Irrational fears

Yes, I know I promised to put up those dang graduation pics of mine last week or so. But my internet wasn't working for a couple of nights, then I got busy... and then something else has been bothering me greatly which I kinda wanted to blog about, but kinda think it's not appropriate coz' it's issues with my boyfriend. So I won't go into the details, but it does kind of remind me of an episode of Desperate Housewives, where one of the housewives, Lynette Scavo has a domestic issue with her husband, Tom. The story behind these two is interesting, because in the show, before they got married, Tom was with another girl and cheated on that girl with Lynette. Of course, they eventually end up getting married, but in the marriage, Lynette eventually becomes so afraid of her husband doing the same thing by cheating on her with another woman (what goes around comes around, they say), that she demands that Tom goes to get a vasectomy so that he can't have anymore children with anybody else. Now Tom is a house-husband while Lynette goes out to work, so while he wants to make Lynette happy and agrees to do the vasectomy, in the end, he can't do it because he feels his virility is the only thing he had left that makes him a man. So he doesn't do it. And the thing I remember most about this episode is that when Lynette makes her demand to Tom, she says that people in a relationship should calm each others irrational fears. Her irrational fear was that Tom would cheat on her, so she demanded he get the chop. But then when Tom comes back and tells Lynette he couldn't do it, he throws it right back at her and tells her about his irrational fear of losing the only thing left that makes him a man.

Now my situation is nothing like that, but the similarity is that he and I both have our irrational fears. And of course, his fears seem ridiculous to me, but at the same time, I feel my fears are justified but he also poo poos them. But when I think of Lynette and Tom's situation, I believe that neither of them is right or wrong to have those fears.... so I don't think I should look down on my bf's insecurities. And neither should he look down on mine. But right now it boils down to the question of whether or not we are willing to change ourselves and the way we think to calm each other's 'irrational fears'. Quite frankly, if I had a friend in the same situation as me, I would advise her to leave and not take the risk of having her fears coming true. And indeed, a few people have agreed my fears are justified and have given me that very advice. And I was actually on the verge of taking that advice. After so many days of thinking and stressing about it to the point where my colleagues can see something is wrong with me (and I'm usually so good at keeping problems to myself such that no one will know unless I tell them. Yeah, not a healthy thing to do, I know, but such is Carol), I actually thought to myself that I knew exactly what I should do and I would do it. And I was going to do it.... til I met him online and we talked. And I was so angry and so hurt that I wanted him to see just how it felt, which I know is a silly thing to do, but that's just how bad it got. But it didn't work, and so I told him again how I felt (coz' I did tell him once before, but he just didn't get it) without trying to put things nicely to avoid hurting him feelings, coz' I'd had enough of being patient. And I thought, if he just says one thing wrong again.... just one thing.... that would be it. I'd be done with him. I wouldn't have to stress about this issue anymore. It would be such a relief.

But he didn't screw up. He didn't say anything wrong. This time, he actually said what I needed to hear. And now I'm left with the agonizing decision again. And I have sat here for a whole hour thinking about it and I still have no idea what I should do. And I just wanna go to sleep and make it go away, but I know tomorrow when I wake up, I will still have to make a decision. And it's a decision no one else can decide but me. I don't want to get hurt again.... but I know that pain is part of every loving relationship, and cutting it off is taking the easy way out. I don't want to commit to something I might regret later on in life.... but I also don't want to give up easily without trying to work things out.

Good grief, why on earth must relationships be such a pain in the butt? I'm just going to sleep now and let tomorrow be another day.