Not wanting to want

Yay, I finally got a working blog page navigation thingy on my revamped blog. Woohoo! On the downside, it somehow or another has resulted in my entire list of buddies blogs to disappear. Ugh. I'm too lazy to work on filling up that list right now. I just wanna blog.

Last Friday I went to a cell group (which is now officially called LifeNet Groups in my church, but that always reminds me of LNG, i.e. liquid natural gas, and that kinda cracks me up) for the 1st time in a few weeks. Some things going on in my cell group, resulting in it being disbanded so I am now in another cell group, although these days I don't really feel like going anymore for reasons that I will explain somewhere along the way here.

But I went to cell on Friday anyhow, and the topic of discussion was the famous Psalm 23. And so the leader tells us that we're supposed to read the whole psalm, then think about which line of the psalm taught us something, explain why and also share how we could apply whatever it is we 'learned' to our lives. We were given about 5 minutes to read through and think about what we wanted to say. So for 5 whole minutes the group was pin-drop silent while we read through but I'm sure our brains were all frantically thinking of something reasonably intelligent to say if we were asked. Fortunately I actually did think of something to say, although it wasn't so much on how that verse could be made applicable to my life. I kinda misunderstood what we were supposed to do as I was thinking we were just supposed to share about our thoughts on that verse that 'hit' us, and I was the first one to share my thoughts, so I didn't have a chance to correct myself.

The line that struck me most was the first line of Psalm 23:

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want"

I just found out that other versions of the Bible translate the 2nd part as "I lack nothing" or "I have all that I need", which wouldn't have invoked similar thoughts in me, coz' the part that kinda boggled me was the whole idea of not wanting anything. Coz' I don't think it's really humanly possible to not want anything. People always want something, whether it's new stuff, a relationship, good exam results, a promotion, a feeling of gratification... heck, even a suicidal person with no hope wants to die. How the heck does someone not ever want anything?

Then I was reminded of a conversation I had before with a Buddhist friend. This was not the type of Buddhist who worshipped little statues or gave altar offerings... he never bothers with any of that. The only reason why he calls himself a Buddhist is coz' he accepts the teachings of Buddhism, one of which he explained to me and I found quite interesting, was that in order to attain true happiness/bliss, we have to learn to not want. The reason for this is because our desire for something is usually the same thing that causes us grief or unhappiness.

He gave an example of a guy he knows... a rich guy who earns a comfy five-figure salary every month...more than what most people earn in a year. You'd think this guy would be very happy... but far from it. He's always unhappy and complaining that he doesn't earn enough money...but the thing is this guy doesn't even spend the money. He just earns a hoopla of dough every month and keeps it away, spending most of his time making more money rather than enjoying what he has made. For him, he only wants to make the money. That's where he gets his kick, and he has a goal of how much he wants to make. But for someone like him, even if he does reach his 'target' salary, he STILL won't be happy... because then he'll just continue wanting more. And he'll never be happy because of it.

But letting go of our 'wants' doesn't apply only material things, my friend explained. He also gave the example of his mother, whose favourite son is my friend's eldest brother. Unfortunately the eldest brother has never shown much appreciation for his mother, although she has helped take care of his children, cook food for his family, etc, etc. And because she wants to receive some form of appreciation from him but never gets it, she always complains about it and feel dejected. My friend simply advises her that if she wants to continue to dot on her son and his children, she should do so without expecting anything in return, since it only causes her grief.

So I shared this little conversation with my Buddhist friend with the cell group... and at the end of it I said that it was an interesting teaching, but Psalm 23 goes further. Coz' it not only tells us that by having God in our lives, we will no longer want (or need) anything... but at the end of the psalm, it also says "Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life". And so Psalm 23 tells us that God not only provides us with what we need and make us not 'want', but goes even further by providing us with love. And that's one up on Buddhism (with full respect to my Buddhist friends).

The truth is, I said all that coz' it was a nice comfy text-book answer... but honestly I would have had so much more to say on the topic of 'wanting' that would have been much less fine and dandy, but I would have been opening a can of worms, most likely giving my cell leader a headache and potentially raising doubts in the others about their faith, which would have been BAD. This is part of the reason why I kinda lost my steam for cell group. I find it unconducive for asking difficult questions coz' either no one can really answer (or at least give some good opinions as food for thought), or I worry how the difficult questions will affect the faith of others. But I like opening up cans of worms. >:)

DISCLAIMERRRR: If you are a new Christian / Christian who doesn't like hearing difficult questions about your faith and just think all Christians should just have blind and not ask such silly things, please stop reading now. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Listening to my Buddhist friend, I thought that the concept of being happy by learning not to want really made a lot of sense to me. I don't consider myself a person of high ambition and wanting a lot of new stuff... but nevertheless, there are some things, as in inmaterial things, that I do want. I wanted something so much that I have prayed for God to provide it (and I don't plan on sharing what it is here, coz' a girl needs her secrets. ;)). But after such a long time of not getting what I prayed for, I ended up being disappointed. I know that I'm not supposed to treat God like a Santa Claus, asking Him for stuff and kicking up a rebellious fuss if I don't get what I want. But I do think that want I asked for was a good thing... you know... in line with his will or whatever, coz' in a way it would hopefully have helped me grow in my faith as well.

The unfortunate result has been that now I try not to ask for anything when I pray now. I still pray in other ways... thanking God for a blessings, talking to Him when I need to bitch about something but I don't want to tell people, etc, etc. But asking Him for anything now is difficult for me... just coz' I don't want to be disappointed if I don't get what I prayed for. I absolutely abhore that feeling of disappointment, whether it's due to people or God. I would almost say I have a fear of disappointment, which has led to me developing a 'fear' of having too close relationships. It's not a good thing, I know, but shit happens.

Even then, I still do pray every now and then for something, with some sort of miniscule hope that it will happen, even though Christians always say that when we pray, we should believe in complete faith that it will happen, but I really can't do that coz' I also believe that God can up and decide that what we asked for is not the best for us and just not give us what we asked for. And voila, my complete faith would be completely crushed coz' on the surface level, it seems God decided to take my prayer request and shove it in the backburner.

Now my prayer is more along the lines of "Please God, provide for me what I ask for, but if You don't plan to do so, then please God, take away my desire for this thing I'm asking for so at least I don't feel so crappy". Even then, my prayer for request no. 2 is still not answered and I still feel like crap for not getting what I'm asking for.

That in turn has brought up the question in my mind... did God decide not to take away my desire for this thing I really want, but am not getting, because:

A) He insists on not doing everything for me so I have to figure out how to deal with it myself which helps me develop 'character'

B) He doesn't have the power to take away my desire ~(:O)

C) He wouldn't take away my desire because He created humans to have free will and removing my desire is akin to removing part of my free will

D) He derives some for of entertainment in watching me pine away for something I can't get

Ok, I'm not that serious about the last one, but the thought does pop into mind after a while.

Nevertheless, if there's one thing I believe I have never lacked in, it's hope. I still hope for the thing that I want, and even though I do get disappointed and have a beef with God sometimes, that hope keeps my desire, and my faith in God, somewhat afloat.

Well hey, I ended with a somewhat feel-good note. That wasn't too bad eh. :P Here some lolcats to make u smile.

U-Turn

Today in church, Pastor Mal talked about making u-turns in life. In other words, when you know you're not doing something right in your life (going the wrong direction), with Jesus, there is always a chance to repent and 'u-turn' back to the right path. And he shared the story of a murderer on death row who gave his life to Jesus and became a totally changed person who ministered to many others prison inmates before being executed.

I just wonder... what about the people who are not so driven to change. Those who say they repent and actually have tried to change, but eventually go back to their old 'sinful' ways because they lack the willpower to change? Or those who have been taught these Christian values from a young age were never really so 'sinful' in the first place but then later on go tired of being so 'good' that they became 'sinful' just for the fun of it. They always say God can provide the strength to live according to His ways if you ask for it... but when people 'u-turn' back to the wrong direction even after they have have pledged to make a change and prayed for help to become a more Godly person, does this mean God didn't really give the strength to that person, and instead such strength (or desire to change) has to come from the person itself?

I've changed my way of thinking on the purpose in asking God to change me for the better. But anyway, there have been many times that I have asked God to help change me for the better, but eventually after the spiritual euphoria wears off, I end up going back to being the same person doing things I know I shouldn't be doing. The atheists would throw their hands up in glee, saying that this goes to show that God doesn't really exist after all, coz' He didn't answer my prayer even though it was to change to be better. But I have thought about it, and have the feeling now that if God is really there, and He really wants us to make a 'u-turn', then it should be something that comes out of our own desire, and not because He voodoo-ed us into becoming someone else. In other words, if I really appreciate what God has done for me, I shouldn't need to ask Him to help me change to be more like what he wants, I would do it automatically out of love and appreciation.

The next question is, would God still forgive such a person who continues to live going in the 'wrong direction' because they have just kept trying and trying to change themselves for the better, but always ends up failing to the point where they just can't be bothered anymore? Some people might say, yes, God is always ready to forgive if you really want it, some might say that the lack of ability to change one's sinful ways to God's way is already a sign that the 'repentance' in not sincere. But there is a difference between sinning on purpose and taking God's forgiveness for granted, and sinning because you can't really help yourself and sometimes if you don't do what you've been taught is 'wrong', you end up feeling like crap anyway. I don't wanna give an example of what I'm talking about, coz' it's something you either understand if you're going through it, or you don't, in which case, you don't need to know.

Just some tough questions that swam into my mind today.

The blog got a makeover!

I finally got sick of the old look and did a total revamp of my blog, with a little help from templatesblock.com where I got my current template from. Since now I have another blog (www.read-in-red.blogspot.com) for me to write about more frivolous stuff (it was intended to be money-spinning blog with ads and all, but I don't post much anyway and my grand earnings from my ads now are probably less than a 50 cents), I've decided to change this to a place for more personal ramblings, and I thought a the diary look would be pretty cool. The idea is that now only my good friends will know about this blog and everyone else I'm acquainted with but not so close to can read my other blog, but of course, I don't do a great job of keeping this blog private either, so anyone on the web can find it if they looked hard enough. lol. So well, I just like segregating my personal thoughts from my frivolous posts now. Sorry if you're confused.

One problem now is that the right 'page' is mostly empty now coz' it's the sidebar. And for the moment the page navigation buttons are missing and the 'Subcribe to Posts' link at the bottom doesn't work properly. I don't have the time to fix it now though, so I'll crack my brains on this later (of course, any html geniuses who can help me out would be much appreciated!).

I also got rid of the music player, which I know was annoying to some people, but I just couldn't bring myself to get rid of it for a while since it's also being used by my friend Carol Rasiah on her blog, Just Being Autonomous. The other Carol was a friend of mine with a bone disorder that made her extremely stunted and she died in a car accident at the end of 2009, as I blogged about earlier here. Yeah, it was sad.

And yes, also changed the blog title. Just coz' my previous blog title (Crimson Shadow) didn't really match my blog url. 'Nuanced' is "possessed of multiple layers of detail, pattern, or meaning", which kinda reflects the intention of my blog. But if that confuses you too, just accept that I changed the name and smile. ^_^

Anyway, more posts coming soon, maybe I hope. :P