Sel & Gav are back!

I have not since like forever again. I should make it a new year's resolution to blog more. :P

Selina and Gavin, my good buddies who left our Malaysian soil to migrate to Aussieland, are back this week. And I'm glad they are! Yesterday went out for dinner with them, Sonia and Fan Yin, a.k.a. Limfy a.k.a. Lymphatic nodes (she's gonna kill me if she reads this), and we have the best laugh I've had for a long long time... at Gavin's expense. Something about how Sel was one day trying to tell him something really really important and then he just gave a really retarded look... like his eyes were droopy and he looked like he was ready to knock out, and at the same time his upper lip was rolled in and stuck to his gums.

I told Sel the next time he does that, she must take a picture of it and post it up on her blog.

Next week I'm taking leave for Christmas and we're going to Ipoh for a 'makan' trip! Food glorious food, here we come!

The LOLL (lack-of-love-life) update

I apologize for the fact that this has now become my sad blog. Since I've started my Read in Red blog, I prefer to keep all my non-personal updates about any interesting stuff on that blog and stuck to blogging more personal stuff here. Unfortunately the only time I have personal stuff to blog about is when I'm sad or depressed for some reason or another, or something to do with my love life or griping over my lack of it. At least the fact that I don't update very often goes to show that I don't get sad or depressed so easily... and I still don't have much of a love life, so I can't keep griping about that. But today's post kinda falls under the latter category of griping about my (lack of) love life. Get ready to be bored again. Nyek nyek.

I met a new guy friend recently. I find said guy mentioned above a very interesting person, just a year older than me. But I can talk to him easily and openly and we have interesting conversations. He has quite a regularly interesting blog, just simple stuff about his life. The thing I liked was how he liked to update about his personal thoughts and activities with his friends and loved ones (he seems to be a pretty active guy)... the stuff I SHOULD be blogging about here, but I'm not coz' I'm a lazy bum!! It inspired me to get blabbering here again. Don't know how long the inspiration will last though. :P The sad part for me is that said guy is already taken and going to be married early next year. So it's like that Alanis Morrisette song, you know, the one where's she sings about how life is as ironic as 'meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife'. In this case, fiance.

Well, if you've been paying attention to what few updates I've made to this blog, you'd have known my last post mentioned about how I'm starting to not be too into the idea of getting hitched anyway, so no biggie. Just cursing my bad luck coz' something COULD have happened if he was NOT already with another girl. *Sigh* Welcome to the story of my love life, people. But I'm glad to have him as a friend anyway. It's nice to have someone new come along and inspire me every once in a while, even if it's to work these lazy fingers and start blogging about my boring life.

Yet I'm also strangely happy with the fact that I'm not desperate to get into the relationship. Reason I know this is because I met ANOTHER guy recently during a gathering of Christian friends I have not in ages (met them in a camp). This guy was particularly chatty with me during the dinner, and he's a nice guy, got a long well too, so we exchanged numbers. Since then, he has called me up every now and then just to chat and asked me out for drinks a few times (I've only gone out with him once for breakfast and a movie). And he often start online chats with me, just to chat. So I'm pretty sure this guy has a thing for me.

Sad to say, the feeling is not mutual.

Like I said, he's a nice guy... just that apart from talking about what boring stuff is happening in our lives (which is not much), I don't find our conversations very interesting. He does not strike me as someone opinionated or with an interesting view of things, or, well.... an interesting person in general. So as nice as he is and flattered as I am by his attention, I'm simply not attracted to him. I'm not quite sure how to tell him this though... I'm still replying to his chats and would probably still go out with him again. Maybe after a while of me not reciprocating with initiating the chats, etc, he'll get the hint?

So here I am liking a guy I can't have and being liked by a guy I'm not interested in. My life is now almost fodder for a cheezy Taiwanese drama! Whoop whoop!

Taking stock

There comes a point in most people’s lives when you kinda stop and take stock of where you have been, where you are now, and where you think you’re gonna end up. Actually I’ve been at that point a few times already, but this is the first time I’ve already taken the time to actually write about it. I think there are very few people in this world who, when they come to this point, can actually honestly say that they are perfectly happy with where they are, and most people having an inherent desire to get more than what they currently have or be more than what they currently are, would tend to bitch about what they desire but have not achieved. Which to some point is understandable… being too content with your lot means you will lack drive to get better things. But having a high drive to obtain more also leaves you discontented. So where does a person find the balance? Without a doubt, whether or not a person tends to lean towards accepting their lot or striving for what they want depends a lot on their personality and life experiences.

When it comes to my work, I guess I’m kinda like Goldilocks. I don’t like my chair too big and porridge too hot, I don’t my chair too small or my porridge too cold either, I like it just nice. I hoped to be a reasonably successful career woman, who is allowed to carry out my work with independence and be paid reasonably well for it, but I don’t particularly aim to be at the top of the career ladder, managing my own company with lots of cronies under me. Right now, I can safely say that career-wise, I am pretty much where I want to be, and I have potential to take on a future managerial role in my company, in which case I will likely have a small team of people under me, which is fine (hasn’t happened yet though, right now I’m still a crony, but a crony left to work quite independently :) ). I don’t have a nutcase job of a boss breathing down my neck, and I am very grateful that I am in company with an open working environment and my manager trusts me a great deal, which is a fantastically much better experience than what I had to go through in my previous job at a GLC. For that, I am truly blessed and thankful.

In terms of my personal life and my relationships, however, it’s a more difficult question to answer when I ask if I am truly content with where I am now.

It used to be ‘No’. I’m not quite sure if I can safely say now that it is a ‘Yes’… but I think I’m getting there, because I’ve kinda learned that a major reason for disappointments in life in because of unmet expectations. Usually, these are unmet expectations of other people.

I think in terms of personal life and relationship, most people pretty much want the same thing. To have people they can be close to and enjoy a good relationship with, especially their family. And especially for more girls, they dream of the perfect wedding with the perfect man, after which both man and woman hope for adorable kids who grow up to be filial children that accompany and take care of their aged folks. Kinda like an extension of a fairy tale (which usually stops at the ‘Get married and live happily every after part’).

Unfortunately, reality very rarely turns out to be a fairy tale. People you think are your good friends can end up ignoring you. A husband can cheat on his wife, or vice versa. Children may grow up to be completely ungrateful and dump their folks at an Old Folks Home, never to visit them again.

I remember once when I was in primary school, there was this Indian girl I was friends with. Her name was Dharshini. I thought she was my best friend in the whole wide world. Then one day, I can’t remember exactly what happened, but I believe we were divided into different teams for sports, and I kept bugging the teacher to let me in the same team as her… but she didn’t bother to make the same request, in fact she was quite happy hanging out with other friends. And I remember feeling so sad and disappointed, I even cried. From then on, she was no longer my best friend, and while along the way, I had other ‘best’ friends in school, but I guess that kind of shaped my early thinking of friendship. Eventually, I drifted away from my other ‘best’ friends, and I learned to be less attached to people. To this day, I have many friends, but not many good friends, and not even a best friend. So much that I sometimes wonder who on earth I would ask to be my bridesmaid if I ever got married. No person I can call up anytime and pour my heart to if I’m not happy about something. To some extent, that also comes from my mentality that I hate inconveniencing other people, and I feel that blabbering my problems out to other people would make other people sad and hence inconvenience them, especially when they have no capacity to help me other than pat me on the back and try to make me feel better. I’m not sure why I learned to be like this… but I do know that the unfortunate effect is that I also get a bit annoyed when people call ME to blabber about their problems which I can’t do anything about. I mean, I understand that people sometimes just like to tell their sob stories, but honestly…as mean as it sounds, as long as the problem does not pertain to a loved one being dead or half dead, I can hardly care. It’s horrible of me, I know. I should care. It’s important to be able to listen to people, coz’ only then can I ever hope to develop a close relationship. But I am the way I am now.

Even to my own family, particularly my folks, deep inside, I would like to be close to them and be able to share stuff with them. I have no doubt that my folks love me, especially my mum. But we just did not grow being able to be open to each other and did not express care for each other with hugs and kisses. And honestly speaking, most of the times when I have shared my thoughts on something with my mum, she usually ends up disagreeing with me and advising me to do something I don’t wanna do, and if I show signs of not wanting to take her advice, she considers me rebellious. Too much to explain, but the point is, that has resulted in a clamp down in my openness to her. Not the ideal mother-daughter relationship, but I feel that that has been the only thing I could do to maintain an amicable relationship with her. My mum does it a lot with her 3 year old grand-daughter and her baby sister now, I guess that my mum’s way of trying to make up for how I and my brothers were raised.

There are also too many times on this blog when I have expressed my hope of meeting the right guy, and living that sort-of fairy tale life. I know the reality of it, of course, a lasting and loving relationship involves commitment and perseverance, and a willingness to compromise and serve your partner, not always hoping that the other fella just only do what you want. Throughout my life I have had crushes on… too many guys. Gone through that cycle of analyzing his every action and word spoken to me, looking for a sign of interest in me, experiencing that ecstatic high when he smiles at me. But I’ve also experienced too many times the disappointment at realizing he wasn’t interested in me at all. I’ve experienced and observed married couples who, instead of loving each other, want totally nothing to do with their partner, and even threaten for a divorce every other minute. I know people separated from their spouses, and having to raise children on their own. And I find it ironically strange that the same people in these crumbled relationships are hoping that I will find a boyfriend myself and get married one day. I mean, your experience sucked, why on earth would you want the same thing for me?

For most of my life, I’ve wanted to be with a man. A part of me still hopes for that fairy tales. But knowing the reality of it, I’m now coming to accept the idea that maybe it better to be single for the rest of my life. Oh, the shock and horror of it to most! No husband! No kids! Am I sure I want to live such a lonely life? Do I want to miss on the joy of being in a loving marriage and the joy of raising kids?

Well yes, I’ve thought of it, and the idea of dying without having anyone who really cares about me is pretty sad. But I also know that I would rather be single and lonely than married and STILL lonely (or even worse, hating that man sleeping next to me). I also know that I myself am full of crap, so full of crap that I may end up being the one hurting my partner, and that same crap will be inherited by whatever kids I have. Who's to say that being married will definitely lead to happiness? And speaking of kids, I don’t see the point of bringing kids into this world in the hopes that they will keep me company when I’m old, because it’s very likely whatever crappy personality traits I have will be inherited by them (in addition to having the crappy traits of my husband) and there is NO guarantee that they will not end up abandoning me… or even worse… that they will die earlier than me! Besides, it’s estimated that most of the world’s land mass will be covered with water over the next couple of decades due to rapid global warming, which would mean lack of dwelling space, lack of land for growing food, and pure havoc for our over-populated earth. Don’t want my kids going through that shit. The only regret I would have in not having kids is that I guess it would be nice to have more grandkids for my mum to enjoy... but then I have to deal with them for the rest of my life, and not her!

All in all, at this point in my life, in terms of my personal life, I can say that I have become quite jaded. The fear of being hurt in my relationships has overtaken my need to experience joy in a relationships, and I am willing to sacrifice the potential joy in order to protect myself from the potential pain, and therefore I’m perfectly find maintaining superficial relationships instead of making the effort to develop deeper ones. It’s not what I really want… but it’s what I've become.

I know that sounds rather depressing, and maybe most people reading this would be kinda sad for me. But there is no reason to be. Every person in their relationships has their joys and sadness, ups and downs. I prefer to take path of more… stabilized emotions… and sometimes it saddens me because like any normal girl I still wish and hope for love, but for the most part, I enjoy my independence, I enjoy being able to do whatever I want without having to be accountable for other people’s needs or worrying about hurting other people or being hurt myself. I still hope that along the way I find love, and that I learn to care more about other people, and perhaps over time I will change. And being still somewhat a believer in romance, as difficult as it is to find and MAINTAIN, I believe I’ve met only one man in my life who is afraid of relationships for the very same reasons I am… and for that reason, we may just be the right people for each other. And of course, it helps that I think he’s super hot, hmm… but again, one of those cases where the feeling isn’t mutual. But it’s still fun to dream. :)

ANYWAY (see, old habits die hard, I still blabber on about my schoolgirl crushes in the midst of being all contemplative), I see having hope as important, because no matter how jaded a person gets, if they completely lose hope that they will achieve the things they want, that’s just really sad. But at the same time, I wanna enjoy the moment and not dwell waiting for things I may never have.

Thanks for reading my long and boring thoughts, and have a blessed day. :)

Through my doubts, I celebrate the day

For most of my life, I have had what I guess most people would consider a slightly lukewarm Christian life. Slightly lukewarm because I still attend church, I serve in two different ministries, and I help out in occasional church events, but my faith is not actually all that great, I don't have a passion for telling the people around me about Christ, and I don't even bother to pray or read my Bible all that much these days. And for most of my life, this has been somewhat of a frustration to me. We Christians are always reminded that we are called by God to love other people, to serve Him, to try and bring others to Christ, to maintain a close relationship with God, yadda yadda yadda blablabla, and for some Christians, this seems to be easy. They say it's the love of God that drives them to do it, and for most people I think they have had some sort of spiritual or emotional experience with God and that's why they go all out for him. Very rarely do people believe in God because it intellectually makes sense to them. The weird thing for me is that, at this point in my life, the only thing that is keeping my faith together is that for the most part, the Christian faith intellectually makes sense. I guess at this point, most atheists and perhaps a great deal of Christians would be like "Wat??", but yeah, I've read the logical arguments for it and few months ago, I was in some online debates over my faith with non-believers. And during those debates, even though I was usually debating with more atheists than I could handle and I was the ONLY Christian, my faith came out stronger instead of weaker. Unfortunately, after a while, I got too busy with work and no longer have the time to continue the debates... and since then, I've had many questions and doubts about what I believe in. Intellectually, I have many reasons to believe there is a God (not going into the debate here, that's not the purpose of this post), but the doubts creeping in were on whether or not that God was actually the loving and personal God I've always been taught about. Because many times, I have prayed to Him, to ask for something... something I thought would be good especially for my spiritual growth, or something that I could use as a testimony for Him. Like the time my wallet was lost at Sunway Pyramid (most likely pickpocketed from my handbag), I prayed that I would get it back somehow, and not only me, but even a group of Christian friends prayed the same thing and their prayer was with even more gusto and confidence than mine. I prayed that if I got it back, I would definitely testify about it... but I never got my wallet back. So no testimony. And then there's the long standing prayer that I would find a nice Christian guy to be in a relationship with. I've asked God for that I dunno how many times throughout the past few years, and each time I would tell him that I really want to enjoy being in a relationship, and I want to enjoy the intimacy, but I don't want to get into another relationship with a guy was not Christian and undoubtedly would lead to problems, like in my past two relationships. And I would tell him it would be great to have a guy who could support me (and I could 'hopefully' support him) in our Christian walk together. You'd think God would be most happy to answer that request and send me my Mr. Right who is a Christian. But so far, I have been nothing but disappointed. To the extent where I've even asked him that if He wants me to single, then please take away my desire to want to be a relationship. He hasn't answered that either. Sometimes I wonder if God is purposely not giving me what I want coz' I got into previous relationships that I knew I shouldn't have, and on occasions crossed the line I shouldn't have. And sometimes I wonder if God is even hearing me at all, or whether He even cares. At points, the doubts have made me almost wanna throw my hands up, give up my beliefs, run out to a club and party the night away coz' I don't wanna think about it anymore. I live somewhat of a double life... I kinda pretend that I have a pretty ok relationship with God, and always chirpy and quirky, as most people call me... but in actuality I'm like that because I don't want people to know that I am problems in my faith. And I don't want them to know because I don't want them to get depressed because of my doubts, which may cause THEM to have doubts too. I think if they are having a good walk with God, why should I come along with my little grey cloud and rain on their parade?

I've never done the whole running-out-to-the-club part though... partially coz' all the cool clubs are all the way in KL and I have to pay quite a bit to get in. And partially because I know that giving up my faith isn't going to make me happy. It's probably going to make me just even more miserable. And one of the things I hold on to is the memory of my own spiritual experience I had in 2004, when I went through a similar bout of sadness and doubt, and I actually did make a decision that I didn't want to be a Christian anymore... and immediately after I was overwhelmed with so much sadness, I was crying uncontrollably like I'd never cried before and in my head I was wondering what was happening to me. And another part of my head (God talking, I guess) told me that this was all the pain and hurt I was going to through in my life if I were no longer a Christian. After that, well, I decided giving up my faith maybe not such a great plan after all.

The other things that keep me going is the stories of the Bible itself. Namely some of the Psalms and the book of Ecclesiastes and Job. Ecclesiastes, probably written by King Solomon, could go for the most depressing book of the Bible award and win hands down. The writer rants on about how everything in life is meaningless and depressing and people are full of crap, and stuff like that. And than there's poor Job, who was a pretty well-off dude with a strong faith in God, but one day everything was taken away from him, he lost all of his wealth and all his children dead, and he was left asking God why. And then there were the Psalmists, who also felt at times that God was far off, eg. first line of Psalm 10 says "Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?". All these writers have had their own issues with God and with their faith... but in the end, they all would eventually write about praising God for his goodness anyway. And in Job's case, he was doubly blessed. I guess in some ways, my issue is that the church has always drummed into our heads that we're supposed to be experiencing some great joy from God, and some people get the impression that we're supposed to be happy joyful people all the time, which makes me feel kinda blah coz' I'm not. But these books in the BIBLE, tell me that it's ok to feel the way I do... it's ok to feel that God isn't listening to me... it doesn't mean He isn't. Maybe He's just waiting for a better time.... or procrastinating.. :P And even through all the doubts and sadness I have sometimes, every time I decide to stop overthinking my faith and just give up some praise to God, I do feel an inexplicable sense of peace and joy which I guess for the most part, cannot be intellectually explained. And I guess that is a peace and joy that comes from God.

Thank you, Lord, for your death on the cross this Easter Day (I'm one hour and 45 minutes overdue, but it's ok, it's still Easter in the United States. :))

Coffee's Last Breath

Most of the stuff I post here now is personal stuff these days (since I started my other blog), and it's unfortunate that most of the personal stuff is rather sad stuff... today is no exception, and it's also about a death of one of my gerbils... but unlike Peanut, which I posted about some time ago, the death of Coffee, which happened a couple of days ago, was very much more special. And while I have been mum over the deaths of other gerbils, this one was so special, I have to pay tribute to Coffee on my blog.

Coffee is the daddy of all my other gerbils... except for my original mummy gerbil, Girl Girl, who is now, also dead. Gerbil was Girl Girl's son, who was born along with another female gerbil, Honey (she's still alive). This is Honey and Coffee (the slightly darker one) when they were kids, born around December 2006

After some time, Coffee turned from dark brown to half brown and black, which you can see in his teenager pic, where he's on the left looks pretty weird, like most teens do.

And here he was, completely black, after he mated with his mum (yes, I know it sounds wrong) and became the proud big daddy of a bunch of little gerbs.

These guys are cute to bits when they are young. But they are grew up, of course, and now my gerbils are all over 3 years old now, and that makes them grandmas and grandpas in gerbil age. So they've been dying off one by one. After Peanut, I found my mummy gerbil dead one day (pretty late too coz' her body was quite eaten up by ants already), and a couple of months later, my smallest and slightly off balance female gerbil, Chomper, bit the dust too. In both cases, I could see them both weakening and slowing down a week or two before, and had much reduced appetite, so I figured they were getting ready to go. And when I found them dead, it was not unexpected, and I was sad, but didn't cry. I just wrapped them up in newspapers and threw them out in the trash. A bit impersonal, I know, but with their bodies already stiff and decaying, I didn't want to be holding on to them too long.

So a week ago, when I noticed Coffee starting to really slow down, become very inactive, and , I knew his time was running out. I checked him often to see how he was doing, and a couple of days ago when I noticed him being really sleep and refusing to eat his favourite kuaci, I took him out for a run around my room, thinking that it might be one of his last chances to enjoy a bit of freedom. He did run around a bit, but he looked like a sleepy old grandpa.

So I gave him a few head rubs, and talked to him a bit. I'd always liked Coffee and like to call him my 'good boy' coz' he doesn't bite me when I'm holding him... he just sits in my hands and even seems to like it when I rub his head. So I consider Coffee my favourite gerbil... and told him I didn't want him to die. He looked at me sleepily some more. So I put him back in his cage, and went out for a couple of hours.

When I got back, I went to his cage again, and saw him sitting in one corner, away from his fellow gerbils, and it looked like he was slowly chewing something... but it was unusual behaviour. So I opened the cage and took him out to have a look. He wasn't chewing anything, but slowly gasping for breath. I knew something was wrong. I thought maybe he would like some banana, so I carried him over to the dining table, ready to feed him some. But suddenly his body started going into spasms, jerking so hard, I had to hold him tight so I didn't drop him. Then his body started squeezing inwards like something invisible was pressing hard against him. I had NO idea what was happening, I could only watch helplessly and all this happened in my hands. Then, as his body relaxed again, he let out one last breath and... he was dead.

There I was holding my Coffee's lifeless body in my hands, shocked at what just happened. And my mum certainly wasn't very sympathetic, she saw what went on when he was in spasms, and when I worriedly asked out loud what was happening to him, she nonchalently said he was dying. And when he was dead, she just said, at least he waited for me before he died.

I didn't cry at the death of my other gerbils (except my original Peanut, and I cried only out of anger at my dad)... but seeing all that happened with Coffee, my favourite gerbil, I couldn't help but cry. I do wonder if he actually wanted me to hold it when it died... or was it just a coincidence? Did he feel comfortable when I held it, so much that he decided it was the right time to go? I don't know, but I would like to think so

Unlike the other gerbils, I couldn't bear to throw Coffee out in the dumpster. His body was still warm and hadn't stiffened... and I sat in my room for a while, holding him while crying, hoping that somehow he would wake up, and feeling so strange that I could lift him up, poke him, and there would be no reaction from him. So after a while I took his body downstairs to my condo's garden (this was late at night, btw), dug up a small plot at the corner, and buried him there. I hope something nice grows there... like maybe a sunflower.

Watching him die was truly surreal. I'd never seen something die of natural causes right in front of me. And it made me wonder a lot of things... like did Coffee have a spirit that went somewhere after he died? Is there a gerbil heaven? Or will he and all my other gerbils go to people heaven? And it made me wonder how some people can NOT believe in spirits or souls... there is an essence in all living creatures that makes them ALIVE. The body is just a container... but even though the body is still normal and can function, like in Coffee's case, he was perfectly healthy all this time, and was just old... for some reason, that 'life' inside of him was there one second, and the next... it was gone. For no apparent reason... he wasn't sick, he wasn't injured... but he died. Where did his life essence go?

It's also a grim reminder that one day, that will happen to me too. And I hope, not only will I die of natural causes, but like Coffee, that I will die in the hands...or rather, arms of someone who cares about me. I'm really sad seeing Coffee die... but I would rather all my gerbils die in my hands then any other way. And the fact that he, being my favourite gerbil, and dying in such a way, although sad, but it was very special to me. I guess seeing something you care about die in front of you, but you are powerful to stop it, really gave me something to think about. Ironic that it's so easy to take away a life... but we are completely powerless to give it back.

Rest in piece, Coffee buddy, and do I hope I get to play with you some more in people heaven. :)

Until we meet again, Carol

My friend, Carol Rasiah, was a special person in many ways. One, which is very hard to go unnoticed, is that she was born with a severe form of a disease called osteogenesis imperfecta, which causes brittle bones that fracture and break easily, and in her case, causing growth defects and malformed bones. So she has spent all her life in a wheelchair, and hardly able to move around. What makes her even more special was that even with her condition, she had always been full of joy and gratefulness to God (this is also evident from posts on her blog. And yes, she ripped that music player off my blog, with my permission. Lol. :) ), not to mention she had an incredible will to live life to the fullest. By God's amazing grace, she was able to spend more than 2 years living by herself in an apartment near my condo. Every thing she does which the rest of us able-bodied people take for granted is an incredible task. From getting off her bed into her wheelchair, to using the bathroom, to cooking up a meal... I have no idea how she does it, but somehow she does it all on her own. Of course, when it comes to cleaning up her house, she gets a maid to come in once in a while to help out. I only got to know her in 2008, and during Christmas that year, she asked me to help her put up her Christmas tree, of which I gladly obliged.

Last Christmas, however, I did not hear anything from her, or even received an sms from her during Christmas. Which at one point I thought was quite odd since she would usually sms every now and then, especially on special occasions. But this time she didn't, and I had a nagging feeling that I should give her a call and say hi or something, but I didn't. Now I've learned that nagging feelings should not be ignored. I got news this week that Carol passed away recently. According to her obituary, it stated that she passed away on the 1st of January, however, from reading other online sources, it seems she passed on in early December. And I only knew about it two days ago!
I went to her memorial service today and learned that it was due to a bad accident. Every week, some folks come in a van to pick her up and help her do some chores like shopping and getting a haircut, etc. While in the van, the driver had to emergency brake, and because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt (she's small and it's difficult for her wear a normal seat belt. I think she was also in her wheelchair at the time, which makes it more difficult), she got flung forward. The impact fractured her spine, skull and God knows how many other bones, and she was unconscious in the hospital for days, until she finally gave up her life. The news of how it happened was especially heart breaking to me, because I took her out in my car several times. And every time I would put on the seat belt for her, even though she would laugh and say it wasn't necessary. I would always say "Nonono, you gotta wear your seatbelt!", although I would only strap the bottom part across her, while the part that usually goes across the chest would go behind her back instead, since she was too small and the strap would only go across her face. If only she had followed my advice... she might have survived.

The last time I saw her was on 14 November 09, when she asked me to come to her place and help put up a clock on her wall. It didn't take too long for me to do so, and after that I just chatted with her for a bit, and I remember talking to her about all this online debates about Christianity that I've been getting into, and some of the difficult questions related to our faith. And she just put a big smile on her face and said that even though we don't have all the answers, we should always still put our faith in God. It's just amazing that someone with a debilitating condition like hers can have such faith in God and be so happy, when there are so many able-bodied people out there who do nothing but complain about every piece of crap that happens to them, but not make a peep when good stuff happens. I do feel a bit crappy that I didn't contact her more after that. I feel especially crappy in that I knew she didn't get many visitors, although she wanted people's company, and she even asked me once before if I could be a good friend to her. And not that I didn't enjoy her company, but I know I'm very bad at spending time with people, even good friends, and so I didn't want to disappoint her by making such a promise and then end up not spending as much time with her as she would have liked. I suppose it's normal to feel such regrets when someone is gone, and perhaps it serves as a reminder for us to not take our loved ones for granted and spend time with them while we are still able to.

Nevertheless, although death brings sadness, there is still a cause for joy because I know now she is no longer feeling the pain of her condition and one day I will get to see her again, enjoying an eternal life with a perfect body free of ridiculous birth defects. And when I do see her, first thing I'm gonna say is "I TOLD you so! Why didn't you wear your seatbelt, hur??". Lol. Until we meet again, Carol! :)

My last photo with her, taken when I brought her to my church on October 18, 2009: