Today, I told the guy that I like how I felt about him. Kinda did it a long-winded, beating around the bush (and kind of hilarious, now that I think about it) manner under the context of getting his opinions on what kinda signals a girl can send to tell a guy that she's interested in him. I was hoping that he would get my hints and make the first move of telling me how he felt about me, since I try to make it a point to not make the first move when it comes to guys (I try, but I still fail). As it turns out, his definition of the 'first move' was completely different from mine and the fact that he initiated conversation and took the effort to get to me better few months back was already considered the 'first move' to him, which to him meant it was my turn to reciprocate, and to him that meant having to tell him exactly how I felt. That statement in itself told me what I wanted to know, which is that he is interested, so I thought, to heck with my rule, and I told him.
Unfortunately, the outcome was not quite what I hoped for. Turns out he's not ready for a relationship yet because he's in the process of making some life changing decisions and not ready to get involved with a girl yet. As you might imagine, my earlier happy little bubble was very quickly burst. My initial thought was "Why the heck did you tell me that earlier and get my hopes up only to shoot me down right after? Aaaarrrggghhh!!!"
Fortunately, I didn't say what I was thinking, and that initial feeling of frustration quickly turned into relief and... even a little but of happiness. Happy because I know how he feels too, and I wasn't being an idiot when I thought he's interested in me. And relief because that feeling of liking a guy and not knowing how he feels is to me and not getting the 'signals' from him that I'm hoping for... that feeling drives me a bit crazy, which also makes me annoyed with myself for allowing myself to get into that situation and get driven crazy. So the combination of going crazy by wondering how he feels and being annoyed with myself, makes me even more crazy. Which is why I very usually fail at keeping to my resolution to not tell the guy how I feel about him first. Coz' even if it turns out he's not interested, I would rather know it sooner, get bummed earlier then quickly move on rather than continue to prolong my self-antagonization. So now that I had it out, I'm no longer plagued by that feeling.
And after thinking about it for a while, actually I think it's for the best that he puts the relationship on hold. I've been chatting with him long enough to know he wants to commit and have a family, but right now he can't, for reasons he won't tell me, but I can kinda guess what they are. I'm guessing that he plans to work towards making a better life for himself, which in turns means he can better provide for a family....not that I know for sure, but it's my best guess. The fact that he has goals is, to me, better than a guy who no direction in life. And for him to decide to hold out on a relationship with a girl he likes so he can achieve his goals, whatever they may be, is an admirable quality in itself. Better than ending up with a guy who follows his heart but ends up being a 'scrub'.
A guy with a character like this is a keeper. And since he said he needed time to figure out his life before getting into a relationship, I told him that I don't mind waiting for him to figure it out, as long as I know I have a chance with him. And in another quite admirable response, he said he wouldn't feel right to ask me to wait since he doesn't know how long he'll take to work it out. In other words, I'm free to scout around for other guys. Which is a good thing for me, and it also kinda shows that he's thinking of me before himself. But like I said, a guy like is a keeper. And I would rather wait for him than 'scout around' and go through that whole stupid cycle of liking a new guy and most likely getting disappointed again. At least with him, now I know where I stand. And well, even though he won't tell me what his goals are, I would still like to be there to support and encourage him.
The best thing for me, is that he still wants to be close friends even after my confession of my feelings, which could have been potentially embarassing and even worse, result in the guy withdrawing and eventually no longer talking to me again (something I am quite afraid of, as it has happened to me more than once). Having someone I can trust to talk to about anything has been awesome, and I'm glad that after what I told him, we can still maintain that level of friendship.
So yeah, the response didn't turn out quite like I hope, but I'm still kinda happy. :)
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