Fading dreams

I don't know what I'm doing. I know that if I just strive for it, I can do greater things than just wasting life away going with the flow and not making a difference. I used to have big dreams to want to help change the world... to help make the world a better place...Why did those dreams slowly die? Is it because the world's problems seem too overwhelming? I read in the papers about the murders and injustice and other crappy stuff happening in the world, and instead of thinking that I need to stand up and try and make things better like so many other admirable people have done...I've allowed myself to resign to thinking that this is life, so just accept it...When I see a problem in my home, I just feel like moving out to be alone. When I see a problem among my friends, I feel like I want to meet new people to hang with. When I see another problem in my spiritual life, I'm just too tired to really try and fix it. When I see a problem in my country, I want to run away to another one. Is this the best I can do? Run away from the problems without even trying to help fix them?? Isn't this what most people do anyway??? Why do I have to do what everyone else does, when I know the only way to improve things is to stick around and try to fix the problems? I know I can be better than this...I know everyone can be better than this. It's just too easy to do what I feel like doing instead of what I know I need to do....and it annoys me that I'm not willing to work my butt a bit more coz' I don't wanna get out of my comfort zone. The thought of living my whole life just for myself and not to make a good difference in other people's lives just freaks me out as well....I think at my funeral I would rather be remembered for being just a good friend and blessing to people, instead of for my academic accomplishments or financial accomplishments or other stupid material things people don't care about unless they get to enjoy it themselves. But I'm not making that effort to be with people...to know people...because I'm just too much of a lazy, selfish bum who'd rather do my own thing. And maybe because I don't like inconveniencing people to hang out with me, which when you're super busy with 10 billion uni assignments, would be a considered a waste of valuable time. Perhaps this is one of the biggests problems in the modern world...people are so caught up doing their work and making money, while kids are so busy studying, that no one bothers to make time for each other. As a result, we're all getting healthier and more knowledgable, and living longer, and getting more technologically advanced...but every one of the 6 billion people on the planet can still feel lonely. What's the point?
I don't want to be one of them. Running around like ants all their lives, trying to get the things they want and need, and forgetting what really matters in life...the people. But I still see myself slowly becoming like that. Perhaps it's the Chinese mentality that money matter more than anything else, and we always gotta be busy, busy, busy...but that's really a pathetic excuse. If I really wanted to, I change myself. Anybody can change themselves. And I can't blame my 'go-with-the-flow' mentality on anything else except on my own lazy-bumness and lack of will. It annoys me.
Maybe it's because I think too far ahead, and expect so much of myself that I just don't know where to start. Maybe I need to remember that I can't change the whole world for the better in a day, but I can start at home and among the people I know. Maybe I constantly need to remind myself that it's the little things I do that really make a difference, not necessarily the big things that everyone notices. Little things like being a considerate drivers when most other drivers act like they own the roads. Things like talking to the new person in a place where everyone else is too busy with their own cliches. Things like holding my tongue when all I want to do is lash out in anger.
It's tough to try and make a difference...something I've learned over the years. It's depressing when I feel I just can't do anything much. It's annoying when I know I'm becoming the person I never wanted to become. And most times I just want to give up trying and be like everyone else and join the silly rat race. Most times. But sometimes, I take a good look at myself, ramble a lot of nonsense like this and say to myself, "Hell, no matter what, I'll still keep on trying to work to my dream of being that better person." This is one of those times. God help me!

Life is just dandy

I have one and a half weeks before my new semester starts. Then it's back to another stressful eight months, with a one month break in between...and then I graduate! Wee ha!!! And then I'll probably be doing my honours, which will take up another one year. And then I'll graduate with honours! Wee ha!!!! And then I'll get a job and work my butt off for the rest of my life paying off my house and car(s) and my kid's university education, before I retire at 50-something and bum around until I die. Wee ha!!!
*Sigh*...life is just dandy, isn't it? :p

CNY lunch and thoughts on the Catholic church

Had a good Chinese New Year day today, where my parents had a little lunch for my and my brother's friends. Most of my friends seemed to have 'balik kampung', so I only had a couple of my taekwondo friends, Chun Hau and Rau come over. My instructor promised he would definitely be here today, but without even calling me, he decided not to show up and told the other two to inform me. Sigh...well, he's a pretty good guy so I'll forgive him for now... and him a good walloping the next time I see him, hehe! Also had some of my relatives come over, which included my dad's cousin's son named Adrian, who also happens to be working as a pastoral worker in a Catholic church somewhere in Sunway. We got round to talking and somehow or another he ended trying to convince me that the Catholic church is the one true church, and that some of the things Protestants believe about the Catholic church aren't true, and yadda yadda yadda. Bleh. Even had the whole pamphlet thing to show me to help his case. He did sort of answer some of the pressing questions like why Catholics think it's important to pray to Mary even though the Bible says we can just pray directly to Jesus ourselves. Or why the Pope is given such high reverance and whatever he says he is taken as gospel truth, even though he just another ordinary sinful guy. Or why the Catholics go through so many seemingly mindless rituals and traditions that don't seem to be biblical. Adrian didn't have enough time to really answer all those such questions thoroughly...but enough to make me think that the Catholic church isn't all as whacked out as I thought is was. And if I really feel like it, later on I might work up the energy to check up more on this topic myself so I can make a more-informed conclusion.
But even if I were convinced that the Catholic church isn't just full of hogwash rituals that people do just to be 'religious', and there is a good biblical reason for why they do what they do....it's still unlikely that I'll jump back to the Catholic church for that reason. Yeah sure, maybe it's true that the Catholic traditions ARE important traditions carried down from the Jesus' time, at least according to 2 Thessalonians 2:15 (taken from that cute little pamphlet)...but the problem is even though it may be important to continue those traditions, the danger is that people will just DO the traditions blindly for the sake of being 'religious' without even fully understanding the reasons or purposes behind those traditions. For people who honestly fully understand the reasons for these traditions and do them wholeheartedly for God without ulterior motives, good for them and I hope they keep it up. But for someone like me who has a problem doing anything wholeheartedly for God...I don't see the point in joining a Catholic church and regularly partaking in their traditions when I know that if I do, it more likely be just because I wanna 'go with the flow', or 'do my religious duty', or whatever other stupid reason, when I really should be doing it to honour God. And I think the truly best way to honour Him is through the way I live...not through regularly performing religious rituals in the hope that it will be pleasing to Him. Once I get the former down pat, maybe I'll consider going back to the Catholic church. Which means, more I'll probably never set foot in another Catholic church again. Haha! :P

A magical Chinese New Year!

Yeah, may this new year bring you prosperity, good fortune and all such good stuff. Started off this Chinese New Year by trying to learn an unconventional new skill...magic! Haha, one my friends Alvin has been learning magic tricks for a while and showed quite a few to me. And I, being the gullible person that I am, was very entertained, not to mention duped, by most of his tricks....It was also turns out that there's a new magic shop at the Summit, which is like 5 minutes drive from my place, selling all this magic stuff. So me, Alvin and a couple of other friends went there the other day to check it out and got wowed by a guy working at the shop who did a few tricks. Next thing I knew, I was seriously thinking of trying out magic myself. I figured it was time I learned a new skill to add to my list of sort-of talents. Sort-of, because I can do lotsa stuff like play the guitar, sing, do taekwondo, etc...but I'm not exceptionally good at any of them. Jack of all trades and master of none, they say... anyhow, I figured doing magic tricks is a cool thing to learn to entertain people. It's especially cool for me considering most of the good magicians I've seen are all guys...and it would be nice to be one of the rare female magicians around. At least it'll get rid of the notion that girls aren't just for strutting around the magician looking pretty! I've learned a few tricks in the past few days and did a few 'performances' to my friends, relatives and family over Chinese New Year. It's great when they can't figure out what the heck I did and I run off giggling like a schoolgirl. But I also screwed up a few ones, which was of course, rather embarassing and discouraging. But then Alvin did warn me that I should try not to get discouraged if I messed up some tricks...all part and parcel of the trade. Some of the tricks also require quite a bit of practice and slight of hand...which are usually quite cool if I can pull them off, but the amount of practice I have to put into them really PUTS me off. And the only things that would keep me going is looking forward to the dumbfounded looks on people's faces when I do it for them...plus the fact that I already paid for this stuff so I'd better do it good.....hehe. It's extra nice that I have Alvin as a budding magician friend, so we can help each other out and encourage one another to keep on practicing. I still got a heckuva long way to go and plenty of cool tricks to learn, but hopefully I'll have the diligence to actually stick to practicing this so I can perfect at least a few really good tricks...and become Carol da Magician! Bwahahaha! Ha! Hee...heh... :Þ

Poetry, poetry, poetry, Weeee!!

*Ahem*. Ladies and gentlemen...announcing the official opening of....Naeem's Poetry Page!!! Enjoy!