Fading dreams

I don't know what I'm doing. I know that if I just strive for it, I can do greater things than just wasting life away going with the flow and not making a difference. I used to have big dreams to want to help change the world... to help make the world a better place...Why did those dreams slowly die? Is it because the world's problems seem too overwhelming? I read in the papers about the murders and injustice and other crappy stuff happening in the world, and instead of thinking that I need to stand up and try and make things better like so many other admirable people have done...I've allowed myself to resign to thinking that this is life, so just accept it...When I see a problem in my home, I just feel like moving out to be alone. When I see a problem among my friends, I feel like I want to meet new people to hang with. When I see another problem in my spiritual life, I'm just too tired to really try and fix it. When I see a problem in my country, I want to run away to another one. Is this the best I can do? Run away from the problems without even trying to help fix them?? Isn't this what most people do anyway??? Why do I have to do what everyone else does, when I know the only way to improve things is to stick around and try to fix the problems? I know I can be better than this...I know everyone can be better than this. It's just too easy to do what I feel like doing instead of what I know I need to do....and it annoys me that I'm not willing to work my butt a bit more coz' I don't wanna get out of my comfort zone. The thought of living my whole life just for myself and not to make a good difference in other people's lives just freaks me out as well....I think at my funeral I would rather be remembered for being just a good friend and blessing to people, instead of for my academic accomplishments or financial accomplishments or other stupid material things people don't care about unless they get to enjoy it themselves. But I'm not making that effort to be with people...to know people...because I'm just too much of a lazy, selfish bum who'd rather do my own thing. And maybe because I don't like inconveniencing people to hang out with me, which when you're super busy with 10 billion uni assignments, would be a considered a waste of valuable time. Perhaps this is one of the biggests problems in the modern world...people are so caught up doing their work and making money, while kids are so busy studying, that no one bothers to make time for each other. As a result, we're all getting healthier and more knowledgable, and living longer, and getting more technologically advanced...but every one of the 6 billion people on the planet can still feel lonely. What's the point?
I don't want to be one of them. Running around like ants all their lives, trying to get the things they want and need, and forgetting what really matters in life...the people. But I still see myself slowly becoming like that. Perhaps it's the Chinese mentality that money matter more than anything else, and we always gotta be busy, busy, busy...but that's really a pathetic excuse. If I really wanted to, I change myself. Anybody can change themselves. And I can't blame my 'go-with-the-flow' mentality on anything else except on my own lazy-bumness and lack of will. It annoys me.
Maybe it's because I think too far ahead, and expect so much of myself that I just don't know where to start. Maybe I need to remember that I can't change the whole world for the better in a day, but I can start at home and among the people I know. Maybe I constantly need to remind myself that it's the little things I do that really make a difference, not necessarily the big things that everyone notices. Little things like being a considerate drivers when most other drivers act like they own the roads. Things like talking to the new person in a place where everyone else is too busy with their own cliches. Things like holding my tongue when all I want to do is lash out in anger.
It's tough to try and make a difference...something I've learned over the years. It's depressing when I feel I just can't do anything much. It's annoying when I know I'm becoming the person I never wanted to become. And most times I just want to give up trying and be like everyone else and join the silly rat race. Most times. But sometimes, I take a good look at myself, ramble a lot of nonsense like this and say to myself, "Hell, no matter what, I'll still keep on trying to work to my dream of being that better person." This is one of those times. God help me!