enjoying their life.

I think I might have been able to deal with this the same way again if this was just another guy whom I didn't really know... whom I thought was just kinda cute but I didn't really know him that well. But this time, it's different coz' I've become close to this guy, and I've told him a lot of stuff that I normally tell people. I've seen his character, and he's someone that I really trust.

And so that makes the rejection a bit too much to handle.

So here's the grand plan. I'm just gonna allow myself to completely emotionally derail for the next couple of days, and feel through the sadness until there's nothing left to feel. After that I am just gonna enjoy my single life doing whatever I want, coz' I don't need a guy. I don't want a relationship. I don't wanna hope for a relationship. Coz' I don't need to go through this crap again. I'm gonna use my money, and get my own place, live my own life and do whatever the heck I want to coz' I don't need to be accountable to a boyfriend or a husband, which is GREAT. And the best thing is you won't have to hear about me whine about a guy ever again on this blog.

In my own little twisted mind, I also like to imagine that Jade has Hope's head skewered on the end on the end of a sword, Mortal Kombat style. Just to make the little bitch doesn't come back to haunt me again. >:)

By the way, if you're concerned about how I'm doing, you don't need to ask, because I'll just say that I'm doing perfectly fine. It will be the truth soon enough.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The cat is out of the bag

Today, I told the guy that I like how I felt about him. Kinda did it a long-winded, beating around the bush  (and kind of hilarious, now that I think about it) manner under the context of getting his opinions on what kinda signals a girl can send to tell a guy that she's interested in him. I was hoping that he would get my hints and make the first move of telling me how he felt about me, since I try to make it a point to not make the first move when it comes to guys (I try, but I still fail). As it turns out, his definition of the 'first move' was completely different from mine and the fact that he initiated conversation and took the effort to get to me better few months back was already considered the 'first move' to him, which to him meant it was my turn to reciprocate, and to him that meant having to tell him exactly how I felt. That statement in itself told me what I wanted to know, which is that he is interested, so I thought, to heck with my rule, and I told him.

Unfortunately, the outcome was not quite what I hoped for. Turns out he's not ready for a relationship yet because he's in the process of making some life changing decisions and not ready to get involved with a girl yet. As you might imagine, my earlier happy little bubble was very quickly burst. My initial thought was "Why the heck did you tell me that earlier and get my hopes up only to shoot me down right after? Aaaarrrggghhh!!!"

Fortunately, I didn't say what I was thinking, and that initial feeling of frustration quickly turned into relief and... even a little but of happiness. Happy because I know how he feels too, and I wasn't being an idiot when I thought he's interested in me. And relief because that feeling of liking a guy and not knowing how he feels is to me and not getting the 'signals' from him that I'm hoping for... that feeling drives me a bit crazy, which also makes me annoyed with myself for allowing myself to get into that situation and get driven crazy. So the combination of going crazy by wondering how he feels and being annoyed with myself, makes me even more crazy. Which is why I very usually fail at keeping to my resolution to not tell the guy how I feel about him first. Coz' even if it turns out he's not interested, I would rather know it sooner, get bummed earlier then quickly move on rather than continue to prolong my self-antagonization. So now that I had it out, I'm no longer plagued by that feeling.

And after thinking about it for a while, actually I think it's for the best that he puts the relationship on hold. I've been chatting with him long enough to know he wants to commit and have a family, but right now he can't, for reasons he won't tell me, but I can kinda guess what they are. I'm guessing that he plans to work towards making a better life for himself, which in turns means he can better provide for a family....not that I know for sure, but it's my best guess. The fact that he has goals is, to me, better than a guy who no direction in life. And for him to decide to hold out on a relationship with a girl he likes so he can achieve his goals, whatever they may be, is an admirable quality in itself. Better than ending up with a guy who follows his heart but ends up being a 'scrub'.

A guy with a character like this is a keeper. And since he said he needed time to figure out his life before getting into a relationship, I told him that I don't mind waiting for him to figure it out, as long as I know I have a chance with him. And in another quite admirable response, he said he wouldn't feel right to ask me to wait since he doesn't know how long he'll take to work it out. In other words, I'm free to scout around for other guys. Which is a good thing for me, and it also kinda shows that he's thinking of me before himself. But like I said, a guy like is a keeper. And I would rather wait for him than 'scout around' and go through that whole stupid cycle of liking a new guy and most likely getting disappointed again. At least with him, now I know where I stand. And well, even though he won't tell me what his goals are, I would still like to be there to support and encourage him.

The best thing for me, is that he still wants to be close friends even after my confession of my feelings, which could have been potentially embarassing and even worse, result in the guy withdrawing and eventually no longer talking to me again (something I am quite afraid of, as it has happened to me more than once). Having someone I can trust to talk to about anything has been awesome, and I'm glad that after what I told him, we can still maintain that level of friendship.

So yeah, the response didn't turn out quite like I hope, but I'm still kinda happy. :)

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

The disturbing trend of poor money management

I've been surprised several times over the past couple of years when talking to some of my friends and learning about their financial predicaments. Said friends are those of my age, some even older, around 28 to 34 years old, and it just amazes me whenever they tell that they have no money. I mean, at this age, where most people are getting married and starting a family, these friends of mine who are unmarried and some of whom are still living with their parents, have absolutely zero savings and are living from hand to mouth every single month. I know at least 5 friends in such a predicament, and these are the people who are close enough to me that they would tell me about their financial situation. And since I am not really that close to a lot of people, the fact that 5 of my small handful of pretty close friends is in some sort of financial predicament makes me wonder just how many people my age are having financial issues as well. According to a recent survey, Malaysia ranks as the worst credit card repayers in the Asia-Pacific region, which gives me a further idea of how bad people are in this country.

People usually complain about how cost of living in Malaysia is becoming ridiculously high but salaries have not increased for the past couple of decades. To some extent, this is definitely part of the problem (which would hopefully be gradually resolved if the current government was replaced by one that was less corrupt and didn't constantly siphon off the people's money on useless mega-projects or buying handbags for a certain suspected murderer's wife. So for those who can vote, you know who NOT to vote for). The average degree holder usually starts off with a salary of about RM2000 a month. Assuming a person lives a moderate lifestyle, rents a room in KL and drives an average car, rent and monthly car repayment is at least about RM1200 a month, food at least RM400 a month, petrol RM200, groceries another RM200.... that already all your salary gone, with none left to spend on leisure. For people who can't get jobs with a better salary than this, I can kinda understand why lack of money is a problem. Although I find it strange that a salary can remain at that level of a miserable RM2000 a month after more than 5 years of working.

HOWEVER, most of my friends are staying with their parents and driving cars given by their parents (usually really old cars). So they are already saving on rent and car repayment, and if the parents cook and buy some of the groceries, this helps as well. I should know, because I'm one of them and I saved a lot over the years. But yet such friends STILL don't have any money. I'm not sure why, but I believe for some of them, it's also largely a matter of not spending money wisely, living beyond their means. And here's why I say this.

Case #1:
The most 'shocking' story I recently heard from a friend was when he said he spent RM400 to buy some movie-related paraphernalia which is a big interest to this friend of mine, and apparently this resulted in him having a grand total of RM10 left for food for the rest of the month (which was about a week). So I asked him what he was going to do for food, and he said go hungry until dinner time, at which time he can get dinner at home. I asked him why he spend all his money on something that isn't useful, when he know he doesn't have enough money to eat, and he simply said those items were on discount at the time. I asked him how he was going to pay for his car petrol, and he said by credit card. I was just blinking at him and kinda speechless at that point.

Case #2:
This was not really friend but an ex-colleague is no longer working at my office. Said guy is driving a Lancer. You would think anyone who bough a Lancer would make sure he would have enough money to pay off the Lancer. But one find day, he asks me through the office email if I can lend him about two grand. The story was that he was behind on his car loan for two months and the bank was threatening to take back his car the following week if he did not pay. And he recently withdrew some money to pay for his car loan, but while walking his dog near the area of the ATM, he got jumped and the money was stolen.
The first question is, why was he so brilliant to withdraw a large sum of money and then go walk your dog nearby? For me, I try to time my ATM withdrawals at such a time when I'm about to go home, so I can leave some of the cash at home to be used to top up my wallet I need to, and every day I try not to carry anything more than RM300 in my wallet, unless I know I have to pay for something more expensive. It's safer than withdrawing than walking around a whole day which means you are at risk of losing that large sum by someone stealing it or maybe you misplaced your wallet, etc.
The second question is, why buy such a expensive car when you obviously cannot afford it? Sure people may think you look cool in it, but trust me, all that coolness really evaporates into thin air when you have to ask people for 2000 bucks to help prevent your car from being empounded. Especially from a person like me who drives a freaking Myvi! Just so you know, I didn't lend him the money, but some people in my office did. And the repayment was late.

For some people, it's not so much living beyond their means, but more towards making bad career choices. A couple of people I know took a risk and quit regular day jobs to do sales job which allows them more freedom and flexible working hours, which is what they want, but they pay is based on commissions. I'm not against taking risks and quitting your job to live out your dream. However, some risks don't pay off and in such cases, you need to realize quickly when your risk is not working out and go back to working a 9 to 5 job, which may means no flexibility, but you are more financially secure and you get company benefits like healthcare, travel costs are paid for, etc (unless you work for a really shitty company).  For both friends, the risk did NOT pay off, they ended up struggling every month. Both of them asked to borrow money from me to the tune of about RM1000-1500. Fortunately, one did pay me in full in due time and was smart enough to go back to working full time although he's not happy with it.
However, the other friend is still sticking to his 'dream job' and promised to pay me back within a couple of weeks because he was waiting for a paycheck. That paycheck apparently never came, because it's been probably 2 months now and I still have not gotten back that money. My advice to him to get a secure job has fallen on deaf ears.

I do believe in the adage that if I ever lend money, it should be an amount that I don't need urgently to survive, and in this case, I can do without it. However, the fact that I have to ask my friend for payback and he's constantly having excuses on why he can't pay back (some of which I can verify to be true, which makes it even sadder, maybe) does result in a strain in the friendship.

And to be perfectly honest, I don't see the difference in having flexible hours compared to a normal day job. In such flexi-jobs, the amount you earn is based on how much work you put into it. If you're doing sales, you need to go out and make sales. And so you probably spend about the same time on such a job as you would need on a normal 9 to 5 job, in order to get the same amount of money, unless you do some sort of multi-level marketing thing, most of which are just scams to help the founders make big bucks (plus, those guys can be like a cult, almost worshipping whatever product they are selling and it's SCARY. I've been some of these talks, I felt like I was in an overly enthusiastic church, and the god was the product). So you end up working an equivalent amount of hours, BUT because sometimes you don't work the same hours as normal people, you end not being able to hang out with people because you have to work weekends or night time to meet clients. And the annoying side effect of this is trying to work out times to meet up. Like one friend of mine working of these 'flexi-jobs' asked me and a few other friends out on a working night to go hangout at a place where it's cheaper after 11pm onwards. The thing is, I and these other friends all work normal jobs, and therefore it does not make sense to ask friends who work normal hours to go out past 11pm on a working night to hang out with you, and also to save on a few bucks, which the rest of us don't mind paying for to go during more normal hours.

A friend of mine who is a financial advisor once said that it Financial Management should be made a subject in school, and seeing the way things are, I think things is really true. I cannot understand how people at my age and with similar level of education can go through each month with NO money. It's really really scary. If you're a friend of mine reading this and this applies to you, well, I'm sorry if I sound judgmental, and maybe you're in a situation for reasons not due to overspending but you really can't get a better paying job, in which case it's understandable. But seriously, if you can, at least make a habit to put aside a couple of hundred bucks a month or something. Start a different bank account just for savings and don't touch the money that goes in there. Better than nothing!

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

Two options

So my last post (which was also about a rare emo status update on FB) is one of those few ones where I look back in hindsight and be a bit annoyed at myself for letting that one slip. It doesn't take a genius to know that the reason behind that was because of a guy, and that would also be the same guy I was talking about a couple of posts back about butterflies and stuff. (Which also makes me think how boring my life must be that I only seem to be posting about this).

So today I'm writing in a state of mind that is not fogged up by either the happy high of lurve, or the emo feeling of shit. I'm writing this in almost like a third person perspective looking at myself, and being amused at how after all these years, a 'crush' has the same effect on my emotions as it does when I was a teenager. And the thought processes are also the same as it would of a typical female teen. Happy when he's paying attention to me, but as soon as I get the feeling that he's lost interest, that happy high turns into a sucky low, resulting in the posting of vague Facebook post with hidden meanings. And as a typical female, I also overanalyze the situation. For example, when he's been chatting me regularly over the past few days, then for a couple of days he doesn't say anything. Then I start wondering if there's something I said in our last conversation that turned him off or made him lose interest. And I don't wanna start the chat coz' the past couple of chats I'm the one who starts the conversation first, and I don't wanna seem desperate. But he's STILL not buzzing me, even though HE's was the one who kinda started it overall. So I'm waiting in agony wondering what's going on while another part of me is screaming at agonized me and telling me to stop being an idiot, and if I wanna talk to the guy, JUST DO IT. But then I don't wanna do it coz' I still wanna seem desperate. Yadda yadda yadda blablabla.

And this is why crushes annoy me. I'm much more emotionally stable when I'm not having a crush. Seriously. And I'm still trying to discover if there's some sort of switch I can internally press to deactivate this emotional roller coaster I go through. So far I figure, there's only two ways to resolve this, which is either get a guy and be happy ever after (with of course all the minor shat in between that is normal of relationships) OR get a guy, have a whirlwind romance that ends in a trainwreck relationship which will effectively put me off from wanting to be in a relationship ever again. Obviously option 1 is preferable, but you know, option 2 is really not that bad once you think about it. I mean, I do enjoy the freedom of being single as well, and most times, this nagging desire for lifelong human companionship just seems more like a drag than anything. And yeah, such desire is only normal human behaviour, but at this point in my life of too many misses, I almost relish the idea being as emotionless as a Vulcan.

In the meantime, my current target and are still regularly chatting which makes me happy coz' it means I didn't say anything stupid to put him off after all. Yay!

Here I go again...

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Blog makeover no. something or another

Yeah, decided to makeover the blog again (think this is at least the 4th revamp it's gone through?). The old template was weird, with all the words being on one half of the page and right half being pretty much almost empty. I realized it was dumb a long time ago, but only got round to fixing it today and replaced it with a photo of a little fishy friend I took on one of my diving trips. Hope you likey. If not, you're just gonna have to deal with it. :)

Wednesday, July 25, 2012


Was just in a pensive mood today and allowed this slightly depressing thought to escape on my Facebook wall.

Irony is perhaps also the fact that such thoughts can come from a person with positive self esteem.

On the other hand, I could be mistaking irony for plain stupidity.

Ugh. So anyway, here's a song to fit my mood.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Crush and butterflies


There are several main meanings to this word:
1. A usually temporary infatuation. b. One who is the object of such an infatuation.

2. To overwhelm or oppress severely: spirits that had been crushed by rejection and failure.

3. To press between opposing bodies so as to break or injure or to break, pound, or grind (stone or ore, for example) into small fragments or powder.

I have a suspicion that the different meanings of these words are actually linked to the same word for a reason. I have, after all, had my fair shares of crushes on guys, only to be crushed upon realizing that the feeling is not reciprocated, and in some people, this makes them feel like crushing something, which may lead to various forms of violence. Thankfully, I'm not one of the violent ones, but just saying, you know, it can happen. :-P At almost 30 years old, at the age where most of my friends are in serious relationships, married or having kids, having schoolgirl infatuations is funny, if not annoying. Although, there is still admittedly still some fun in getting those little butterflies in my stomach when I get 'hints' of interest from a guy I fancy.

Far as I remember, all the guys I've ever fancied have been guys I were interested in almost from the time I meet them. It's only later on when that crush progresses into nothing more that they become just than friends to me, and there are a number of guys I still am in contact with now whom I can't imagine falling for again, although years ago I was totally bonkers about them.

Now I'm in an interesting situation where there's a guy I've known for a quite some time now whom I was never interested in... But now I realized I actually really like this guy. It's interesting coz' it's weird to me to have someone as a friend for a long time, and then start to see him in that kind of 'different' light. And it's cool coz' rather than admiring a guy from tbe beginning and eventually 'lose steam' once I know him longer (which usually means I learned stuff about that guy which made him less interesting to me), here's a guy I didn't really think much of from the beginning, but only after knowing him better do I realize he is a guy I can actually look up to. And for me, I need to really respect a guy for me to interested in him. Overly nice guys who are pushovers and don't know how to take the lead just don't cut it for me. I have a high chance into turning into the overbearing and naggy gf with such guys, which is not something I want at all.

I don't keep my hopes up in the event that this 'crush' end up with me having a stomachful of dead butterflies as has happened way too many times before. But in the meantime, I'll just enjoy the butterflies.

Saturday, April 14, 2012


Today I told my mother that I'm afraid of getting married because I'm afraid if becoming like my parents who are constantly at loggerheads at each other. My mum actually said she's perfectly happy if I never get married for the same reason. I think that ranks pretty high one of the most emotionally deflating things a mother could ever say. The second being that whenever they argue, I have no right to my opinion on the matter, I'm just supposed to sit back and shut up while they fight about silly things. If I do say anything may be supportive of one parent or the other, apparently it's being disrespectful.

I should seriously consider moving out of this house one day.

Sunday, April 01, 2012

Work overloaded

Times are gettin a bit crazy for me at work. This week I was in Indonesia, then immediately going to Vietnam the following week, and for most of the week of April I am booked to go somewhere overseas. Not to mention I am pretty drowning in reports to finish and the only way anything can be done is if I work into the night. I suppose I can really complain, plenty of people I know have worked under similar situations before and I guess now my time has come to be one of the regular midnight oil burners. Just wondering how long exactly I can work like this before I reach my limit. I continue to be amazed at colleagues of mine who have just as much work or more so and yet have families to take care of too. I'm supposed to be considered 'lucky' because I'm still single. However, the way I'm going now, I would not be surprised if I spend so much time working/travelling for work that before I know it I'm a sad old spinster with money yet regretting not having enjoyed a proper social life. Sorry, just felt like spouting a bit of blahness.

I'm operating on 4 hours of sleep at continuing to work now at 10.30pm Indonesian time (that's 11.30pm Malaysian time), even though tomorrow morning I gotta get up early to take the great 6 hour drive back to Padang airport. From there will fly to Jakarta, and from Jakarta to KL, and by the time I arrive in KL tomorrow, it'll be past 9.30am and I have a 6.30am flight Monday morning to Vietnam. At least my company was good enough to book me a hotel near the airport so I don't have to go all the way home and back out again. And I'm glad I make it a habit to pack extra clothes and stuff, just in case (also helpful that the client in Indonesia has a domestic help to wash my laundry for me).

Okie, back to work.

Monday, February 20, 2012

The friend that was 'unfriended'

Fascinating how 'Unfriended' is actually a real word now, thanks to Facebook. I know it drives you grammer Nazis crazy, but you're just going to have to deal with it.

It's not often that anything really interesting ever happens in my life, which is why unfortunatelly I don't have much to blog about (I do intend to get a phone with mobile internet soon, so hopefully my rather dying blogs will be revived soon since I will be able to update them anytime and anywhere). But recently I have had to undergo quite a bit of drama in my life which was completely unnecessary, all of which was the result of a male friend of mine whom I knew since secondary high school through to university. And while usually I wouldn't blog about personal issues I have with people, this episode was so hilarious, I just couldn't resist, and since I have 'unfriended' this person, it doesn't really matter to me anymore what he thinks about me or this post.

Said friend of mine is gay, currently having a gay partner, very effeminate and is 10 times more gossipy than the gossipiest female I have ever known. I have never had any issues with his sexuality and I am able to tolerate effeminate behaviour from men even though I do find it somewhat annoying, not just from him but from any effeminate member of the male species (I'm sorry, it's just the way I am), and for some reason I managed to tolerate his love to gossip, which I also found somewhat annoying. I did not keep in touch with him often since high school, but in the past couple of years, he was inviting me out to meet up with our mutual friends every now and then. It's during these events and also through our online conversations on Facebook that we occasionally 'misunderstood each other'. Actually, it was more like he seemed to enjoy misinterpreting everything I said and turning things around to mean something else. For example, during one of our meet-ups, he asked me and another friend a question about what we thought are the benefits of dating older men. And I said, for one, older guys are more mature, and number two, older guys usually are more financially secure, which are both perfectly reasonable answers to that question. Then for God knows what reason, my friend gets all uptight on how I could be so superficial to say that money is one of the primary things I look for in a relationship....which of course, isn't what I meant at all. He asked a question about benefits of dating older men, and I just said financial security is what of them, which is far from saying that I would date a guy primarily for money. But anyhow, that whole whacked up idea of his ended up on his FB page and I wasted a good portion of my life explaining myself to him on that FB thread. That is just ONE example of the many ways he love to misinterpret things I say. And yet, I was still able to be friends with him because I give people the benefit of the doubt and assumed that he just has a really.... unusual way of seeing things. Either that or he's just socially inept. So bygones.

However, it was accumulation of events like these that led to a recent dramatic episode that was SO frustrating and yet eventually hilariously amusing to me, and although I am so tempted to go the completely juvenile way of blogging about every single annoying/hilarious detail of the events that transpired and poking fun at my so-called friend along the way (I even considered posting details of our smses, but that would require me to fix up his terrible spelling and grammatical errors in his smses coz' it seems he does not know how to use auto-type/spell check), I decided that that's not the proper thing for an adult to do. Instead, I will go the somewhat juvenile way of just summarizing what happened and try my very best to keep the snide comments about this person to a minimum. It will be difficult, trust me.

My friend, whom I shall term PsychoKid (since that's part of his email address, and I think it's most appropriate now) or PK for short, recently arranged another meet up with one of our old lecturers for our uni days with some other friends, one of which is a girl friend of ours, Eileen. I couldn't make it for the event, but she went with a couple of other friends. After the thing ended, on the same night, I received an sms from PK, saying some along the lines of how he has 'social issues' with me and hopes we can revert to the way we were before, but he claimed that our friend Eileen also raised some issues about me, saying that I had become difficult to talk to, and she 'speculated' that I'm arrogant because of my salary (which really, isn't something to brag about) and desperate for a man because of something I posted on my blog or FB (which I really had no idea what post he was talking about), and in several other smses continued to tell me other negative things that Eileen had purportedly said about me, saying that this goes to show that he is not the only person who has issues with me and I should get a raincheck on my own behaviour.

Naturally, I was highly annoyed and had difficulty believing what he told me about what our friend said about me, because I know this girl, and she is one of the nicest, sweetest and friendliest people I know and we get along just fine. And I told him point blank that I highly doubted that he understood correctly what Eileen said about me, and I also told him to stop telling me stuff she 'supposedly' said. Coz' it was getting really annoying, and I would talk to her myself to hear it from her. That same night, while chatting online with another girl friend, I found out that she also knew PK before in school (small world!), and she told me that he had tried to create strife between her and another friend before. Which made me realize that he was probably doing the exact same thing...but just to be sure, I wanted to check with Eileen.

The next day, I try to call my friend. She does not pick up the phone at first, which confuses me, but soon I get an sms from her apologizing for what PK said to me and saying that she had reached her limit with him. After more smses, I realized that she was scared to answer my call because PK had smsed her to WARN her that I would be angry with her because of what he told me. And this was why she was angry with him. After reassuring her that I was not mad with her in any way because I didn't believe PK at all, she called me and we had a WONDERFUL sessions of lambasting our 'friend'. When I told her all the negative things he claimed that she had said about me, she was in disbelief, and confirmed that although she had made some related comments, he had taken everything out of context to make it sound negative.

As a result, both of us decided we had had enough of PK, and we have both cut off contact with him by 'unfriending' him (there's that awful grammatically incorrect word again!) from Facebook, removing him from our chat messengers, and she even deleted his handphone number... but I kept it just coz' I want to know when it's him trying to contact me. But while she decided to just be quiet about it and not let him know, I just send him one last message (well, almost last) saying that I had no doubt that he was trying to create problems between me and Eileen, and as such I no longer consider him a friend, so that would be the last time I would contact him. I also said that the way he was now, he would lose all his friends soon unless he worked through his insecurities or whatever the reason it is that he likes creating unnecessary problems. I think it was very amicable message, considering the circumstances.

I was hoping that once he realized both I and Eileen had decided to cut off our friendship with him, that he would realize the error of his ways and at least apologize to us. I mean, he IS a long-time friend or mine, and I would have been glad to forgive and forget if he had realized that using the name of another friend to justify his warped negative ideas about me was wrong. It also would have been a nice way to end this blog post.

Well, that didn't happen.

Next day, (this is after learning that we had both 'unfriended' him. He was no doubt pulling his hair out coz' I know he hates it when he's 'unfriended' on FB, which I find totally amusing) he smses me saying that it doesn't matter if Eileen and I are not his friends because he has MANY more friends than me, and some other stuff about how all these problems would not have happened if he never invited me for his (silly) social events (he takes pride in organizing these things, I guess coz' it he likes feeling like a socialite).

And at this point, I apologize that I am about to go really the way of the juvenile, coz' my reply to him to him was so snide that I feel like a character out of the movie 'Mean Girls'. But seriously, I couldn't help myself, it was too much fun. This was my reply and hopefully my last sms to him:

"Sorry to contradict my last sms where I said that's the last time you'll hear from me but just needed to say go see how many Facebook friends I have compared to you before you spout more baseless nonsense like every other story you love to invent in your brain. And before you get some idea that I simply add any Abu, Ahmad or Ah Cheng on FB, all 523 of my friends (3.3x more than your 158 friends) are only people I know personally, I don't add or approve friend request from anyone I have never met. So it would be funny to hear what makes you think you have more friends than me, except that I don't really care to hear more nonsense from you, so please do save your sms money". 

Now I know that number of FB friends really is a terrible way of justifying how many friends I have than anyone, but you know, I just really wanted to annoy him. And boy, it's really rare that I am that mean to anyone, but when it's to someone who deserves it, it sure is fun.

Still, I do hope that the last time I ever have to 'unfriend' someone for silly reasons like this. :S