Monday, November 26, 2012

Life with the furkid & ending the cycle

Rather quickly, it's been almost two months since I moved into my rented place and since then have been living alone with Friendster, the happy dog from my office. I don't have a housemate yet, and I'm not sure now if I want to get one coz' I quite enjoy living alone and doing things the way I like without anyone else bugging me about it. Right now, I don't know any friends interested to move in, and I'm not really comfy with the idea of living with a stranger coz' who knows what kind of annoying behaviours will crop up. So for the moment, it's just me as my doggie.

Far as I'm concerned, I have the best dog in the whole world and I treat him like a kid. He has the most innocent face a dog could have. I don't just let him into my house, but also into my bedroom. Technically, he's not allowed on my bed or couch, but he usually tries to get my attention when I'm lying down, so he likes to come over when I'm sleeping or resting, and step up on the bed or couch. Initially, he was wary of the bed, but now he keeps trying to come up and I keep trying to push him off, although rather half heartedly considering all he really wants is my affection. He likes putting his head underneath my arms so I can pamper him with hugs and scratching him on the ears or neck to make him happy while I'm in my groggy, sleepy stupor. If I had just bathed him the night before, then I sometimes allow him to lie next to me on my bed. So he is probably one of the most pampered mongrels in the world. It's kind of a good way to wake up in the morning, when my alarm goes off but I'm having trouble peeling myself off the bed and this wet nose starts poking at me, bugging me to wake up. Only problem is the amount of fur he leaves all over the place is rather insane, and I have to vacuum the house almost every day because of it. Small price to pay to enjoy his antics, I guess.

One time I got a stain on my living room curtains, so I was using a cloth to wipe it off. This fella sees me cleaning the curtains, and I think he wanted to help coz' he came over and started brushing his body against the curtains too. That was pretty cute, and so childlike, it was really funny. He also hardly ever barks, not even at people walking past the house. But that doesn't mean he can't, and fortunately he barks when he hears suspicious noises. Which is good, coz' if he senses danger around the house, he would start barking and alert me, which of course is very useful as a single lady staying alone.

I did not have toilet train him at all, since he only pees and poos on the grass. I only need to take him out in the morning and evening and he won't do his business at all in the house, even when I'm out the whole day at work and he's at the porch, which is completely paved, so no grass for him to pee on. I don't know if that's really healthy for him, so I'm now trying to look for a patch of astroturf to attract him to use it in case of emergencies, but I'm not really sure where to get one and my efforts to locate one have come to naught. I haven't done any gardening in my life, so obviously I wouldn't really know where such shops are. Oh well, will find some eventually.

He's also good in that most of the time when I come home from work and open the gate to drive my car in, he doesn't try to run away. He walks around, waits for my car to go in, at the most runs outside to take a pee on the grass, then comes back in. He only does this when I'm coming home though, and only if I've been gone the whole day, I guess because he misses me after not seeing me a whole day, and wants my attention. Unfortunately, sometimes when I'm leaving the house to go somewhere or when I come back after being out for a short while, he still runs out every now and then and it's impossible to catch him. The only way to get him back in the house is to wait for him to come back on his own, which he does eventually once he's done running around a bit. Once he did that and I was late for a meeting with a friend, plus it was raining, so I got really mad at him and once he came back, I smacked him on the butt pretty hard and he got scared of me and tried to hide. It was the only time I got angry enough at him to hit him hard, but I think he learned from it, and that's why now he does not run out when I come home anymore. But I don't take any chance when I'm going out, so I just tie him out while I'm going out and let him loose once my car is out of the gate. I did feel kinda bad whacking him too. You know like how parents always say whacking the kid hurts them more than the kid. Kinda felt like that. The wonderful thing is that he was still all loving with me after that. That's why I love dogs, they aren't the type to hold grudges.

So well, this is my life right now and I'm not quite sure what the plan is from here on. Not exactly the life I thought I'd have at almost 30 years old, but I suppose it could be worst. I can afford to support myself, enjoy the freedom of a single life, and I enjoy the affection of my dog whom I love like I would my own kid. I spent most of my life like most people, hoping to find the right partner and have someone to enjoy my time with until our old age, but well, I've learned that our dreams sometimes don't turn out the way we expected it to, and for too many couples, romance turns sour after a while. I cannot guarantee that my relationship with a guy would not turn out the same way either. At least with my dog, I'm pretty sure he won't start ignoring or losing interest in me after a while, coz' dogs are generally loyal creatures, whereas people will usually lose interest or change their behaviour after a while. I should know, I don't easily become interested in guys anymore because my criteria for a life partner are include that they must be intelligent and interesting to talk to, and in the past few years, I have only met two guys who met that criteria and actually seemed to enjoy my regular company. At first. I then made the mistake of making my interest in them known, and subsequently both of them no longer chat or want to spend time with me like they did before. So yeah, it gets a bit lonely sometimes, not having anyone to chat with anymore. But I can understand their reasons for rejecting me and wanting to withdraw. Both were badly hurt in previous relationships, one never wants to be a committed relationship again because he just cannot go through that again, and the other one gives a lot of other reasons why he's not interested, but I guess from our previous talks that part of his actual reasons are the same as the first guy. So to stop me from being interested in them, they withdraw. It sucks, but well, I suppose it's for the best. I have been doing a pretty good job of maintaining my mental zen room, so most of the time, I don't feel the suckiness.

The side effect is that I now deal with new guys who are interested in me in the same way as these guys have treated me. Carrying on the cycle of disappointment, of sorts. Yes, there have been some guys who show signs of interest. If you're wondering where I meet these guys, well, the internet is a big wonderful place, where if you're smart enough, you know how to avoid the psychopaths and cheats, and meet a lot of good people. And I have made quite a few good friends with I met online before, whom I have maintained friends with for quite a while. But for some of these guys, as in the ones showing signs of interest, after meeting these guys once or twice, I decided they were not worth my time. The reason for rejection might seem a bit strange, but I am not interested because they acted too friendly, too nice, and eager for my attention. It's strange because most people would probably like that, but I don't. Because to me, it's fake. They hardly know me, and I hardly know them, and when they behave this way so soon, I cannot help but think that's just an initial show to get my attention. And once I start biting the bait, they will become like most others guys. Lose interest and withdraw. Which sucks. So I don't bite the bait. I don't even go anywhere near the bait. They try to chat with me and I just completely ignore them.

I didn't use to be this way with guys, and I know it's probably not good to break their spirits by being a jerk and not responding to them. But frankly at this point, I just think it's better them than me. And for that reason, I try not to meet people online anymore. I don't see much of a point if I'm going to behave this way, and I don't want to continue meeting guys and disappointing them. If I were really so jaded with life and the male species in general, I could very easily continue leading guys on and breaking them, just to derive some fun out of doing so, but I haven't become quite so evil yet. So I'd rather stop trying to meet people then let this cycle continue. Which means it'll be a while before I have anymore fascinating chat conversations about anything and everything with somebody, but hey, at least I have my loving doggie.

Well, a bit on the faintly bright side, recently I met a guy, not online, but through other means, i.e. he wanted to adopt my turtle for breeding, and I gave it to him. Turns out we have a lot in common... both from Monash, both have a brother in the US, both like animals and nature, both living on our own in a house, and he's a Christian. So we're been chatting on Whatsapp a bit every now and then, not very regularly. I certainly don't know him enough to be interested, and he's not talking to me enough for me to think he's interested either. But well, it's nice to have a new friend to talk to. I'm not hoping for anything further than that though. I'm happy to just have someone to chat with every now and then, and break the monotony of a boring day at work or a quiet weekend of doing nothing much. I expect that sooner or later, he'll disappear completely as well, and it wouldn't make a difference to my life.

I know all this might sound a little depressing, but well, the fact of the matter is, life does not always turn out the way we hope, and for those who are not so blessed with the desires of our heart, the important thing is being able to accept it, learn from it, carry on, live positively with other goals in life, and enjoy what the love we get from family and friends, and even a happy little mongrel from the street. :)