Two weeks into uni now and I still haven't gotten out of the holiday mood, especially now with even more cool tv shows to watch practically everyday like Tru Calling, Angel and Desperate Housewifes (not the kind of show I expected to watch, but it's quite hilarious!), in addition to the Buffy reruns (and the Simpsons after Buffy!), three CSI series, Lost, Fear Factor and other miscellaneous stuff I watch here and there for the heck of it....I think I might actually be turning into a couch potatoe! Aaaiiieeeee!!!! I always used to pride myself on the fact that I could probably survive without a tv for ages (I did so in Aussieland coz' my house didn't have tv for a whole semester!)....now I might have to revamp my tv addiction status...haha!
Anyways, updating on the taekwondo issue, my instructor decided a few weeks ago to pull me away from the class I was in charge of to assist him at another class...not because he no longer wants me to take over a class some day, but because he knows I'm still not ready and I need more guidance from him. Which in a way is a big relief for me coz' I was starting to get little nervous breakdowns thinking too much about my taekwondo issues. Me thinks I've been so used to getting praises most of my life for always doing things well that once I heard people actually critisizing my teaching like the parents did... even though I knew I shouldn't take it to heart, worrying about what the parents would say next just took away my fun in teaching the class. I mean, I like teaching the kids and fooling around with them sometimes, and I think quite a few of them like the way I teach coz' I'm not as much of a killjoy as some other assistants...but gosh, when their parents are standing around scrutinizing my every move like a hawk and reporting to Mr. Arul everything I do wrong...that just really takes the fun out of it. I've even been having dreams about parents complaining! And I hardly ever remember my dreams!!! I would just love to teach a class where the parents aren't around, or it's a completely new class where nobody knows how my instructor teachs so they don't expect me to be as good as him. And if that wasn't already stressful enough, then comes along these problems with some troublesome assistants. I think things are ok now between me and the female assistant, and even though while she was still mad at me she claimed that I was 'losing' my taekwondo friends, I don't quite see that happening coz' everyone is still talking to me and friendly to me, including that girl's brother! Ah vell...I'm just glad my instructor got all of us together a few weeks ago and told us all that we're supposed to a team and not get all upset with each other got of small problems...he didn't mention the problems or who was having a problem with whom, but he told us this because of my problem with the girl, and I guess most of them understood. Nevertheless, I still have a feelings that a lot more politics might crop up among us later on, what with the gossiping that I'm pretty sure is going on between some of the black belts, especially the girls (the downside of the female species, I always say...) and also with that other guy who wanted my class and talked crap about me behind my back. I suspect he's going to have a problem with anyone who is a threat to him getting what he wants... even our instructor if he doesn't let him take over a school. In fact, that guy is the one my instructor put in charge of the class I was teaching.... and not because my instructor thinks he's ready to take that class but coz' my instructor wants him to learn his lesson in wanting to take on something he's not ready for. The class is probably going to end up a bigger mess than before, which is a bit of a spaz to me coz' I know all the kids there and I don't want them to be doing rojak taekwondo. But I need to continue learning from my instructor and there's nothing I can do about that class now. Now I just hope I actually DO learn something from spending more time with my instructor. :P Anyhow, at least that guy seems to be the only one to really watch out for.... all the other assistants are really great people who work together pretty well. Yeehah for that! :P
Ya, anyway, I was supposed to talk about today, which was a busy but good day. I went to visit the child care centre with the usual Project Elijah gang, and we helped the kids make masks, which was pretty fun, but extremely messy (note to self: a bottle of glitter around 14 hyperactive children is NOT a good idea!). Then played the usual kiddy games before we had to ciow for a dinner at a church aunty and uncle's place. They had the dinner as a special treat for us church youth (apparently something God had been nagging the aunty, whose name is Mary, to do for a long time. I don't know why, but I ain't complaining! :D). That was pretty fun too. At one point, the bunch of us was sitting around chatting and I started playing one of those annoying mind-boggling games where you have to figure the pattern to what I say, and it got almost everyone's attention (except for some who probably didn't want to think too much and just ent off. Kakaka! :P). Well, most of them figured out my first game, so I moved on to a second one, and then my cell leader Kelvin started telling jokes, which of course got the rest of us telling dumb jokes. Haha, it was all just hilarious! Would love to tell one of Kelvin's jokes about an Indian airline (with apologies to the Indians.:P) but right now I need to hit the sack coz' it's another busy day tomorrow. Byeee!!!!
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Sunday, July 24, 2005
The doomsday mentality
I've had a whole week to cool off from last week's blowout with my mum, and even though the things she said are not anything I'm going to forget easily anytime soon, I think I have pretty much gotten past it and decided not to hold it against her. As I realised from something my cell group leader shared with us recently, Chinese parents have a tendancy to say the most stupidest things when they're angry...and he's had it a lot worst than I did with my mum. Plus, my mum had a pretty tough childhood , what with being the oldest child with four other siblings she's had to take care off and being made to do the housework all the time.... so I can blame her wacked out behaviour on that. But even with a tough childhood, I don't think it gives her all the excuse in the world to behave the way she does, coz' I know plenty of other people who've grown up in similarly tough situations and turned out to be quite reasonable and mature. *Sigh*
We didn't mention the incident at all after that night... and though I've thought about it talking it over with her in a calm manner, I have a pretty good idea of how the conversation will go and I doubt it will be positive. I hate to say it, but a 'civilized' conversation with my mum means she does all the talking and I do all the listening, and if I so much as has a hint of sourness on my face, she'll blow up at me again and accuse me of being all sorts of unreasonable things. I think I still have to hold to what I said last week, about not talking to her unless I have to.... not because I wouldn't like to be able to talk to her about stuff and my opinions and all... but because she has a fine ability to pick out something from things I or someone else in my family says, assume its a negative remark against her and proceed to get all uptight about it while the rest of us just sits around and shakes our heads.
Not only that, but just a few minutes ago, my brother was telling my parents about how he was planning to invest in some property in Canada through the internet, which costs like $40,000 and that's just the deposit. My dad was all for it, but my mum immediately went into worst-case scenario mode. "Anything on the internet is a scam! You can't trust it! I don't even want to look at the website! It's gotta be a scam!". It took forever for my brother to just convince her to look at the website where he's planning to invest through, explain the reasons why it's legitimate and the investing company of that website is legitate as well. He also explained that he has a few friends working at that company who introduced him to it. But mum is still not convinced. "What if the website is a fake? If it's not the Canadian government running this website, how can it be trusted? What if the company is made up to look legitimate, but in a few years they close up and disappear with your money? Who will you contact if anything goes wrong and your money disappears?". And she goes on and on with her "what-if-this's" and "what-if-that's" to the exasperation of my brother, and to myself as well... just listening to it. She even uses the example of Enron of how a big well-known company can dupe its customers of their money. It was frustrating and funny at the same time... simply because her worries are just so ridiculous. My brother had the evidence that the company was legitimate, he has friends working there, he didn't find any complaints about the company anywhere on the net, it's a well-established company with branches worldwide and the company is registered under the dunno-what board of investing companies in Canada, or whatever it is. And here's my doomsday mum, who doesn't even use the internet.... before even finding out more about it she straight away says it's gotta be a scam and implies my brother is a fool for wanting to invest through the internet coz' he can't see the property and all. If she wants to be skeptical then that's fine, but she could at least find out more information before pouring cold water all over my brother's fire. It just makes me think all the more that something is quite wrong in my mum's head. She always has this thinking that everyone out there is bad bad bad.... everybody is out to get you and they just want your money. She doesn't seem to trust a soul.... and according to what my dad just told me, she doesn't even trust him. Like wow. She's married to the guy, who's supported her for so many years and she doesn't even trust him? It's quite sad. I mean, I know my dad has done some thing's wrong to her in the past, and one thing in particular which even I thought was so bad it took me a long time to get over it. But even before that incident, my mum has never seemed to trust my dad. For so many years, I've had to listen to her complain about my dad doing all these things that drives her up the wall, and for a long time I was 'on her side'. But now I'm actually feeling sorry for my dad instead. The way she's behaved to him ever since they got married....it's more than most normal people would take and I think my dad's been very patient to put up with her constant nitpicking on every small thing he does wrong. I mean, even when he tries to do something to make her happy, or lighten her workload, or buys something he thinks she'll like, she finds some fault in it somehow and complains about it. If I were my dad I probably would've gone nuts by now.
I really don't have much doubt that my mum has some kind of psychological issue, and I guess it's no use getting angry at her about it. I am worried about her in a way. I don't know how she can spend her whole life trying to control everyone around her and thinking the whole world's out to get her or make use of her. Granted, some idiotic people have made use of her before.... but that was years ago and not everyone is such a low life. I just don't know what to do with her. I don't know how to talk to her about it.... and I don't think the rest of my family knows either. Oh well, I guess a heap of prayer is in order. Haha, I know that prayer is more useful than the non-Christian might think in this sort of situation, but I still feel a bit peeved to think that that's the 'best' I can do for my mum. I just really don't want her to have this doomsday mentality for the rest of her life....
We didn't mention the incident at all after that night... and though I've thought about it talking it over with her in a calm manner, I have a pretty good idea of how the conversation will go and I doubt it will be positive. I hate to say it, but a 'civilized' conversation with my mum means she does all the talking and I do all the listening, and if I so much as has a hint of sourness on my face, she'll blow up at me again and accuse me of being all sorts of unreasonable things. I think I still have to hold to what I said last week, about not talking to her unless I have to.... not because I wouldn't like to be able to talk to her about stuff and my opinions and all... but because she has a fine ability to pick out something from things I or someone else in my family says, assume its a negative remark against her and proceed to get all uptight about it while the rest of us just sits around and shakes our heads.
Not only that, but just a few minutes ago, my brother was telling my parents about how he was planning to invest in some property in Canada through the internet, which costs like $40,000 and that's just the deposit. My dad was all for it, but my mum immediately went into worst-case scenario mode. "Anything on the internet is a scam! You can't trust it! I don't even want to look at the website! It's gotta be a scam!". It took forever for my brother to just convince her to look at the website where he's planning to invest through, explain the reasons why it's legitimate and the investing company of that website is legitate as well. He also explained that he has a few friends working at that company who introduced him to it. But mum is still not convinced. "What if the website is a fake? If it's not the Canadian government running this website, how can it be trusted? What if the company is made up to look legitimate, but in a few years they close up and disappear with your money? Who will you contact if anything goes wrong and your money disappears?". And she goes on and on with her "what-if-this's" and "what-if-that's" to the exasperation of my brother, and to myself as well... just listening to it. She even uses the example of Enron of how a big well-known company can dupe its customers of their money. It was frustrating and funny at the same time... simply because her worries are just so ridiculous. My brother had the evidence that the company was legitimate, he has friends working there, he didn't find any complaints about the company anywhere on the net, it's a well-established company with branches worldwide and the company is registered under the dunno-what board of investing companies in Canada, or whatever it is. And here's my doomsday mum, who doesn't even use the internet.... before even finding out more about it she straight away says it's gotta be a scam and implies my brother is a fool for wanting to invest through the internet coz' he can't see the property and all. If she wants to be skeptical then that's fine, but she could at least find out more information before pouring cold water all over my brother's fire. It just makes me think all the more that something is quite wrong in my mum's head. She always has this thinking that everyone out there is bad bad bad.... everybody is out to get you and they just want your money. She doesn't seem to trust a soul.... and according to what my dad just told me, she doesn't even trust him. Like wow. She's married to the guy, who's supported her for so many years and she doesn't even trust him? It's quite sad. I mean, I know my dad has done some thing's wrong to her in the past, and one thing in particular which even I thought was so bad it took me a long time to get over it. But even before that incident, my mum has never seemed to trust my dad. For so many years, I've had to listen to her complain about my dad doing all these things that drives her up the wall, and for a long time I was 'on her side'. But now I'm actually feeling sorry for my dad instead. The way she's behaved to him ever since they got married....it's more than most normal people would take and I think my dad's been very patient to put up with her constant nitpicking on every small thing he does wrong. I mean, even when he tries to do something to make her happy, or lighten her workload, or buys something he thinks she'll like, she finds some fault in it somehow and complains about it. If I were my dad I probably would've gone nuts by now.
I really don't have much doubt that my mum has some kind of psychological issue, and I guess it's no use getting angry at her about it. I am worried about her in a way. I don't know how she can spend her whole life trying to control everyone around her and thinking the whole world's out to get her or make use of her. Granted, some idiotic people have made use of her before.... but that was years ago and not everyone is such a low life. I just don't know what to do with her. I don't know how to talk to her about it.... and I don't think the rest of my family knows either. Oh well, I guess a heap of prayer is in order. Haha, I know that prayer is more useful than the non-Christian might think in this sort of situation, but I still feel a bit peeved to think that that's the 'best' I can do for my mum. I just really don't want her to have this doomsday mentality for the rest of her life....
Thursday, July 21, 2005
I'm a slave for you... (ack, can't believe I just quoted Britney!!)
"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."
Romans 7:14-25
Hear hear, brother Paul. I could not have put any better myself. :P
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."
Romans 7:14-25
Hear hear, brother Paul. I could not have put any better myself. :P
Monday, July 18, 2005
My busy weekend and my hypersensitive mum
Well, I went frolicking around at Tioman for a few days with a couple of friends, made myself a lot more bronzer than usual (but no major sunburns, thanks to my Banana Boat spf 50 sunblock!), went snorkelling and saw a couple of super huge fish (about a metre long), a moray eel, something that looked like a colourful manta ray as well as the usual curious tropical fish. No shark sightings this time though. Bummer. Also took a heap of pics, of course, which as usual I will put up here sometime in my life. My friends and I even brought an underwater camera and took some funky shots with that, so I can't wait to see how those turned out... especially my photo of the big fish! I just love snorkelling. Nothing quite like being out in the big blue ocean with nothing but a mask and fins and a heap of fish swarming around you hoping for some food. It's like being in a big aquarium! :P Too bad a lot of the corals there were dead and smashed up coz' of all the human activity there. The management there really should advise the tourists not to stand on the corals when they snorkel.
Anyway, I came back on Friday night and barely survived getting back home through the KL traffic jam when my dad came to pick me up at Pudu Raya. Then Saturday was another very eventful day as I was out again all day from 5.30am helping out at a taekwondo tournament at Banting. I actually joined the tournament myself, but my fight was number 85, which was the second last fight of the day for the girls, so I spent the rest of the time watching out for the girls from my team and coaching them during their bouts when my instructor wasn't around to coach them. All the other black belts were watching the boys fight over at another area, coz' the boys fights are more interesting. That female assistant of mine (or rather, ex-assistant now since she requested to be sent to another school to help out) was also there and I expected that she wouldn't talk to me all day. Which for the most part was true until it finally got round to my fight (which was after 5pm or something and I was already pooped from being awake since 5.30am with only 4 hours of sleep) and because my instructor was busy coaching the guys, he sent over that girl to coach for me. I'm guessing he did that on purpose so we would work together again, and it worked coz' she seemed friendly and acted like nothing was wrong between us. So I'm happy about that, even though I screwed up my fight again coz' my knee gave out 30 seconds into the fight. Now my knee hurts again when I bend it. Bleh, I guess this really means no more tournaments for me....But anyhow because there was only me and my opponent in our category, I still get a silver even though I lose. :P Kinda stupid way to get a medal, but at least I can say I actually won something in my very last tournament. Hahaha! They don't have to know HOW I won it. :D :D :D.
Anyway, we were done at the tournament, we headed home and reached Subang at around 8pm, after which I proceeded to go straight to a party one of my church friends, JJ, (also my ex-neighbour, but now moved to Kota Kemuning) was having to celebrate his new baby girl's full moon. My parents were there too, since my dad plays tennis with the new daddy. JJ also has this Pomeranian dog named Beaar whom I loved to play with last time before I went to Australia and they moved away while I was overseas. The little guy is still as hyper as ever, but seemed to have gotten more aggresive coz' when I tried to pick him up, he would get mad and tried to bite me. JJ says it's he's irritated from all the children poking him during the party, but I suspect it's also because he wanted to be able to roam around and maybe forgotten who I was since I hadn't seem him for months. Naughty little mutt! But my mum had brought our dog Sassy to the party too, and when she saw him barking at me, she seemed to have gotten pissed at him and started barking at him...perhaps scolding that naughty Beaar for trying to bite me. Yay, at least my dog knows how to take care of me!
Anyway, after that little doggy episode, eating our dinner and having a looksee at the baby (who was sleeping the whole time), we were ready to go home. I wanted Sassy to come in my car, so my mum came with me to watch out for her, while my dad went in his car. And that short half an hour drive home messed up my day more a heckuva lot more than losing my taekwondo fight or getting bitten by Beaar. I know I said before that I didn't want to complain about my parents here anymore out of respect for them.... but what she said that night was simply too much. We were just talking about the different ways of getting back home coz' I took a wrong turn and ended up having to drive a different way from what I intended. She just told me to follow the signs that say Puchong in order to get back to Subang, and I did so and we managed to find my way back, so she was all like "See, I'm right!" and then said if I had turned back we would've ended up dunno where. But I was saying that I came to JJ's house from the other direction so I knew that going back there I would've still ended back in Subang. Then she got all annoyed and told me not to argue with her...which I wasn't coz' I was just telling her that the other direction is correct as well. But from there she went on to accuse me of always talking back to her and sounding annoyed whenever I talk to her and my dad. She accused me of having no respect for them and went on to say how she's done soooo much for me and I never appreciate what she's done. She accused me of thinking I'm so much smarter than her because I've been doing so well at Monash, and I think it gives me the right to talk 'smart' at her. And the 'best' part of all was when she accused me of thinking nothing but bad things about her and my dad, about not caring about them and calling me a brat.
I didn't even know what to say after that... and I didn't want to say anything to her coz' I know she'd just think I'm trying to talk back to her again. I seriously don't know why she blew up at me so badly just because I was trying to give my own point of view about some insignificant thing. Every time I or my brothers try to tell her something that's contrary to her opinion, she takes it like we're arguing with her when we're just trying to have a normal discussion. This is not the first time she's gotten angry at us for that. But some of the accusations she threw at me this time is just so unbelievably outrageous... I was left speechless with anger. I can't even believe she can say that I don't care about her and my dad. What, does she expect me to tell her every day that I love them, when she herself doesn't say the same to me? Neither she or my dad has been very expressive about their affections to us...I know it doesn't mean they don't love us. How can she accuse me of not caring about them because I don't express it either? Of all the unreasonable things she said that night, that one really blew my top. The other thing she said that comes a close second when she said I think nothing but bad things about her and my dad, and I don't appreciate them. Does she know that I was planning to give her more money than I would my dad once I started working coz' I know she does so much around the house and she doesn't get a lot from my dad? Does she know that I wished I had a bit more of her strong character when it came to dealing with those annoying direct sales people? Does she know that on her birthday, I paid tribute to her in my blog? She doesn't know the half of what I think and the she makes all these unfair assumptions.
Of course I can't say I've never been annoyed with my parents, especially with my dad coz' he does do a lot of things that annoy me. But to add to that, ever since I was young, my mum would constantly complain to me about all the things my dad does to piss her off. And I grew up seeing my mum constantly picking on my dad on all the smallest things he does wrong to her. Then when I started talking to my dad in a similar manner, she started telling me I should talk more respectfully to my dad coz' he's my dad and not on the same 'level' as her. Which is true, and I know I should talk to him more respectfully which I have been trying to do. But good grief, after years of listening to her pick on him and complain about him, does she expect my behaviour towards him to not be affected by her? And for that matter, does she expect me to talk to her so nicely all the time when she herself is always so irritable? I know I shouldn't be so irritable with my parents, so now I'm trying to unlearn all that bad behaviour I got from her and be more patient.....but she expects me to just put up with all that crap from her and come out a perfectly well-behaved and non-irritable kid. Give me a break. That night she said that she had always talked to me nicely whereas I don't do the same to her.... I just felt like laughing coz' there were so many times when she talked to me like I was wasting her time. She makes herself out like she's such a great mother.... and I'm not saying that she hasn't done a lot for me coz' I know she has. But she has her own shortcomings that she refuses to see. And then she makes me out to be such a terrible daughter and calling me a brat, because I behave the very same way she's behaving towards her own husband and sometimes to her children. I know I'm not the perfect daughter and of course my attitude needs to improve towards my parents... but I also know that there are plenty of other kids out there who behave a lot more brattier than I do...who absolutely refuse to listen to their parents, who go out all night without saying where they go, who run away from their homes for the heck of it, who do drugs and smoke and do other stupid things just to be rebellious.... am I just as bratty as them? Apparently to her, I am.
She said so many times that when she was younger, she never dared talk back to her father. From what I gather from her previous stories about him, her father was very strict and not someone to be messed around with. And she and none of her siblings were very attached to her father because of that. If she wants me to treat her like she did her father, then I will. I won't give her my opinions, I won't talk back to her, I won't say anything that she might take as being disrespectful. Which means, the less I talk to her, the less chance I have to unknowingly saying something that she's going to take as being disrespectful. So I just won't talk to her anymore unless I have to lah. What other choice do I have? Of course, she can't expect me to treat her like a friend then, if she wants so much respect from me. She told me before that she wants me to open up to her and talk to her about my problems... but how can I talk to her when she's going to take everything I say the wrong way? And I'm not the only person in my family who thinks she's so hypersensitive about what we say.... my dad tells me she does the same thing to him, and I've seen her react that way to some things my brother has said before too. I don't know what's wrong with my mum that made her that way... I would love to sit down and talk with her about it but I know it won't go anywhere with her. She's so hypersensitive, she needs to go for therapy. But I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up fighting with the therapist! I don't know how to behave around her anymore if she thinks of me as such a terrible daughter. She can't blame me for wanting to move away from this house and away from her as soon as I can. Maybe then she'll be happy when her bratty daughter isn't around to annoy her anymore.
Anyway, I came back on Friday night and barely survived getting back home through the KL traffic jam when my dad came to pick me up at Pudu Raya. Then Saturday was another very eventful day as I was out again all day from 5.30am helping out at a taekwondo tournament at Banting. I actually joined the tournament myself, but my fight was number 85, which was the second last fight of the day for the girls, so I spent the rest of the time watching out for the girls from my team and coaching them during their bouts when my instructor wasn't around to coach them. All the other black belts were watching the boys fight over at another area, coz' the boys fights are more interesting. That female assistant of mine (or rather, ex-assistant now since she requested to be sent to another school to help out) was also there and I expected that she wouldn't talk to me all day. Which for the most part was true until it finally got round to my fight (which was after 5pm or something and I was already pooped from being awake since 5.30am with only 4 hours of sleep) and because my instructor was busy coaching the guys, he sent over that girl to coach for me. I'm guessing he did that on purpose so we would work together again, and it worked coz' she seemed friendly and acted like nothing was wrong between us. So I'm happy about that, even though I screwed up my fight again coz' my knee gave out 30 seconds into the fight. Now my knee hurts again when I bend it. Bleh, I guess this really means no more tournaments for me....But anyhow because there was only me and my opponent in our category, I still get a silver even though I lose. :P Kinda stupid way to get a medal, but at least I can say I actually won something in my very last tournament. Hahaha! They don't have to know HOW I won it. :D :D :D.
Anyway, we were done at the tournament, we headed home and reached Subang at around 8pm, after which I proceeded to go straight to a party one of my church friends, JJ, (also my ex-neighbour, but now moved to Kota Kemuning) was having to celebrate his new baby girl's full moon. My parents were there too, since my dad plays tennis with the new daddy. JJ also has this Pomeranian dog named Beaar whom I loved to play with last time before I went to Australia and they moved away while I was overseas. The little guy is still as hyper as ever, but seemed to have gotten more aggresive coz' when I tried to pick him up, he would get mad and tried to bite me. JJ says it's he's irritated from all the children poking him during the party, but I suspect it's also because he wanted to be able to roam around and maybe forgotten who I was since I hadn't seem him for months. Naughty little mutt! But my mum had brought our dog Sassy to the party too, and when she saw him barking at me, she seemed to have gotten pissed at him and started barking at him...perhaps scolding that naughty Beaar for trying to bite me. Yay, at least my dog knows how to take care of me!
Anyway, after that little doggy episode, eating our dinner and having a looksee at the baby (who was sleeping the whole time), we were ready to go home. I wanted Sassy to come in my car, so my mum came with me to watch out for her, while my dad went in his car. And that short half an hour drive home messed up my day more a heckuva lot more than losing my taekwondo fight or getting bitten by Beaar. I know I said before that I didn't want to complain about my parents here anymore out of respect for them.... but what she said that night was simply too much. We were just talking about the different ways of getting back home coz' I took a wrong turn and ended up having to drive a different way from what I intended. She just told me to follow the signs that say Puchong in order to get back to Subang, and I did so and we managed to find my way back, so she was all like "See, I'm right!" and then said if I had turned back we would've ended up dunno where. But I was saying that I came to JJ's house from the other direction so I knew that going back there I would've still ended back in Subang. Then she got all annoyed and told me not to argue with her...which I wasn't coz' I was just telling her that the other direction is correct as well. But from there she went on to accuse me of always talking back to her and sounding annoyed whenever I talk to her and my dad. She accused me of having no respect for them and went on to say how she's done soooo much for me and I never appreciate what she's done. She accused me of thinking I'm so much smarter than her because I've been doing so well at Monash, and I think it gives me the right to talk 'smart' at her. And the 'best' part of all was when she accused me of thinking nothing but bad things about her and my dad, about not caring about them and calling me a brat.
I didn't even know what to say after that... and I didn't want to say anything to her coz' I know she'd just think I'm trying to talk back to her again. I seriously don't know why she blew up at me so badly just because I was trying to give my own point of view about some insignificant thing. Every time I or my brothers try to tell her something that's contrary to her opinion, she takes it like we're arguing with her when we're just trying to have a normal discussion. This is not the first time she's gotten angry at us for that. But some of the accusations she threw at me this time is just so unbelievably outrageous... I was left speechless with anger. I can't even believe she can say that I don't care about her and my dad. What, does she expect me to tell her every day that I love them, when she herself doesn't say the same to me? Neither she or my dad has been very expressive about their affections to us...I know it doesn't mean they don't love us. How can she accuse me of not caring about them because I don't express it either? Of all the unreasonable things she said that night, that one really blew my top. The other thing she said that comes a close second when she said I think nothing but bad things about her and my dad, and I don't appreciate them. Does she know that I was planning to give her more money than I would my dad once I started working coz' I know she does so much around the house and she doesn't get a lot from my dad? Does she know that I wished I had a bit more of her strong character when it came to dealing with those annoying direct sales people? Does she know that on her birthday, I paid tribute to her in my blog? She doesn't know the half of what I think and the she makes all these unfair assumptions.
Of course I can't say I've never been annoyed with my parents, especially with my dad coz' he does do a lot of things that annoy me. But to add to that, ever since I was young, my mum would constantly complain to me about all the things my dad does to piss her off. And I grew up seeing my mum constantly picking on my dad on all the smallest things he does wrong to her. Then when I started talking to my dad in a similar manner, she started telling me I should talk more respectfully to my dad coz' he's my dad and not on the same 'level' as her. Which is true, and I know I should talk to him more respectfully which I have been trying to do. But good grief, after years of listening to her pick on him and complain about him, does she expect my behaviour towards him to not be affected by her? And for that matter, does she expect me to talk to her so nicely all the time when she herself is always so irritable? I know I shouldn't be so irritable with my parents, so now I'm trying to unlearn all that bad behaviour I got from her and be more patient.....but she expects me to just put up with all that crap from her and come out a perfectly well-behaved and non-irritable kid. Give me a break. That night she said that she had always talked to me nicely whereas I don't do the same to her.... I just felt like laughing coz' there were so many times when she talked to me like I was wasting her time. She makes herself out like she's such a great mother.... and I'm not saying that she hasn't done a lot for me coz' I know she has. But she has her own shortcomings that she refuses to see. And then she makes me out to be such a terrible daughter and calling me a brat, because I behave the very same way she's behaving towards her own husband and sometimes to her children. I know I'm not the perfect daughter and of course my attitude needs to improve towards my parents... but I also know that there are plenty of other kids out there who behave a lot more brattier than I do...who absolutely refuse to listen to their parents, who go out all night without saying where they go, who run away from their homes for the heck of it, who do drugs and smoke and do other stupid things just to be rebellious.... am I just as bratty as them? Apparently to her, I am.
She said so many times that when she was younger, she never dared talk back to her father. From what I gather from her previous stories about him, her father was very strict and not someone to be messed around with. And she and none of her siblings were very attached to her father because of that. If she wants me to treat her like she did her father, then I will. I won't give her my opinions, I won't talk back to her, I won't say anything that she might take as being disrespectful. Which means, the less I talk to her, the less chance I have to unknowingly saying something that she's going to take as being disrespectful. So I just won't talk to her anymore unless I have to lah. What other choice do I have? Of course, she can't expect me to treat her like a friend then, if she wants so much respect from me. She told me before that she wants me to open up to her and talk to her about my problems... but how can I talk to her when she's going to take everything I say the wrong way? And I'm not the only person in my family who thinks she's so hypersensitive about what we say.... my dad tells me she does the same thing to him, and I've seen her react that way to some things my brother has said before too. I don't know what's wrong with my mum that made her that way... I would love to sit down and talk with her about it but I know it won't go anywhere with her. She's so hypersensitive, she needs to go for therapy. But I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up fighting with the therapist! I don't know how to behave around her anymore if she thinks of me as such a terrible daughter. She can't blame me for wanting to move away from this house and away from her as soon as I can. Maybe then she'll be happy when her bratty daughter isn't around to annoy her anymore.
Monday, July 11, 2005
Holidaaaaaaay!!!
I'm going to Pulau Tioman tomorrow for holiday until Friday with some uni friends. Can't wait to hit the beach and make friends with the fishies again. Weee! Wish me safe journey and lotsa fun! Sayonara! Will bring back lotsa pics too, don't worry... :D
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