Two options

So my last post (which was also about a rare emo status update on FB) is one of those few ones where I look back in hindsight and be a bit annoyed at myself for letting that one slip. It doesn't take a genius to know that the reason behind that was because of a guy, and that would also be the same guy I was talking about a couple of posts back about butterflies and stuff. (Which also makes me think how boring my life must be that I only seem to be posting about this).

So today I'm writing in a state of mind that is not fogged up by either the happy high of lurve, or the emo feeling of shit. I'm writing this in almost like a third person perspective looking at myself, and being amused at how after all these years, a 'crush' has the same effect on my emotions as it does when I was a teenager. And the thought processes are also the same as it would of a typical female teen. Happy when he's paying attention to me, but as soon as I get the feeling that he's lost interest, that happy high turns into a sucky low, resulting in the posting of vague Facebook post with hidden meanings. And as a typical female, I also overanalyze the situation. For example, when he's been chatting me regularly over the past few days, then for a couple of days he doesn't say anything. Then I start wondering if there's something I said in our last conversation that turned him off or made him lose interest. And I don't wanna start the chat coz' the past couple of chats I'm the one who starts the conversation first, and I don't wanna seem desperate. But he's STILL not buzzing me, even though HE's was the one who kinda started it overall. So I'm waiting in agony wondering what's going on while another part of me is screaming at agonized me and telling me to stop being an idiot, and if I wanna talk to the guy, JUST DO IT. But then I don't wanna do it coz' I still wanna seem desperate. Yadda yadda yadda blablabla.

And this is why crushes annoy me. I'm much more emotionally stable when I'm not having a crush. Seriously. And I'm still trying to discover if there's some sort of switch I can internally press to deactivate this emotional roller coaster I go through. So far I figure, there's only two ways to resolve this, which is either get a guy and be happy ever after (with of course all the minor shat in between that is normal of relationships) OR get a guy, have a whirlwind romance that ends in a trainwreck relationship which will effectively put me off from wanting to be in a relationship ever again. Obviously option 1 is preferable, but you know, option 2 is really not that bad once you think about it. I mean, I do enjoy the freedom of being single as well, and most times, this nagging desire for lifelong human companionship just seems more like a drag than anything. And yeah, such desire is only normal human behaviour, but at this point in my life of too many misses, I almost relish the idea being as emotionless as a Vulcan.

In the meantime, my current target and are still regularly chatting which makes me happy coz' it means I didn't say anything stupid to put him off after all. Yay!

Here I go again...