Lessons on how NOT to impress a girl

There a guy's at my company, but from a different project, whom I suspect has a thing for me. Of course, I can't be totally sure as he hasn't really come out and said that he has a thing for me, and there is always the possibility that I am wrong. But when a guy does stuff like sms-ing or calling me more frequently than most people would, just to ask me stuff that I have already informed through email or talk about nonsense in general, OR asks for my MSN messenger id to chat about frivolous things, OR is the first to volunteer to help me carry stuff from a costume shop... then I don't think it's unreasonable to suspect he has a thing for me.

If the costume shop part didn't give it away, this guy, whom I suspect has a thing for me, was actually on the same performance team as me for my company's annual dinner and dance, which was on last Friday night. He got the dubious honour of playing Puss-in-Boots/Horatio Caine in our CSI Fairyland skit. I decided not to wear spaghetti straps and a mini skirt, and instead went for my favourite sparkly red dress, for my Fairy Hotmother role. We all had to rent parts of our costumes though, and there's this nice little shop called Costume World in Bandar Utama where I got my wings, wand and crown, and he got a pretty cool looking swashbuckling kind of costume.

Anyway, I've only known this guy for a couple of months at most, and I don't see him often, so I don't know much about him and am not much interested in him, though he *seems* nice. Perhaps if I had met him 3 years ago, I would've been all excited about meeting a rather nice guy who seems interested in me. Unfortunately, I've learned that nice guys aren't always all they're cracked up to be... so I've become a lot more wary. Which is good. Coz' if this guy really is interested in me and is trying to capture my attention, he's done it in the wrong-est ways possible... All guys out there, please take heed, as I present to you, several ways on how NOT to impress the girl you like... based upon the true life story of this guy whom I suspect has a thing for me:


Lesson #1: You will NOT impress a girl by being abnormally BLUR
Being blur because you don't know, hear or read up on latest events is still acceptable. Being blur about something that is blatantly obvious to the whole world is just plain dumb.

For example, when you are with a group of fellow colleagues practicing for a performance and you are in charge of ordering pizza for dinner and someone asks to add chicken wings, while you are making your call to Dominoes, DO NOT ask the person on the other end a question like this:

"The chicken is chicken, ah?"

You will only induce uproarious laughter from your fellow colleagues, and people like me will say "Yes, the chicken is chicken. The chicken is not pizza."

Another example, if the girl you like has put the following personal message on her MSN messenger "My life flashed before my eyes! Well, not really...", DO NOT go and ask her something like this:

"Whoa! What flashed?"

You will only cause the girl you like to stare at her computer screen for several seconds, wondering how on earth she should answer such a question. She will contemplate pointing out your dumbness by replying "Errr... my life?" But if she is nice like me, she will merely explain that she nearly got into a car accident while coming back from lunch that day.

But still, abnormal blurness can be somewhat acceptable since the girl you like would enjoy getting good laughs... at your expense, of course. So this lesson is not as important as....


Lesson #2: You will NOT impress a girl by asking her if her dress will be SEXY
When chatting with the girl you on online about your costumes for an upcoming performances and she happens to tell you that she will be wearing a red dress, even though her role call for a 'hot' costume, DO NOT ask her this:

"Sexy ah? Hehe"

You will, again, cause the girl to stare at the screen and wonder how to answer such a question. And not only that, but she will most likely start to think that you are some sort of 'buaya'. You do not want to give that sort of impression to a girl.

But considering my role did call for a relatively hot dress, I shall give him the benefit of the doubt and assume his intentions were not 'buaya'-ish. So this lesson is not as important as....


Lesson #3: You will NOT impress a girl by being 2 hours LATE for a stupid reason
If you are the main character in a skit and you are supposed to be having a skit practice at 9.50am with your teammates on a Saturday when everyone else would rather be either sleeping or doing something more fun than meeting at KLCC office for a practice, DO NOT be 2 hours late for the practice, resulting in everyone else not being able to do anything for 2 hours because YOU are the main character.

IF you must be late, at least let it be because of a good reason. Examples of good reasons are... Your relative died. Your dog died. Your pants caught fire and your rear-end now has third degree burns. Example of a stupid reason to be late: Deciding to send your car for servicing on that morning. In case you did not know, at least half a day should be allocated for car servicing. As good as your mechanic is, I doubt he is Superman and moves faster than a speeding bullet.

It is also not impressive when you call up the girl you like at 9.40am (just when she has reached KLCC) to ask her to inform the group that you will be late...because you stupidly decided to service your car.

It is also not impressive when you tell her that you will only reach there at 10.30am... but at 10.30am, you are still not there. And you don't even bother to call back to update the group... so we have to call you from the office, only to find out that you are STILL at the workshop.

It is ALSO not impressive when we call you again at 11.30am, you finally say that you have left the workshop, and then ten seconds later you sms the girl you like just to tell her you are on the way when obviously she already knows. She will either not reply to you, OR send a reply that will be quite unpleasant. If the girl is nice like me, she will just do the former.

This is a very important lesson. However, this lesson is STILL not as important as....


Lesson #4: You will NOT impress a girl by dumping your stuff on her and expecting her to act like your mother.
If you are at the annual company dinner that you have been practicising so hard for, and you ask the girl you like to let you put your stuff (wallet, car keys, house keys and handphone) into her handbag because for God knows what reason, the pants you are wearing do not have large enough pockets (how you carry your stuff at other times remains a mystery)...DO NOT disappear somewhere into the crowd at the end of dinner when the girl you like needs to rush off and is looking to give you back your stuff.

It is also not impressive when she finally does find you among the crowd of a gazillion people, when she has given you back you wallet, car keys and house keys, and she is holding your handphone out for you to take it, you almost run off back into the jumping and screaming crowd of people enjoying an after-dinner dance session, forgetting your handphone. So she has to yell out at you to take your handphone. Forgetting the stuff that you dumped onto the girl you like is not impressive.

What is even MORE not impressive is when the girl you like paid the deposit for the costume you are wearing, and when she asks it back from you so she can get back her deposit from the shop, you are in such a rush to join the dance, you quickly take off the costume and quite literally throw everything into her hands before running off to join the crowd of jumping, screaming people. Usually, it would be more impressive to nicely fold the costume, help take it back to the table where you sat and put it into the costume shop bag. It would be even more impressive if you helped the girl you like to carry the four bags of costumes to the car, considering she also has a laptop bag, a knapsack and her handbag to carry with her. Just a thought.

And last, but not least, it is NOT impressive when the girl you like carries the costume you threw at her back to the table, only to find that you decided to keep your shirt and mp3 player in the costume bag. This will result in the girl you like wondering for a split second if she should tell you to take your most-likely-to-be-expensive mp3 player for safekeeping... but when she realises she has to hunt you down in the crowd of jumping, screaming people, she decides to just dump your shirt and mp3 player on a chair, take the costumes and leave. If she is nice like me, she will cover the mp3 player with your smelly shirt so there is less chance of someone else stealing it. Whether or not you remember to take your stuff, the girl you like wouldn't really care much at that point. Especially after the costume throwing incident. I might be able to tolerate such behavior if I was your pushover girlfriend. Or your mother. But I'm not your girlfriend. I'm not a pushover. And I'm definitely NOT your mother!


And that is the end of my lesson for today. Needless to say, I highly doubt I will be interested in this guy anytime within this century.