Yet another Bold and Beautiful dramatic episode...

Man, I dunno what has been going these past few weeks, but I've been getting into so many conflicts with people around me, I think I if I had another one soon I might end up admitting myself into tanjung rambutan to prevent a nervous breakdown. Some time ago, it with my colleagues but now that's ok. Then it was with my bf, and now that's ok. Then just a few days ago, it was my mum, and now it seems ok but can't really be sure. Then a couple of nights ago, an online discussion about our faith with my bro turned into another great big misunderstanding and now he's mad at me. I've never experienced so much emotional drama in such a short time, and I'm really getting sick of it.

I don't even know what the problem was this time coz' from how I see it, he was pointing out one extreme that Christians shouldn't follow, but many unfortunately do, which is the self-righteous "I-think-I'm-better-than-non-Christians" attitude. And I agreed with him that Christians shouldn't do that, but I pointed out that some Christians also go the other extreme of feeling so guilty all the time about all the bad stuff they've done, that they cannot accept that God can possibly forgive them, which is also the wrong attitude. And for some strange reason, he assumed I was disagreeing with his view and putting words in his mouth, which I wasn't. And one thing led to another... he kept asking me if I was implying things that I wasn't, and when I thought we had finally reached an agreement and I said let's move onto another topic, he thought I wanted to talk about something else because it's sooo hard for me to accept what he was saying... when all the time I kept saying I already agreed with him. Aaaargh! Good grief, it gives me a headache just thinking about it.

Of course, at that point, I'm so bugged that I said I would whack him if he was here, at which he promptly went offline. And then later on I find out that he thinks there is so much animosity between us that he doesn't feel he can talk to me. And he thinks I think he's such a terrible brother... which shocks me coz' I've never thought of him that way. For goodness sake, brothers and sisters argue all the time and say or do things they don't mean in the heat of the moment. And yeah, I have whacked him quite a lot before when he bugs me, but not to the point where I injure him so badly he can't use his limbs or anything like that. But it never meant that I actually hated him. After every argument, I'd cool down and just forgive and forget, and I thought things were ok between us. But now suddenly I hear all these funny things coming out, and I'm left wondering again if I really behave so badly that my own family can think that I hate them, or it's them who is overly sensitive and interpreting my actions the wrong way. My mum has said it. Now my bro says it. Right now, the only person who hasn't misunderstood me or thinks that I hate him is my dad, and he's the one I think I usually pick on the most. I know it was really bad of me, but I have gotten annoyed with him plenty of times and even misunderstood his actions too, but he takes it all in his stride and I don't think he believes I hate him or anything, which of course I don't. For me, I always thought it's quite normal for family members to argue, disagree and say dumb things every now and then... and I also always that the normal thing to do is just let it slide, forgive and forget and not hold grudges against each other. I dunno why some of my family people interpret the things I do to mean I hate them, when I've never said anything of the sort to them. *Sigh*

Obviously I haven't been the model daughter or sister all my life and I know it. I've made mistakes and hurt my family, sometimes not even realising that I hurt them that bad. And I really am sorry for it. At this point I'm thinking I must be seriously screwed up in some way that I keep on doing things that make the people around me think I hate them when I don't. I dunno why I keep doing it, but I do. And I'm so frustrated with myself that I think I understand why my mum acts the way she does now coz' I kinda feel like walling myself from everyone as well, just so I don't say or do things to hurt people anymore. But I haven't reached that extreme just yet, coz' the fact is that such conflicts with the people I care about are all part of life and as much as I hate having to deal with it, I can't just pack up and live on an island somewhere all alone. I have to deal with it and try to change for the better. Right now though, after so much drama going on in my life, I think throwing myself on an island somewhere for a few weeks so I can rest my brains for a while might not be such a bad idea. All this emotional drama can really zap my energy and make me a zombie at work. Anyone can sponsor me bus 3D 2n to Redang or Tioman? :P