Dealing with disappointment

So today is Day 2 of emotional derailment. Today actually wasn't all that bad. There were times when I got really sad, and I try to analyze all the stuff he told me and why he said this or that, then I get angry at myself for still thinking about something which I know I should let go of since I know it's already a lost cause. But for the most part, I'm more emotionally stable than I expected to be. By the weekend, I should be pretty much back to normal.

I was thinking, in addition to recent events, and in the context of many events in my life, I don't know how it is for most people, but I realized I get disappointed so often in so many different areas of my life, that I come to expect it.

I'm disappointed with guys who I get too close to, and when they learn I'm interested, they tell me that they just wanna be friends, but then promptly disappear out of my life.

I've been disappointed with my mum for years, as everytime I do something I think is good, like helping out at church or helping out people I think need it, she has constantly discouraged me. Plus she had never encouraged me in pretty much anything that I do. This is why I no longer tell her anything about my life, because I've come to expect nothing but negative comments from her. I get disappointed whenever we go out for family events, and she tends to start an argument with someone whether it be my dad, or another relative, or even me, about a ridulously small issue, and said event which is supposed to be something happy, ends up being miserable.

I'm disappointed in my church members. Not all of them, as I have several friends whom I know from church whom I am very close with. But the ones I'm close to are all those who have left the church to go overseas, go to other churches, or do not go regularly, etc. The ones who are still religiously go to my church every week, actually those are the ones I'm disappointed in, because I realized that the majority of them really don't give a damn about my life. I have not been in a cell group for more than a year now. In the time that I decided to disappear from cell til now, after more than 7 years of going to that church, not one of them has asked me why I no longer attend, not even my cell group leader. These same church goers religiously attending every week don't even bother about anything I say on Facebook, and I think almost half my friends listed there are from church. Well, I know Facebook isn't the best place to keep in actual contact with people and for the most part I don't really care if certain people on FB are completely quiet, as most of the people I know there hardly use the site. But I do consider it a pretty good way to keep updated on what other people are doing or thinking about. And everytime I post something, even something sad going on in my life, I get comments from other friends, EXCEPT those regulars at my church, even though I know for a fact that many of them are active on FB and obviously see what I post. I just find it extremely strange that the people who are supposed to care the most about what's happening in my life, don't actually seem to give a hoot. They post to each other though, just not me. Not big wonder that these days I no longer feel like going to that church. Or any church in particular, because...

I'm disappointed with God. For me, He's just not there. I pray and get nothing. I ask and get nothing, except maybe a parking lot, or finding something that I lost. The small stuff. But when it comes to what's really important to me, nothing ever happens. Sad to say, I've also stopped praying, and this was not an easy decision. I tried for years to keep at it and persevere in faith and all that bla, feeling guilty everytime I fail. But I just got tired of trying and getting nothing. Sometimes I complain aloud and ask God if He's there, but not unexpectedly, I don't get an answer. I still believe in God as a creator. But nowadays, I just have trouble believing in the concept that He actually cares. I prefer to think that He created everything than left us to our own devices. Coz' otherwise I keep wondering why God allows all this bad stuff to happen to me, and I get angry at Him. And no longer have the energy to be angry at Him, so I choose to pretend He does not exist. So all my anger can only be channeled at myself. And I can deal with myself, coz' if I think I'm being stupid or not doing something right, at least I can try to work to change myself.

Well, it's not all that bad. I appreciate that I still have some good friends, and my father is a pretty cool guy in most ways, and I get along with my brothers. I have a good job, with good colleagues and manager, for which I am thankful. So I can't say that everything in my life is sad. But I still wonder why I experience so much.... disappointment.

I guess one reason is probably having too much expectatations or desires which are not met, in which case I could go the way of Buddha and train myself to remove all desire and expectations in order to achieve lasting happiness. I'm actually reading up on Buddhist teachings for that reason...not interested in the idol worship stuff though. That's just nonsense.

Another reason could be that I'm just a screwed up person in general, which is why I have bad luck with guys, church members ignore me, and God ignores me coz' I choose to ignore him. Perhaps if I actually started caring more about people, then all this stuff wouldn't happen... but I don't think my indifferent character is much worse than the average person, and yet people with similar character live less disappointing lives.

I must apologize again for all the depressing verbal diarrhea I've been spewing out on this blog. But hey, people, be glad for it, coz' you know when you meet me in person, I can easily be my jolly self, since I already have an outlet and you don't need to hear this stuff from me and get uncomfortable.