My biggest fear

There was a Youth Celebration recently at my church, where we got to listen to supposedly one of the hottest guys in Malaysia share his experiences with us. Joel (insert last name here, which I didn't bother to remember) is a young man in his 20's who already has a thriving dance studio business all over KL, was the Malaysian Dance Champion, the Malaysian Fitness champion and dunno what other champion in a lot of different dance and fitness competitions. Very impressive. What's even more impressive is how he shared with us that he got to be that successful not by lying or cheating or backstabbing others to get to the top... but by being the nicest guy around and showing genuine Christian love to the people around him. In a business world where countless people have told him that he will never get far because he is too caring and too trusting of others, he has proved them all wrong by having a business far better than most of them can dream of.
Joel shared a lot of good advice to us, but the one that struck closest to home for me was his advice to hold on to our Christian values as he did. It's easy to follow what everyone else does...to tell lies to gain an advantage...to swindle people of their money...to do whatever it takes to get more. And even though we might promise ourselves not to resort to such things when we start working, or even right now when we're studying...he says it will not be that easy to hold on to godly values when we start working coz' it's a whole different ball game. And I believe him totally, coz' I've heard enough stories of how tough working life can be (and I only have 2 years max before I have to start myself! Aaarrggh!!!).
The reason why this struck close to home is because I know exactly what he means when he says it's difficult to hold on to our convictions and practice what we preach once we're out there with people who'll pressure us to do the opposite of all that. And I know it requires great willpower to resist the temptations to just do what everyone else does, instead of doing what I know I should be doing even if it sucks.
And I know I severely lack such willpower.
So it's my biggest fear that anytime something comes along to challenge me to hold on to my values, I'll lose that challenge...coz' I've did it too many times already. There're certain things I definitely will not do coz' I'm not interested and no amount of peer pressure will make me do them...but there're certain things out of bounds which I like doing, and just a little nudge from someone is enough to make me throw my convictions to the wind. And I can't help feeling pathetic for it coz' I have such a weak character. Because of it, I have no idea what kind of stupid things I'll end up doing once I'm in the working world and maybe living away from my family in my own place. I cannot say that I will definitely NOT do the things I know are wrong, because I've said such things before and failed to live up to those words. I don't know how to stop myself from doing such things in the future. Heck, the biggest challenge isn't dealing what other people try to tell me to do...it's dealing with MYSELF.
Well, I've done plenty of self-bashing (don't worry, not anything physical), which I know won't help. I know there's no point in worrying about repeating my past... I need to learn from my past and remember those lessons so I don't make the same mistakes in the future. But damn, I know it won't be any easier. And I know plenty of other people go through similar struggles with character, many of which just decide to give up and do whatever they feel like. But I don't want to compare myself to other people and think that I've been doing better than them on most areas....God has set high standards for every believer and to flunk in one area is to flunk, period. And until I've proven to myself that I can resist the urge to 'flunk', there's going to be little niggles in my head saying "Carol, you flunked again! Aren't you better than that? C'mon! Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeeeeeh nyeh...."
Maybe some people will think I'm being stupid for setting my character standards so high for myself when I know it's exTAremely difficult to achieve those standards...after all nobody's perfect. But then again, if we Christians do not set the bars high for ourselves, what makes our characters any different from other people? How can we show genuine love to anybody and everybody? How can we show the world we are different in a good way because I'm doing it for Jesus, and He's worth doing it for?
Oh well, when it comes down to it, the same old inspirational speech applies...I just gotta keep on trying....:P