Irrational fears

Yes, I know I promised to put up those dang graduation pics of mine last week or so. But my internet wasn't working for a couple of nights, then I got busy... and then something else has been bothering me greatly which I kinda wanted to blog about, but kinda think it's not appropriate coz' it's issues with my boyfriend. So I won't go into the details, but it does kind of remind me of an episode of Desperate Housewives, where one of the housewives, Lynette Scavo has a domestic issue with her husband, Tom. The story behind these two is interesting, because in the show, before they got married, Tom was with another girl and cheated on that girl with Lynette. Of course, they eventually end up getting married, but in the marriage, Lynette eventually becomes so afraid of her husband doing the same thing by cheating on her with another woman (what goes around comes around, they say), that she demands that Tom goes to get a vasectomy so that he can't have anymore children with anybody else. Now Tom is a house-husband while Lynette goes out to work, so while he wants to make Lynette happy and agrees to do the vasectomy, in the end, he can't do it because he feels his virility is the only thing he had left that makes him a man. So he doesn't do it. And the thing I remember most about this episode is that when Lynette makes her demand to Tom, she says that people in a relationship should calm each others irrational fears. Her irrational fear was that Tom would cheat on her, so she demanded he get the chop. But then when Tom comes back and tells Lynette he couldn't do it, he throws it right back at her and tells her about his irrational fear of losing the only thing left that makes him a man.

Now my situation is nothing like that, but the similarity is that he and I both have our irrational fears. And of course, his fears seem ridiculous to me, but at the same time, I feel my fears are justified but he also poo poos them. But when I think of Lynette and Tom's situation, I believe that neither of them is right or wrong to have those fears.... so I don't think I should look down on my bf's insecurities. And neither should he look down on mine. But right now it boils down to the question of whether or not we are willing to change ourselves and the way we think to calm each other's 'irrational fears'. Quite frankly, if I had a friend in the same situation as me, I would advise her to leave and not take the risk of having her fears coming true. And indeed, a few people have agreed my fears are justified and have given me that very advice. And I was actually on the verge of taking that advice. After so many days of thinking and stressing about it to the point where my colleagues can see something is wrong with me (and I'm usually so good at keeping problems to myself such that no one will know unless I tell them. Yeah, not a healthy thing to do, I know, but such is Carol), I actually thought to myself that I knew exactly what I should do and I would do it. And I was going to do it.... til I met him online and we talked. And I was so angry and so hurt that I wanted him to see just how it felt, which I know is a silly thing to do, but that's just how bad it got. But it didn't work, and so I told him again how I felt (coz' I did tell him once before, but he just didn't get it) without trying to put things nicely to avoid hurting him feelings, coz' I'd had enough of being patient. And I thought, if he just says one thing wrong again.... just one thing.... that would be it. I'd be done with him. I wouldn't have to stress about this issue anymore. It would be such a relief.

But he didn't screw up. He didn't say anything wrong. This time, he actually said what I needed to hear. And now I'm left with the agonizing decision again. And I have sat here for a whole hour thinking about it and I still have no idea what I should do. And I just wanna go to sleep and make it go away, but I know tomorrow when I wake up, I will still have to make a decision. And it's a decision no one else can decide but me. I don't want to get hurt again.... but I know that pain is part of every loving relationship, and cutting it off is taking the easy way out. I don't want to commit to something I might regret later on in life.... but I also don't want to give up easily without trying to work things out.

Good grief, why on earth must relationships be such a pain in the butt? I'm just going to sleep now and let tomorrow be another day.

My new camera, and pics of A Famosa Animal World

It's been another busy week for me, and I have some long overdue pics to post here, coz' of my little trip to Malacca last week to visit my darling Gerald and also coz' of my recent graduation (Woohoo!) last Wednesday. Also, I finally got sick of my Kodak camera which has gone pretty much haywire since I came back from Aus. Everytime I load it with fully charged batteries, it only lasts about 10 minutes before it shuts down as though it has run out of batteries. I think it's because the camera couldn't handle the snowy places I took it to in Aus, and it decided to go bonkers. So after putting up with my crazy camera for the past couple of years, I finally bought a nice new Canon Powershot A430 yesterday, and it's a hot hoochie mama in my fav colour, RED. Isn't it just hot?

And if the looks aren't hot enough, the price sure was! It's a 4 megapixel camera and it came with a 512 mb memory card, mini tripod and screen protector, all for only RM539, which is soooo superbly cheap! And even though it's got all the standard auto modes, some of the settings can be adjusted manually too, which I like coz' sometimes I like to take super closeup nature pics and other pics that require some fiddling around with the settings. Ok, so it's a old model and they've discontinued it to make way for the newer models, but I don't care. Me thinks I got a pretty good deal. And it has a mode to take pics in the snow, so I hope that means it won't go haywire like my Kodak did if I ever happen to go back to a snowy country. But that won't be anytime soon anyway. The only downside is that all the different modes are represented by icons that I have to memorize the meaning to. So it's not a camera I can just give to anyone and they can instantly figure out how to use it...which is a problem when I need someone like my dad, who was already hopeless around my old camera, to take pics for me coz' his head would spin just looking at all the icons! Oh well, nevermind. I just have to try and keep it simple for him. I still love my new camera. :)
Well anyway, as I was saying before I started ranting on about my new toy, I had some pics to put up of my trip to Malacca (which I took with my all annoying camera), and so I shall (my graduation pics, I shall save for tomorrow... or whenever I work up the energy to put up those pics). Well, all of the pics Gerald and I took were from A Famosa's animal world, which is where he and I went for a day trip. Some of the pics are from a multi-animal show, which is my opinion, wasn't all that good, though there were a few interesting things like a cat moving across a beam upside down, and a dog that jumped through a ring of fire!





Below is some pics of a poor malnourished-looking sunbear doing some stunts like balancing on a barrel and riding on a scooter. Made me wonder if they actually feed the bear properly, and if they even abuse it to get it to do their tricks. I sure hope not!





In my humble opinion, the bird show was considerably better, even though I'm not a big fan of our feathered friends. They had the usual silly things like birds riding on bicycles and playing basketball and doing somersaults on hoops (goes to show just how many animals shows I've seen in my life.... so much that I know what to expect!). The good parts were when they were collecting funds for their bird feeding program and they got a couple of birds to fly up to the audience and collect the money from people who wanted to donate. They also had a toucan that could catch food in midair, and they finished it off with a bunch of 'ssexy ladies' or flamingoes gracing the stage! Now that was pretty cool. :)











Here's some other miscellaneous pics of animals we saw around the zoo.





















This elephant was very photogenic, coz' it stood right behind the rope for quite a while as people took pics with it and bought food to feed it. So Gerald and I had pics taken with the friendly elephant.





Here's a pic of me with a species of chicken that apparently has the longest tail in the world. I wonder how to poor blighter walks around with that tail. I also wonder how long the crazy people at the animal world keep the poor thing in that glas enclosure, coz' there's no space for it to move, and it's forced to stand there until they take it out! Nutty people....



Me and a camel!



And last but not least, me and Gerald waiting for the ferry to get us off Monkey Island...which was a pathetically small island with pathetically few monkeys.



To sum it up, I think the Malacca Zoo is definitely more value for money, even though it doesn't have any animals shows (which is good in a way, coz' you dunno if the animals are abused or not, and I don't quite trust locals to take care of our captive wildlife all that well). But Gerald and I also went to A Famosa's Water World, which in my opinion, was way more fun. It even had a 5 storey high slide where you go down on it with nothing but yourself! Gerald swears that it's actually 10 storeys high and didn't dare go on it. :) It's ok, I still love you. I'll just drag you to Sunway Lagoon one day to practice going more on these rides. Bwahaha! Kidding. Anyway, all in all, the rides there and some were different from Sunway Lagoons, though there wasn't as many.

So that's my Malacca trip in a nutshell. More pics coming soon!

A good bloke gone forever....

*Sigh* It is a sad day today for animal lovers everywhere. I'm sure anyone who doesn't live under a coconut shell would have heard the news.... Steve Irwin a.k.a. the Crocodile Hunter was killed in a freak accident when a stingray attacked him as he was shooting a documentary. The barb from the stingray's stinger went right through his heart and probably killed him instantly.
Actually, it probably wasn't a freak accident, I think the stingray meant very much to do that. Heh, lame joke. Well, he was a humourous guy, so I think he might appreciate a lame joke. It's kind of ironic that he faced all sorts of much more dangerous animals in his life like crocs and snakes and venomous spiders and whatnot.... and the one that got him was a usually harmless stingray. Apparently his death is only the third known fatality due to a stingray in the whole world! Their stings usually aren't fatal... but he had the bad luck of getting pierced right in his heart. What a bummer. Well, at least he died doing the very thing he was passionate about, instead of wasting away in his old age. The really sad thing is that he left behind his wife Teri and his two young kids, Bindi Sue and Bob, who are only 8 and 3 years old respectively. It's such a shame his son will be too young to remember much of his dad when he grows up. And Bindi Sue is so much like her dad already. I could tell when I went to visit Australia Zoo in 2004 and I saw her doing a commentary on how to feed Galapagos tortoises. She really sounded and acted just like her dad! And when I wanted to take a picture with her and her Teri Irwin, who was also there, Teri told me that Bindi just found out that a koala had died and she was crying so she couldn't be in the picture. Man, I can only imagine how much she must be crying now that her dad is gone. *Sigh*... such a shame.

I was in such a shock when I found out today at work. A colleague just came up to me and said "Do you know the Crocodile Hunter?" I said "Yeah." Then he said "He died already" And my jaw dropped and I was like "What????" I almost thought he was joking. And he couldn't explain to me exactly what had happened to Steve coz' his English ain't too good. He just told me that something went through his heart while he was diving, and I though a piece of wood from the boat fell off and pierced him or something. And my dang office doesn't have internet after 10am, so I couldn't check the news to see for myself. So I was itching to find out more, which I did as soon as I left the office. I heard it on the radio, and I saw the news on CNN as soon as I came home. And then my mum had to go and say that it bound to happen to him sooner or later, seeing how he always took such risks. Not that I disagree, and yeah, he probably did take a few too many risks, but he was one of the few brave people who actually had the guts to step out and do something to help the animals no one could care less about. And he was a guy with real passion. You gotta respect that, at least.

Well, the whole world is abuzz with this news, and a lot a lot of people are saddened by it, myself included. I even tried to get into his website but couldn't get into it, probably because it's flooded with other people trying to get onto the website. Then I went to visit wikipedia and was surprised to see that the article on Steve Irwin was already updated on his death, and his life was all described in past tense. Like, that was super fast. And I think at least 8 people on my MSN messenger list have a message next to their nick about Steve Irwin.....including one that said "That irritating Aussie is gone! I dunno whether to be happy or feel sympathy". Hrmpph... I shall deal with that fella when I see him! Oh well, love him or hate him, Steve Irwin definitely made an impact. He will be missed. Rest in peace, mate.

The charity carnival and the crazy cabby

Last Saturday was a completely full day and night for me and my colleagues as we had to work to set up and man a booth at the music/fun carnival at Bukit Kiara to raise funds for the Yogyakarta earthquake victims. It was a pretty large scale event with lots of local singers, DJ's and actors performing on 3 different stages (right next to each other too... don't ask me how). There were also more than 20 booths including paintball, hot air balloon rides, henna and glitter tattoo booths, face painting, magic shows, caricatures and of course, our very own Mad Scientists doing free slime, super bouncy science balls, cotton candy, hovercraft rides (for kids and adults who are young at heart and weigh less than 70kg!) and even putting on free shows. So everyone had to be at the office by 9am to throw all our equipment into the van and get over to the site to set up our stuff and decorate our booth. We were one of the few companies who needed two tents, one for the show, and one for all the other stuff we were giving away. By the time we were done, it was around 2 or 3 in the afternoon and still pretty early before the actual event started at 4pm, so we had a chance to relax a bit and even check out some other booths. I got myself some nice temporary glitter tattoos (one of a dolphin and one of a butterfly). And even though I had to work til midnight, it was a pretty fun day. I was in charge of the cotton candy machine, and by the end of it I think I turned into a cotton candy myself coz' I had sugar all over me and my shirt had yellow stains coz' of the sugar colouring (it was orange flavoured, but turned yellow once heated up). And of course, I was pretty sick of eating cotton candy by the end of it all. Someone had to clean up all the pieces that get stuck to the cotton candy bowl, you know. :P I shall not elaborate further. By the way, in case you're wondering what a mad scientist is doing making cotton candy, well, there IS a whole science to how the stuff is made. Something about how the machine head had a metal slits inside it that heat up to melt the sugar, and while the head is spinning, the melted sugar gets flung out through the slits to form cottony threads. The threads then resolidify and collect in the big metal bowl, where I twirl the paper cones around to catch the stuff. And voila, you have a treat to kill any diabetic. Yummy. Anyway, most people were more interested in eating the stuff than knowing the science behind it, but some people did want to know, and some even more adventurous people wanted to try and collect the cotton candy on the cone themselves, to which I obliged. When things were so busy, I went over to help make slime and super science balls for a couple of nice college kids. It was my first time making super science balls too, and it's pretty funky coz' it's actually a bunch of special coloured crystals which we have to pour into a mini round shaped container and then soak it water for a while. The water will then cause the crystals to polymerize and make a cool colourful bouncy ball. Slime is pretty fun too. Basically, it's polyvinyl alcohol plus some colouring and some Borax solution (or sodium borate) to make the wonderfully gooey stuff. The hovercraft rides were pretty fun too. It's just like a big round board with an air blower attached to it that blows towards the ground and causes it to lift up slightly above the ground. Then a couple of guys will push the things back and forth while the kid on top of it enjoys the ride. Sweet stuff!

The sad thing is that there weren't all that many people at the carnival... certainly not enough to cover the cost of the event, I think. Considering the organizers had to pay all the companies setting up booths, and also set up three performance stages, and pay the performers, as well as advertise the event over the radio (and possibly through other media, though I didn't notice any ads on tv or the newspapers)... the place certainly wasn't packed with people, so I don't know how they can cover the cost, let alone get much funds to help the Yogyakarta earthquake victims. I mean, the tickets were priced at RM80, which is pretty pricey, but for the stuff they have there and considering it was for charity, I think it was pretty ok. If I wasn't working there, I might've gone for it myself. But oh well...at least I didn't have to work my butt off making cotton candy for truckloads of people. :P I did have to make the effort to try and attract people to our booths by announcing our attractions over the PA system. None of my colleagues were really into making announcements except, so I took up the microphone and became a Mad Scientist emcee every now and then. And my boss's family was there too, including his mother (who is also a director of the company though she comes in only like every now and then), wife, and brother.... and his mother seemed to like that I was making the effort to get people to our booth. She even clapped for me and encouraged me on! I guess it's a good sign if the boss's mother is clapping for me. :D

All in all, it was a tiring but fun day. I had a good time, up until I was driving on the way home at 1am. Then I had a run in with one of the crazy drivers that come out at night. I had stoped at a toll booth and gave an RM10 note to pay for RM1 toll. So when I got back my change and I was trying to count it to make sure I got the right change before driving off, this crazy cab driver behind me blared his horn at me barely 3 seconds after I got my money back. Like geez, it's barely enough time for me to change gears, let alone check my change. So I was quite annoyed, but I moved my car forward anyway, driving a bit slowly so I could still count my change. Then the crazy cabbie came at me from behind and because there are traffic cones making lanes coming from the toll booth, he couldn't overtake me. So the nut started flashing at me from behind, and when the cones cleared up and he had the chance to overtake me, he drove past honking at me AGAIN. At this point, I was seriously ticked off, so I threw my hand up at him like I was scolding the bugger (usually I just let idiot drivers like that pass me by, but after working for 15 hours straight and being superbly pooped, I wasn't quite in the mood to have some impatient fella honking at me for wanting to count my money). And the fella saw what I did, and didn't like it, so he actually had the nerve to drive in front of me and stop his car, which forced me to stop as well. And while I'm honking the nut, he got out of his car and stood there yelling at me and looking like he was going to come over and beat me up or something. Of course, I was still in my car, and he was out of his, so I wasn't scared so much as I was superbly annoyed at the nerve of this guy. So I just reversed my car and zoomed past him. And honking at me and probably yelling at me in his car, but I couldn't care less what he was doing coz' I just looked straight ahead and ignored the nutty cabbie until he finally zoomed off in front. And of course, I didn't want to be following the fella for fear of him deciding to seriously do something crazy, so I turned off to a different road to get home, to make sure he couldn't follow me anymore.

Now that I think about it, I know it wasn't too smart of me to make any gestures to provoke the nut, especially since I'm driving alone at night. But I guess I wasn't thinking straight at the time after working so long. The nut could've gotten seriously violent and even tried to ram me off the road. Thank God that didn't happen. But anyhow, it's freaky to think that insane people like him having driver's licenses, let alone are cab drivers. I really wish I had remembered his license plate number so I can report the fella to the police. Though I doubt they would be much help either. Knowing the efficiency of our police force, they wouldn't do a thing unless the crazy cabby actually tried to kill me or something. Hmm... is it any wonder why there are so many crazy drivers around.

Well, a lesson to learn from that.... If I wanna scold a crazy driver, do it in when he's way ahead of me and can't see whatever hand gestures I make at him. Haha! I still wish someone would make that Fart-O-Matic I was talking about before. If it's powerful enough, the gas released from the back of my car would sicken the driver behind me so much, he wouldn't even think of trying to bully me. He would end up puking by the side of the road or something. :Þ *Sigh*...wishful thinking.

Emailing in the office and Adobe Intimidator

The other day at cell group, some of my working friends were mentioning about how their colleagues and bosses would prefer to be emailed rather than have face to face chats. Apparently it's because they may not necessarily be free when people want to talk to them, but they can read their emails at their own leisure anytime.... and also because some bosses want to have things in black and white so they can refer to the emails in case they need to clarify things (and potentially get their employees in trouble). And in my office, when anybody has any issues, instead of taking the person aside and talking to them about it, they send emails to each other....sometimes even to the whole office (which right now is only five people)! I guess it's kind of sad that people are so used to contacting each other through email these days that they would prefer it over personal human contact.... even within the same office where everyone is so close together, you just need to talk loudly a bit in order for everyone to hear you. At the same time, I know I myself have used email for the same purpose, to talk to people about certain issue without actually having to confront them and possibly get involved in a blowout. Also, I'm the kind of person who gets tongue-tied easily when it comes to fragile situations like that, so I prefer to really sit down and think about what I should or shouldn't say first before writing anything. Whereas in a conversation, once I say something I don't mean, that's it... there's no erase button to change what I said. So it does help to avoid unwanted misunderstandings and the tension of a face-to-face confrontation... and yet I still can't help but wonder whether people like me become a bit too reliant on technology, so much that we lose out learning how to build personal relationships. Perhaps one day in the future, everybody will be talking to each other only through computers. Wouldn't quite be the same as the real thing. But anyway, I just find it an interesting trend.

Anyway, one of the things I'm supposed to learn how to do at work is using Adobe Illustrator. We need to use this program to design posters and flyers or whatever that needs to go to print, and my supervisor lent me the cd to install in my comp. And since there's no one to teach me, I pretty much have to learn it up on my own. The thing is, the help topics in this program would make just as much sense to me as it would in Greek. The terms used are either completely alien to me (eg. opacity masks, rasturize, etc...) or I understand what they mean on their own, but not what they mean in the program (eg. vectors, slicing, knock-outs, etc...). And there are a billion and one things that can be done with this program. Just that it would take me a billion and one years to understand how they're all done. Right now, it's just so exasperating, I'm actually thinking of going out and buying 'Abobe Illustrator for Dummies'.

Ok, me needs to get to bed again!