Friday, August 16, 2013

A ugly face of a 'true Malaysian'

So my other blog got quite a bit of attention recently due to a certain article I wrote that went pretty viral, and this blog might be feeling a tad bit lonely these days. I'd been doing much better in the past couple of months after a couple of years of brooding and making this piece of online space my little place to brood. I started caring about things a little bigger than myself, being more aware of the news and especially taking to the FMT website and enjoying little debates with commenters there. As things were getting rather kooky in this country over the past weeks and seeing a lot of angry tirades online about certain issues, I felt motivated to write that article, wanting to do a local language version as it was meant for a certain target audience, but decided to do an English version first so gauge if my opinion really reflected that of others. It got a lot more nods than I expected, even making it onto the blog of a local respected politician. Of course, that made me little proud of myself, like my first little achievement since coming out of my emotional slump, but the intention wasn't to inflate my ego, it was to try and bridge a gap. So I wrote the local version, not really knowing if it would really make any difference to make things better but helping at least it would to a few people. But feeling a bit frustrated too coz' I know it's not much, and I even considered a few times just quitting my job and becoming one of the things I'd never thought I'd want to be... a damn politician. I even had the funny idea of taking a few weeks off to travel to Sabah and Sarawak and educate the poor people there so they know a little better next election, but it was a crazy idea of one person and I know I can't make much difference without a team at least.

Couple of days ago, along comes this message on my FB from some Chinese guy I don't know who pretty much starts berating me for that article and making all sorts of assumptions about my intentions. That I just want attention to stoke my ego. That I'm just a 'keyboard warrior' with no idea what I'm writing coz' I'm a typical Chinese who have little friends of that race which makes me 'less Malaysian', and urbanites don't need that message anymore (which I personally feel is mostly but not completely true, based on my observation and even my own colleagues). The best part was him calling me a college kid, which I shall take as a compliment that I look younger than I am. But all in all, it was infuriating that some stranger pretty much came up and flung all sorts of assumptions about what kind of person I am and how little I actually know based on one article I wrote. His argument? That the real work needed to be done on the ground with the rural folks, not urban ones, which is what he and a group of multiracial friends are doing. Which is great work, of course, which I respect. What I didn't respect was him proclaiming that made him so much more of a true Malaysian than me, in addition to his continued beration of me and accusations that I didn't know what really needs to be done to make the country a better place. The fact that I had aging parents and the future educational costs of 3 nieces to think about is just an excuse. And my explanation that I don't have many friends of 'that' race is mainly because I'm generally untrusting and introverted in the first place, with people of any race, was just me trying to get 'sympathy'. Even when I did admit that I did feel little proud of that article because it was the first big thing I did since my depression and having lived a life where I felt like my opinons don't matter even to my own mum, this insensitive turd had only one word for me. Pathetic. All this coming from someone who is supporting the same side as me, and claims himself to be a 'true Malaysian', but only made himself out to be the most arrogant and judgemental person I've met in my life. 

I don't intend to go into the details of my conversation of him. I do think I was an idiot trying to justify myself to another idiot who knew nothing about me but pretended like he knows everything. If he had talked with a little politeness and explained his work, I would have been so much more supportive of his work. But instead his behaviour was just like the infuriating leaders of this country. Not making any effort to understand the problems of people different from them and then misjudging their intentions, and provoking people to become angry and inflamed to the point of petty arguments about stupid things that don't matter in the big picture. The only difference is that anyone misjudged by the leaders gets charged and thrown in jail, while this turd was just being an annoying little prick. So much that he got the honour of being on the receiving end of my own little tirade of foul language that no one else in my life has ever heard me speak.

Actually, it wasn't so much me being mad at him. After all, he's just a stranger trying to stoke his own ego by belittling some miniscule efforts of an ordinary person while he runs back to his gang and makes fun of me like an immature high school jock (yeah, his royal pompousness told me that's exactly what he would do). What I am really mad at is why this had to happen, after so long of trying to work through my internal issues and trying to open up with people. And especially, after almost decided to go back to church again, which I did last week when I visited CBC. Why, just when I'm starting to turn my life around and have a bit more faith in the goodness of humanity does one stupid annoying little imbecile have to come along and unravel everything? If it's true that God works through people, I can only wonder what great and awesome plan he has for sending the biggest pighead in the country into my life to undermine my self-worth, in addition to all the other pigheads I've known although their pigheadedness was nothing compared to this. Really, God? I don't think I think I ask for much, just one person among 7 billion people whom I can really connect with so I don't have to deal with a messed up world by myself. Even in my latest attempt to join some social events to get to know more people, the curse of meeting weird guys strikes me again. Which is another story in itself which I decided was not worth ranting about anymore, and just consider another amusing addition to the collection of weird guys I meet. At least this time, I know I'm not the only one who sees him as weird, coz' it turned out he and I have mutual friends whom when I asked them about el weirdo, spent an entire night telling me the many ways in which he pissed them off.

I guess it's still for the best to assume there really is no God, so the most logical explanation is that I must have done something really terrible in a past life that karma is coming back to bite me in the ass. Whatever it is, whatever motivation I had to make something little better of myself and try and make some small difference is kinda down the tube right now. I had recently starting asking some friends in Australia about life there and prospects of getting a PR, just considering a move as an option. But after meeting the face of a true Malaysian and finding out a true Malaysian has the ugliest character among everyone I've ever met, I guess my decision is pretty much made up. No need to stay in a country where one is not appreciated, not by leaders and not even by people supposed to be on the same camp. I guess that makes me selfish and immature, but hey, if life's a bitch, after a while, you just need to be a bitch right back.

1 comment:

sel said...

hey carol - i completely support your decision to move to Australia now that you've decided it's the right thing for you! but if i may add, please don't think that Christians don't want to hear your ranting, it's okay to rant at God. David did it all the time in Psalms. as for human ugliness - it's universal - all have fallen and need redemption.unfortunately sin is our inheritance from the first man. sorry you had to have this experience. that guy's been unfair and wrong - i've learnt to just entrust yourself to God and let Him judge.