I'm not old enough to have a mid-life crisis. I can't say I'm having a quarter life crisis coz' I'm almost 25 and I highly doubt I will live til I'm 100. I quite possibly will live until 75. So here I am in one of those annoying periods of dramatic self-doubt, which I shall term my one-third life crisis. Well, it's not that dramatic actually... I'm far from wallowing in deep hole of depression. Just that I'm feeling rather blah coz' I feel like I don't really know where my life is going. And sometimes it's just fun to be a drama queen.
Biggest issue right now is my job. I spent the past almost one month learning Java programming because my company needs more people with technical skills. I am the kind of person whom whenever my comp gives me problems, I press the 3 magical buttons: Ctrl, Alt, Delete and use Task Manager to close whatever program is giving me issues. If comp hangs, I shut the whole dang thing down and restart. So technical things really are not my forté. But I did know from the day I joined that most of Accenture's projects are very technical... and when they asked me if I was willing to learn some technical skills, I said yes coz' I thought I would be able to pick it up. In the first couple of weeks, I had this little cheerleader voice in my head, saying "You can do it, Carol! You can learn this stuff down pat! Go go go!!!". And now all that I'm hearing from the prissy cheerleader voice is "You are, like, sooOOOoo screwed!". *Sigh* I might be able to pick up programming if I had more time to study and understand what I'm doing, and if I had a nice big book called "Java Programming for Dummies" plus at least 5 different coloured highlighters to colour code the important sections. But unfortunately, I'm not in college or uni anymore. I don't have the luxury of time to prettify an entire text book with 5 different highlighters. My current project is slated to end in one month... I was supposed to use my so-called technical skills to get the system we're working on going. But it takes me forever to figure out how to write a simple program, I don't get most of the technical concepts that I read up on, and the more I read, the more confused I get. I think that my brain just isn't hardwired to do technical stuff. I like dealing with things I can see. Even better if I can touch. That's why I loved biology, coz' everything I have to deal with is physical. Chemistry is pretty fun too... nothing quite beats being able to make blue fire shoot out of a water cooler bottle! Even artsy stuff like drawing or making crafts is fun for me. With programming, the concepts are all completely abstract. I can't see how the Java code I write produces something that looks completely different on screen... so I just don't get it. Far as I'm concerned, Java code goes into some magical computer limboland which miraculously converts it into some cool looking program thingy.
What makes it more exasperating is that my more technically savvy colleagues were supposed to be helping me, but they don't really much help and I don't like asking them. For one thing, they are usually pretty busy, and I don't like being the blurcase going and bugging them every ten seconds asking them questions and distracting them from their work. For another thing, when I do ask them, they seem totally dumbfounded when I don't even know the 'simplest' of things. Meaning, these things are simple to them coz' they studied IT and these are obvious things to them... but for someone like me who only knows CTRL-ALT-DEL when I have problems with my comp, these things are not obvious. But I feel pretty dumb asking them such things. And even when they do explain it to me... most of the time, I don't really get their explanation either. So I still end up feeling dumb. And not only do I feel dumb, but I also feel useless, coz' I can't do the technical work at I'm supposed to do. The only thing that makes me feel better is that I have another female colleague, Kumuda, in my project who joined Accenture around the same time as me and is also from a Biotech, non-technical background. And she is going through exactly the same problem as me... feeling dumb, useless and crappy, trying to learn technical stuff but not getting it. We actually make ourselves feel better by talking about DNA, gene transcription, polymerases, electrophoresis, and other Biotech jargon which WE understand, but our colleagues and most other non-biology loving geeks wouldn't understand... with the possible exception of Shaun coz' he knows just about everything and if he doesn't, will go and Google/Wiki it just to find out what it. I imagine he will be able to tell me what are polymerases and electrophoresis by the end of today, but I wouldn't be surprised if he already knows... :) But anyway, Kumuda and I even fantasize about us running a Biotech company where all our colleagues would be working under us, and they don't know a thing about Biotech. So whenever they ask us anything that is like so 'duh' to us, we can make them feel stupid. Ha. ha. haaaaaa... How nice if fantasies came true. Fortunately, my project manager realised the two of us were struggling like a couple of fish out of water, so yesterday he told us that we now are back to doing non-technical things. Which is a relief for now, coz' at least I don't have to feel so dumb and useless anymore... but still, seeing how Accenture's main business is technological business solutions, I know if I want to move up in this company, I have to learn technical skills eventually.
Which is has lead me to ask myself... do I really want to spend more time trying to move up in this company? And every fibre of my being is yelling a resounding "NOOO!!" As crazy as most people might think it is... that I would want to leave Accenture, where I'm getting paid an insane salary compared to my peers, and I get to work with the best and brightest people. But this nice, comfy, corporate job... is totally not me. In fact, it's exactly the kind of thing I once swore to myself I wouldn't do... but I ended up here anyway, just coz' it's a secure job in a nice, big established company and it my parents are happy coz' I have an insanely good salary. But doing little else other than sitting and tapping away at my laptop all day long at my little office cubicle is completely boring and unfulfilling to me. I miss being able to travel out of the office most of the time, like in my old job, or getting out into the field and getting my wellington boots stuck in mangrove swamps like I did while I did on my uni field trips. So I'm pretty sure right now that I'm gonna move on to another job soon. And this time, I'm definitely getting back into my first love, biology! I'm aiming for an environmental consulting job... where I would need to do some research, but I won't have to stuck in a lab all day (which is one reason why I was afraid of research jobs in the first place) coz' going out into the field is part of the job. I didn't know any big environmental consulting firms before this, but thanks to Chi Hui who got me in touch with some friends in the field, I know where to check out now. Thank yooouuu, Chiiii Huuiiiii!!!
Ok, enough ranting about work. Onto my next one-third-life crisis issue. My spiritual life.
Couple of weeks ago, I was teaching my Sunday School kid the story of Mary and Martha. We all know the story... Mary was the one who sat at the feet of Jesus to listen to Him while Martha was busying herself around the house serving Jesus and the guests. And Martha was annoyed that Mary wasn't helping her, but Jesus said that Mary was doing the right thing by taking the time to listen to him. The moral of the story is of course that listening to Jesus, or God, is more important than serving Him. And teaching this story struck a chord in me... coz' I think I'm more of a Martha than a Mary. I spend a lot of time serving... I play guitar in the worship ministry and cell group, I teach Sunday School, I'm involved in church performances... but I don't really take the time to take a break and just pray and listen to God.
I guess I'm the sort of person who just likes to keep doing stuff... and in some ways serving God is my way of giving something back to Him... but I know that serving is pretty useless if I don't get to know the one I'm spending my time and energy on. I lack the patience and attention span to sit down and pray and just be still and listen for whatever He might wanna say. Most of the time, it's just me saying "Hi God!" then ranting on about my day or my thoughts or my problems, then I spent a couple of seconds trying to listen before my brain drifts off into lalaland. Or maybe it's just that sometimes I don't really want to hear what He wants to say coz' I'm afraid it's something I won't want to hear. Like if I pray about whether I should stay or switch jobs, I wonder if He'll tell me to drop everything and go serve people in Indonesia, or something like that. Yes, I know. Bad of me. Baaaaaad Carol. Should listen to God already and not be so selfish!
So I don't know if taking a break from serving will actually help me to focus more on Him... but I think now would be a good time to give it a shot. Sometimes it is pretty hard to worship when I'm busy focusing on playing the right chords for a song. Especially those crazy fast songs which are in E, and therefore are full of tiring-to-play bar chords. They're fun to play, but distracting from the real purpose of worship... so I'm looking into working out a one month break from the worship team and Sunday School... and anything else I'm in, after I'm done with Easter play, which is end of next month. And then one weekend I might up and go somewhere nice and peaceful without any computers or comfy bed or other distractions, so I can a good long alone time with Him. Might hear a few things I might not wanna hear though... but will have to deal with that sooner or later. Sounds like a plan.
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