My life as a loner

My parents have been away this whole week since last Tuesday, coz' they went to Macau on holiday. So I've been home alone with my animal entourage of gerbils and a dog to keep me company. They'll be back later today, but while they were gone, apart from enjoying the tube without worrying about my mum hogging it to watch Wah Lai Toi and enjoying my own cooking instead of the strange dishes my dad usually makes since he took over the kitchen from my mum (ok, sometimes I cooks quite well...key word is 'sometimes'), I've also been thinking about... myself. Well, I'm not that vain. To be more precise, thinking about my life, the way I am now, and all that.

The thing I've really been thinking about is how at ease I am with being alone. Which is not the same as being lonely, mind you. I mean just... being on my own. I am perfectly comfortable with it, and I have been that way for a very long time. I usually don't feel the need to hang out with friends or people, even when I am living alone like I have been this past week. The only time I had friends over was on Thursday when I went out for dinner with my colleagues and I invited them over to my house. But on every other day, I was quite happy being home alone, doing the chores, watching tv and surfing the net. And since my college and uni days, I had lots of friends, but no one I was particularly close to that I HAD to be with all the time. I had no 'gang' or 'clique' of friends that I would always make an effort to hang out with. Mostly, whenever I went out for lunch or walked anywhere, if I happened to see someone along the way that I knew, I'd just join them and make the usual small talk with them. And if I didn't see anybody I knew, then I was just fine doing stuff on my own.

But I know a lot of people who just can't stand being alone. People who just have to hang out with friends all the time. People who can't even have a meal on their own, but absolutely must have some company. Good grief, back in school, there were even the girls who couldn't go to the toilet on their own! Scared of 'hantu' or what, I dunno lah, but whenever one of my friends bugged me to go with them to the toilet, I'd always give them the 'one kind' funny look that said "Get off my case and go find another toilet buddy, you freako". Ok, ok, not that bad lah. Sometimes I would reluctantly join them on their toilet trips. But anyway, the bottom line is... I'm not anything like these people at all, and sometimes I wonder if that makes me the freako.

I mean, some people, or dare I say MOST people, when they're alone too much, they feel lonely and maybe even get depressed. And when I was in my teens, I did get somewhat depressed. But nowadays, I can't remember the last time I've gotten depressed or felt lonely. And though on one hand I think it's a good thing...on the other hand, it might not be. The good part is coz' I don't think it's good to be dependant on having people around me all the time in order to have some feeling of self-worth. As my dear church friend, Aunty Jolene pointed out to me once, she said that I'm a confident person, which is why I don't get into any cliques. Which I guess is true, I am pretty confident of myself and who I am. Which is why not only do I have no desire to be identified with any particular 'gang', but I also have no desire to follow trends, or do what everyone else is doing just coz' it's the 'in' thing. Why on earth would I want to be a clone of somebody else? Why on earth should I try to behave like other people, or dress like other people, or buy the coolest and newest stuff just to be 'cool'? Far as I'm concerned, everyone has their own individuality and they should embrace it and enjoy it... not become like everybody else just to fit in. I like myself just the way I am... the way I dress and all. Yeah of course I'm far from who I would like to be ideally, but I don't wanna go try and be like anybody else either. And anybody who decides they don't like me just coz' I'm not hip and happening enough for them, well, I couldn't give a crap coz' there are plenty of people out there who do appreciate me for who I am.

But on the flipside, being a loner means I rarely make the effort to get to know people. And I'm not proud to say it, but I don't really seem to to care much about what's going on in the lives of the people I know. And I don't think that's a good thing. It's not like I don't want to care... I do want to... but I just don't. It's like, someone will tell me they have a problem, and I will listen and try to give advice or whatever, but as soon as I go off , their problems don't bug me and sometimes I just forget to keep them in my thoughts coz' I'm too busy living my own life.

I wish I could be one of those amazing folks who always make the time to be with people, and share their hearts and just really care about others. I mean, as a Christian, I'm supposed to be a light to the world and shine for the Lord so non-believers around me will see something different in me and hopefully be drawn to God. But I can't be a light to anybody if I just don't care about what is happening with other people. And even though I want to care, I just don't do it. I don't make the effort to do it, coz' I really can't be bothered. I've prayed about it, that I would become that 'better person', that caring person... but nada. Ok, maybe I didn't pray enough or something, coz' apparently sometimes we need to bug God a lot of times before He actually answers our prayers... and when He does answer it, it may not be the answer we want... or maybe deep down inside, even though I know what I should try to be that person, I actually don't wanna be coz' it's just too much effort, and perhaps, too much heartache. Coz' getting to know people better means having to share stuff with them about you... and sometimes you end up sharing the personal stuff... and sometimes this personal info gets misused, and there you have it. One big heartache.

Well, maybe one day I will somehow learn to care... and learn not to be afraid of getting hurt. That's one part of myself I do want to change. But for the most part, I love myself and my individuality and the fact that I don't need anybody else to make me feel better about myself. That part, I never want to change.