The first three words I saw were 'love', 'you' and 'hum', in that exact order. It was only later on that I looked again and realized 'hum' is the first part of 'humour', but for some reason, I only noticed the first three letters. And I burst out laughing coz' at how freakily accurate this actually is for me, considering recent events (not that I believe such time wasters are meant to be accurate, but in this case it was, especially after looking at all the other words there and realizing none of them would apply to me, except maybe 'freedom'). 'Love' is pretty straightforward, after all, everyone wants that, not only me. 'You' of course reminded me of the guy I fancy. And 'hum' is being the state I need to be in now, humming a happy tune and taking it easy after another round of emotional derailment.
I'm quite happy with myself right now, as I am pretty much back to my normal emotional state after just a few days. It's especially good as now is holiday season and I was thinking how sad it would be if I was going to spend my free days at home drowning in my sad miserable state. I suppose I can attribute my quick recovery to having gone through similar situations a bit too often for my liking. This time though, I think I have come out of in a different manner than before. Previously I would just go through the motions of being bummed and come out of thinking, well, next time hopefully will be better. This time, I'm so dead serious about making sure I don't ever go through this again that I have really retuned my way of thinking, such that any thought I have now that I know may lead to the possibility of excessive disappointment, sadness, anger or any other crappy emotion later on, I now reject that thought.
My first step was my mental Mortal Kombat style assassination of my ever hopeful alter ago (a slightly disturbing side effect of video games and action movies, me thinks). Even then, two or three days ago I still had occasional sad thoughts hit me like a sack of potatoes, which put me in a sorry state that would have been really embarassing had anyone else seen me. And I figured I not only do I need to kick out hope, I need to learn how to reject all those other negative feelings that may suddenly hit me like a sack of potatoes.
So I came up with a new mental image of my remaining alter ego, Jade, now alone in a little room which represents my brain. In this little room, she sits and waits. Wearing a Tai Chi master-ish type robe, because that looks cool (again, too many movies). Every now and then a ball will bounce into the room, and those balls represent thoughts. So if a thought ball comes in that I know is a negative thought, or a thought that may lead to some sort of hurt, Jade immediately pushes it out of the room with the finesse of a Tai Chi master. Not in a urgent manner like how one plays basketball, but just sitting there, and when the thought ball gets too close, she just gently pushes it out of the room.
As unbelievable funny as it may sound, that image actually hekps put me in a rather nice peaceful zen place. Managing my thoughts as become like a peaceful game of ping pong in slow motion. Like when I start analyzing why that guy said the things he did or wondering if I should have done something differently, etc, etc, I take that thought ball and push it out before it can develop into worst feelings. And I use this for any other situation, like even being on the road and pissed off with another driver, instead of allowing that feeling of pissed off-ness to manifest into me spewing out some colourful words, I imagine taking that big thought ball and pushing it out of my head. And soon, I'm not so angry anymore, lalalaa. I know I haven't really had much time to test out my 'system', but so far it's been working pretty ok. Hearing about friends starting relationships or getting married used to make me jealous. I felt bad about being jealous, I didn't want to be jealous, but I couldn't really help it. And now I just like perfectly fine with it, happy for you, hope it all goes great. I'm in a state where, if that guy I liked announced right now that he was actually interested in another girl and getting married, it wouldn't upset me at all.
The sad part of this is that such a thought management process also requires that certain happy thoughts be rejected as well, depending on whether it on hinges on a matter that I know has the potential to affect me negatively later on. Like if that guy was to buzz me and make conversation. Usually that makes me happy. Now I cannot allow it to make me happy. Coz' that happiness leads to the thought that he cares about me. And maybe that means I still have a chance. And that leads to hope. And as we all know, hope is BAD. So I push out that thought from the beginning. I still chat with the guy, but that's about it. It's a chat between friends, nothing more. I just take it as it is and mosey along.
Of course, I'm not sure exactly how long I can or will stay in such a zen mode. In a couple of months or years, I may end up being in the same sorry situation again. In which case, there's still always alcohol. Also very good at managing thought processes and achieving a zen state, although you're not quite as much in control...
5 comments:
where to start... i love the positivity and the too many video games and movies. I to experience life that way. (sorry in advance for the long comment)
"Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it. Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong." - American History X
i feel that way about the human condition and thoughts. there are an infinite number of possibilities. so keep striving for better. so if you feel like a movie or a video game encapsulates an idea or notion that you are experiencing... well then
“Good artists copy; great artists steal,” -Picasso
now onto your zen state and current troubles, and please only take the advice that you want to, for i don't want to seem preachy.
but it seems that your order is "out of whack" to block your self off from happy feelings that may at some point lead to bad... " 'hey Mitch do you want a apple?' NO because eventually it will become a core." - Mitch Hedburg
i don't mean to rain on your progress parade. because i am so happy that you have found a way to distance yourself from the negative. but true zen will accept and even relish in the negative as much as the positive, because they are both just philosophical / intellectual illusions. the metaphor i use to help people understand my disposition is such. "i try to take pleasure in my pain, because even pain moves the pieces across the board." -bob smothers
pain brings you into the now. in a way that joy often doesn't. (which of course is not to say that one should spend too much time relishing in there pain just as they shouldn't spend too much time celebrating ones success's's's) but moreover that in the present should be where you spend your time.. in that zen room (i picture an oriental(ish) looking suit(ish) with those "buttons" that are a bit of string and then a knot) you shouldn't fear hope, unless it has some bearing on how you will then feel.
example: "i feel happy when he calls because XYZ and thats great because i like to feel XYZ. and hey, wouldn't that be cool if someday we could be together."
as appose to feeling sad that XYZ wont amount to anything so it sucks to even be exposed to XYZ.
maybe i am rambling a bit. but it feels like you get me? like leveling up. think of the happy as XP. ...you get the XP (rarely are there games where you loose that) it doesnt matter what the boss on level three does to your inventory... because your XP is unaffected.
i dunno...
now i know i am rambling
so back to the post
"i know its funny but" OH MAN do i GET you on this. let me tell you.
I have recently installed a "witness" in my psyche, and all his job is, you guessed it. is to witness. and it SOOO works. i had a problem with road rage (road temper... but who's counting) someone would cut me off, and i would just reel off into this place where i had so much fun pointing out the terrible things that this person just set in my lap... and indeed the lap OF THE WORLD my friend. and that could go on to shape the rest of my day. but now that i have a witness. the person cuts me off... i feel the hate and bile rise in my soul meter... then my voice speaks to me from the back of my head. "wow, look at you getting angry at this guy." (i like my witness to be enthused with what he see's) and POP instantly my rational mind sweeps in and laughs at the me that was getting angry... "wow buck-o you were about to start spewing evil hate death lasers out of your mouth face eyes at this cat, for doing something mildly foolish that you, as a good driver, were able to see and recognize the thing they were doing, and then avoid hitting them. can you believe this...?"
and while i have still had some anger in my car... i haven't once let it follow me around the rest of the day.
I'll leave you to draw whatever moral or "advice" i was trying to give you.
sorry it was a little long in the tooth but i read so much of myself in your post that i just had to "put it out there"
one last quote to stroke my own ego though. (as it is something i said to myself)
"Memory is happening as you think it. But it's all perfect, so you change nothing."
Hi Bob, and thanks for the advice even though I never met you before in my life. That's quite refreshing on my blog.
Just to explain a bit more, I don't block off ALL Happy feelings. That was just be really sad and I'd be the equivalent of a Vulcan. Only the ones that I know will have a big potential to make me feel crappy later on. As per your example, assuming I have a great love for apples and someone offers me an apple, I'm not going to decline the apple just because I know I will finish it and have just a core left. Because that does not leave any negative feelings, I know I won't end up feeling like crap because I just finished eating my favourite fruit and there's nothing left. So I wouldn't reject that feeling because I know it would not have an impact on me later on. Hence, I can still enjoy all the things I enjoy doing.
Your suggestion to relish in my pain is something I don't quite get at the moment, as I don't see how can possibly relish in the feeling of being crappy. I am perfectly capable of allowing myself to feel crappy without resorting to alcohol, drugs or other ways of distracting myself, but I certainly don't enjoy it. It's just more like going through the motions, and just waiting for myself to come out of it.
On your last note, it's great that you have your own mental method of dealing with your road rage. I suppose my way of visualizing myself as two characters kept me mostly sane, and now that it's reduced to one, well, having one female in the house is always easier than two. I'm sure any guy can attest to that. ^_^
I think i muddled my point about pain and pleasure. Pain is simply a thing to be felt (more imagined, in this case but, comparable all the same)As is pleasure. they are both just a sensory input.
its like the old saying "the glass is half empty or half full" and it's supposed to tell you if you are an optimist or a pessimist. It wasn't until very recently that i realized what was happening here. You have a glass with fluid in it. then some chose to reduce the available possibility's to one. "The glass is half full because it is clearly not half empty." ...am i making sense? (its kind of a building upon the "yin & yang" theory) If you can remain neutral for both negative and positive you will be able to see all possibility's. That's what i was getting at with the zen. (also it is useful to confuse the mental framework (ego) by finding reasons to be happy during sad points, as the goal is to approach neutral. as spending too much time being either positive or negative, can be a detriment.
I guess the point is just remain neutral and don't be too happy or sad
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