Jade has won the war

It's interesting how things can turn upside down in just a couple of days. A couple of days ago, I had confessed my interest to a guy and though the outcome wasn't not quite what I had hope, I got the impression that he actually had interest in me but needed time to settle some things in his life. Although he didn't say he wanted me to wait for him, I was still somewhat happy. I was happy because I thought, you know, at least this guy out of all the other guys I've been interested in before, actually has interest in me too. So it's ok if he's not ready. Even if he didn't ask me to wait, I like him enough that I wouldn't mind waiting for as I can, to see how it goes, just as long as I know that I have a chance. It was just a little happy bubble I had keeping me afloat.

However, my conversation that day with him was rather vague. Vague enough that I wasn't actually sure if my impression of his interest in me was correct or not. So I decided I needed to make sure, and this time I was perfectly direct about what I wanted to know. A few months back, he was the one who initiated conversation with me and from there we got to know each other better to the point where I developed interest in him. So today I ask him straight out whether his intention was because he wanted me as a friend or was he hoping for it to be more than that.

The simple reply was that his initiation of conversation was purely a friendly gesture, and that he's sorry that I misunderstood that to be something more.

And in one feel swoop my happy little bubble has been burst. This guy, whom I thought I had a chance with is just another guy in my long list that has no interest whatsoever. I. Was. Wrong. AGAIN.

Well, I've gone through this before. Shouldn't be a big deal, right? Just suck it up, accept that shit happens and move along and try to find someone else, right?

Wrong.

Today, I believe, is the breaking point of my proverbial stick, in which tension has gradually accumulating over many years. The feeling I had today, is the same feeling that drives people to drink themselves silly until they no longer remember anything. The feeling that made me slap myself, or pinch myself, or poke myself with something really hard, because that physical pain was the only way to distract me from wanting to cry. If I were someone more emotionally unstable, there are far worst things I could be doing to myself, but thankfully those are ideas I can keep well under control. For the most part.

I posted before about how I like to imagine myself as two different characters, whom I named Jade and Hope. As the name implies, Hope is the little voice that tells me that I can't give up. The little voice that says, there's still hope for me. I'm not a worthless scum of a human being that doesn't deserve to be loved. God isn't deriving some sort of sick fun out of watching my heart get shredded time and time again. Although it might really easy for Him to send some great guy into my life right now, He's keeping you waiting so you can develop some characterrrrr. Coz' character is important.... So everything I go through this situation with a guy, I've always come out of it, with still some hope that maybe next time it'll be different. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Each time I go through it again, I still have that hope.

Jade, on the other hand, is the little voice that just tells me life will be so much easier if I just gave up this desire for human companionship. That little voice that says, well, half of marriages end in divorce, and most of the other half end up like your parents (i.e. they barely tolerate each other). Why, Carol, why do you wanna go through all that? Just enjoooooy your single life and stop dreaming about a relationship that's going to bring you more headache. After all... you may be lonely when you're single.... BUT at least you're a gazillion times more emotionally stable than you would be in a relationship. I know people with this kind of mindset. They're not completely happy, but they're enjoying their life.

I think I might have been able to deal with this the same way again if this was just another guy whom I didn't really know... whom I thought was just kinda cute but I didn't really know him that well. But this time, it's different coz' I've become close to this guy, and I've told him a lot of stuff that I normally tell people. I've seen his character, and he's someone that I really trust.

And so that makes the rejection a bit too much to handle.

So here's the grand plan. I'm just gonna allow myself to completely emotionally derail for the next couple of days, and feel through the sadness until there's nothing left to feel. After that I am just gonna enjoy my single life doing whatever I want, coz' I don't need a guy. I don't want a relationship. I don't wanna hope for a relationship. Coz' I don't need to go through this crap again. I'm gonna use my money, and get my own place, live my own life and do whatever the heck I want to coz' I don't need to be accountable to a boyfriend or a husband, which is GREAT. And the best thing is you won't have to hear about me whine about a guy ever again on this blog.

In my own little twisted mind, I also like to imagine that Jade has Hope's head skewered on the end on the end of a sword, Mortal Kombat style. Just to make the little bitch doesn't come back to haunt me again. >:)

By the way, if you're concerned about how I'm doing, you don't need to ask, because I'll just say that I'm doing perfectly fine. It will be the truth soon enough.