A couple of months back, I had an interesting conversation about our BGR relationships with a couple of guy friends at a mamak. So interesting that I was inspired enough to want to write a song or poem about it... something which I haven't done in 3 years. I suspect that once I became another drone in the big mundane working world, whatever poetic juices left in me were sucked dry. And due to this, and also because I was exceedingly busy with Easter play and other things in between, I didn't really have much time to sit down and think about how to write this thing... and whatever I did write came out sounding like the lyrics of a super emo country song. I think I've written more than enough emo stuff in my youth to last me a lifetime, so now I've decided to scrap the idea of going back down the route of emo poetry and write a blog post instead.
The name of the two guys involved in this conservation have been changed to Joe and Ed to protect their identities, save them from potential embarrassment and to prevent them from killing me for writing this. Of course, I can't remember all the details, so forgive me guys, if I misquote something, but basically went something like this:
Me: So tell me, Joe, how many frivolous crushes have you had in your lifetime?
Joe: Em....none.
Me: What?? Oh c'mon, I know you had at least one!
Joe: That wasn't a frivolous crush! She was...and is still... someone I really care about...
Me: Still is? Wait a minute... we are talking about the same girl right?
Joe: Yeessss....
Me: *Gawks* (because I've known this guy for at least 5 years, and he started liking this girl probably more than 5 years ago. And to find out that he still likes her now is mind-boggling!)
Ed: But she's getting married!
Joe: I know!!
Me: *Gawks even more*
Joe: I've tried to move on, but couldn't...
Me: There's so many girls out there who would love to go out with you, man. And it's been so long!
Joe: I know! Just that no one else I've met can compare to her. She really made an impact on my life and taught me a lot of things...(goes on to explain what a fantastic person she is). *Sigh* I know it's silly that I haven't moved on. I've told some other friends about it before, and they called me a fool for not getting over her.
Me: Well I dunno... isn't it even more foolish to have many 'frivolous crushes' and getting into bad relationships because of it?
Joe: But that's normal foolishness! Mine isn't!
Ed: Well, I haven't had any 'frivolous crushes' either, but I have liked 3 girls before, also because they made an impact on my life (goes on to tell who one of the girls is, which turns out to be someone quite a few guys have a thing for). But even though I liked them, I knew I couldn't be with them, so I just had to get over it.
Me: How did you just 'know' you couldn't be with them?
Ed: First thing I asked myself is - Can I provide for them? And I knew that I couldn't, so I just let it go.
Me: Well, Joe would have no problem providing for this girl he likes. He's got a pretty good job going for him.
Ed: I'm not talking about providing financially, but providing emotionally and being there for her.
Me: Oh...
And the conversation from that point on totally slips my mind. But what I do remember here really got me thinking (after I got over the shock that Joe still likes the same girl after more than 5 years).
Like when I asked Joe which was more foolish... having so many crushes on different people and ending up in bad relationships, OR liking (or dare I say, loving?) a girl for so long and even when you know you can't ever have her, you still can't let go. I suppose from Joe's perspective, the latter is more foolish coz' it's all he's experienced. The longest I've ever been interested in one guy was 2 years, which is already a long enough time to figure out that that person probably isn't going to be interested in you, like, ever (there are some rare exceptions, of course!). Liking the same person for over 5 years and even knowing the person is about to get hitched...well, I imagine that would be sheer torture. AND foolish in a way... but hoping for a great relationship that will probably never happen is, in my humble opinion and experience, still better than being impatient and getting into a not-so-good relationship and hoping that it will turn out great. Coz' usually it doesn't. And you end up regretting stuff and getting hurt and wishing you hadn't been so impatient. Which really sucks. Big time. So even though this is the more 'common' scenario for a lot of people, doesn't make it any less foolish.
So take heart, Joe, I don't think you're half as foolish as the rest of us impatient people. And the girly side of me thinks it's rather sweet and romantic that you still like her after so long... though the more realistic side of me wants to shake some sense into you and yell "Get over her NOW and move on with your life!!!!". Bygones.
The other thing that got me thinking was what Ed said about asking yourself if you can provide emotionally for the person you like... and if not, you should just let it go. The thing is... if you don't think you can provide emotionally for this person, then who can you provide for? Whoever you get into a relationship with, you need to be there for them emotionally (and in other ways too), unless that person has the emotionally capacity of a rock. Which is highly unlikely for most girls. Most girls need emotional support from their guy, so if you think you can't be all there for one girl, what about the next one you are interested in? Does that mean you won't be with a girl until you work out how to increase your emotional capacity? :P
Perhaps I didn't really get what Ed meant by this, but I have a suspicion that there is another, more important reason he decided to give up liking these girls.... which is maybe coz' he thinks he's not good enough for them. Which is more understandable, to me, anyway. The one girl he told me about is liked by several guys for good reasons. Very talented. Very friendly. Good leader. And not too bad on the eyes. If I were him, I'd probably feel I don't deserve someone like that too. Which is also a sucky feeling. It sucks to see a lot of good in someone and really like that person for all those good qualities, and then realize you're nowhere near as great as the person that you like, and you think that person deserves someone much better than you. Ouch. And so because you want that person to be happy, you decide to not pursue the relationship and hope that the person finds someone much better. Double ouch. Logically speaking, I know love doesn't work that way. There's no caste system in love, where if two people are not equally talented / smart / etc... they should not be together. But sometimes it is pretty hard not to feel that way.
But anyhow, everyone has their own sob stories to tell when it comes to relationships. One thing I've learned that sort of helps me, and probably would help Joe, and maybe Ed, if you guys ever get round to reading this (you know who you are!)... is just pray for the person that you like. As tempting as it is, refrain from praying that the person will like you back, coz' that just gives you false hopes. But pray that they will have a good day, or if they're having problems, pray that they will overcome it, and stuff like that. And if you're like me, you will end up remembering to pray for other people as well, coz' you know... it's not fair to channel all your prayers to just that one person, right? It's makes a pretty good reminder for me to pray for the other people I care about... and somehow or another, after I'm done praying, I remember that there are way more important things in life than my 'obsession' with that one person.
Ah yes, sob love stories make for good emo country song lyrics. Bleh.
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