Ignorance is truly bliss

I'm intelligent and too highly principled. I'm not saying to that to show off or be self righteous. Because in some ways, it's a curse. Research shows intelligent people get depressed more easily. This video explains it quite well and perfectly applies to me :

https://youtu.be/lUeDTLBOiRk

How being intelligent and/or too principled negatively affects me:

1) I've had countless blowouts with my typical Asian mother who cannot accept that I have opinions different from her. And being opinionated, I have plenty thoughts that are different from hers. Any disagreement is seen as me trying to be rebellious who she wrongly raised. I now barely talk to my mother. Her side of the family (her siblings) also tend to get very loud and argumentative during every family get together, that such gatherings are simply more a pain than happy family moments, and some of them stopped talking to each other too. Obviously that doesn't do much for my depression

2) I over analyse every thing which causes me to make life decisions that lead my further isolation. Evidence of  overpopulation, global warming, and the fact that we are losing land which means less space for food production and living space, means one day soon very likely, humans will no longer be able to sustain ourselves. I'm guessing within the next 50 years or less, everything's gonna go to shit, poor and middle income people will be suffering from lack of resources to survive and the rich won't bother to help. Look at what's happening with the water situation in Cape Town. So I feel morally obligated to ensure I don't breed more kids that will add to the problem and put them in that shitty situation while I would probably be too old or dead. So I don't plan to have kids. So no one to take care of me when I'm older. I'll be old and alone.

3) I don't like being a burden to people and to some extent, me meeting up with friends and taking up their precious time makes me feel like I'm burdening them for wanting them to waste their time on me. So I hardly arrange to meet up with friends, though if friends ask me out then I usually happily agree. But on those rare occasions when I do try to arrange a meet up with friends, some are too busy, can't commit, don't want to come to my house cos of my pets (I have five dogs who might be one of the few reasons I'm still alive). So being rejected by their unwillingness to meet me after being invited just discourages me from making further effort to meet up with friends. And of course the less I ask people out, the more they think I don't care about them and the less they ask me out. Hence, further isolation.

4) I really want to be able to mentally connect with someone, but find it difficult to meet people who can accept my mostly depressing logic, like in no. 2. I post opinions on social media hoping just one of my few hundred friends can offer their own opinion, even challenge mine, so I can enjoy a mind stipulating discussion and even come out learning something new from them. But no one, not one of my friends, does that. Mostly my posts are ignored. No one wants a debate. I figure because everyone is too busy with their lives, or just see me as a noisy bitch trying to start arguments with people.

4) Due to no. 4, i figure I would be much happier if I could just find a life partner whom I could really mentally, emotionally and physically connect with, and at least with him around, it would make my isolation easier. But I'm also paranoid about being hurt or stuck with a husband I can't stand, coz my parents had a sucky marriage and I'm terrified of going though the same thing. Plus I get really annoyed with stupidity, and sorry to say, it's very easy for potential date to turn me off by doing something I consider dumb. So I've been single for years. Further isolation.

You might think it can't be that hard, too find one person, out of over 8 billion people, that I can mentally, emotionally and physically connect with. Not much to ask. But even that I can't get. There are ones I like and reject me. There are ones I like and like me too but are too busy or emotionally unable to commit. Of course there are ones who like me but I'm not interested. It been years of relationship disappointment and fear of being hurt that I've come to accept that my love life must be cursed.

Well, I actually did meet a guy recently that I  connected with perfectly. We enjoyed a couple nights together, great sex, great conversation. But guess what? Him being also highly logical and intelligent, he also suffers from severe depression that makes him withdraw frequently and for long periods. He has not spoken to me for over two weeks. I feel like my one shot at happiness has disappeared so soon. As you might imagine, that has sent me on the downward spiral that lead this post. Even if he didn't withdraw, he's of a different race. I've where in my country, if I were to him, I would be forced by some dumb law or by peer pressure to convert a fucking religion that that I don't believe in. A religion that even he doesn't believe by has no choice but to pretend to follow so he doesn't get ostracized by his peers. No wonder he's depressed. Can't be good for your mental health w when idiots force you to live a fucking lie your whole life. I want to date and potentially marry a person, not be forced into a fucking religion to be with someone I love. Amazing how so many idiots can't get that and think imposing their beliefs in others makes them better.

5) Because of this deep annoyance of over zealous religious people imposing their beliefs on others, which indirectly affects me as explained above, I regularly speak out against any form of religious control on my social media. I have no issue with people following a religion of it's done willingly and you don't impose on others. You can pray to the bonsai tree next to your house or believe that God is an invisible flying unicorn for all  I care. But I can't stand imposition of belief. Simple as that. But you know, in my country, speaking against such practices by people of another religion gets me into trouble. Especially when I'm now a relatively high ranking position in my company and have to be a good role model. I can't talk negatively about religious or political stuff in public coz that will affect my image and my company's image. Even though smart people should have the brains to know my opinions are not that of my company's, but hey, dumbasses won't. They'd happily complain about my ass and get me fired because their small grey matter can't accept an opinion or belief that challenges theirs. I mean I'm grateful for being in the position I am and having a good job, for sure. It wasn't even something I chased after but was offered to me. But I also find it stifling. Because I have to be a role model. I have to hold back my thoughts and opinions. I have to pretend to be someone I'm not. It would be bearable if I had that one person out of 8 billion people whom I could connect with and wouldn't judge me for who my unorthodox opinions. But nope, I can't even have that.

All the above and the thought that I will most likely die alone due to having no life partner, no kids and basically no one who really gives some shit what I really think has made me decide when I'm old and frail and becoming a burden to others, I would probably commit suicide. But even then I would have to find a way to have my body automatically disposed so not to burden others from cleaning the mess I leave behind, or I'd feel bad about that too. I'm thinking a quick painless death by inhaling high pressure nitrogen, while on a boat in the ocean with a rig that automatically dumps me overboard after I've passed. My body would be food for the fishes and no hassle for anyone. I guess I should start learning engineering to build that auto body dumping rig. Hahahahaha.

So yeah, being smart and highly principled is the bane of my life. At this point I wish I was born a dumbass, coz ignorance is indeed, much more blissful.