Thursday, May 23, 2013

More irony

Well, it's been a emotional roller coaster month. I started off being really excited and really happy to get to know someone awesome, to being realy confused, dejected and angry to the point of suicidal thoughts (to be honest, it wouldn't be the first time I've thought of it, it's just that it would the first time I've actually said it out loud coz' it's the kind of comment that makes everyone uncomfortable) and now after the air is cleared and the anger subsided, I'm back to square one where another awesome person will mostly disappear out of my life again. He says otherwise, but I've learned from experience that guys can say whatever they want and most of the time they don't mean it.

The first thing I really don't like about this whole experience is it felt like I became like the most negative and immature person I know whom I never wanted to become. Negative, unreasonably angry and proclaiming intent of suicide which is nothing more than a depressing way to grab people's attention and make certain people feel guilty. I think it's rather ironic that I think said person became that way also due to multiple disappointments by men in her life, among other crappy life experiences, but most recently, that. Even more ironic is that the most of the guys I liked who have disappeared out of my life have the same thing in common. Highly intelligent and interesting to talk to, but have been severely disappointed by women they cared about resulting in them having issues that in turn make them disappear. Given how I'm seeing a pattern of how good people can get really messed up by such relationships, and honestly, I myself have little qualms about leaving a guy in the lurch if he's not to my liking, I'm not making any more effort to meet guys for a while coz' I don't feel it's right to spread the mess to more people. Maybe a long time. Maybe forever. I had considered some sort of revenge on the entire single male species by manipulating them for while then dropping them like a rock. Too bad I still have too much of a conscience to do such a deplorable thing. Perhaps that evil fantasy will take up a few pages in my book. Lol.

Another thing I really don't like about what happened is that I clearly was not able to control my emotions as well as I thought I had learned to. Primarily I guess because I allowed myself to hope again that this guy would be different from the rest. Well, he was certainly different...but the end nett result is essentially the same. And this time the emotional backlash was much worse than before coz' it was completely sudden and unexpected. It's again ironic that his issue was not being able to connect or feel anything emotionally with me, even though we had a great time together, while I, who have been trying to train myself to avoid getting too emotionally connected and even asked God to have some form of mercy on me by turning me into an emotional robot, have clearly failed miserably. This whole emotional suppression thing obviously isn't turning out like I wanted it to. Which makes things pretty tough. I'm always hoping the next time will be different. That little bitch inside of me continues to whisper little dreams and encouragement into my head, and whenever I listen to it, this kind of shit happens. On the other hand, if not for that hope, I probably would have made good on my suicidal tendancies a long time. Can't live with it, can't live without it.

So anyway, I decided it's best to channel my energies into other more creative things. The book idea is one fun way to kill time. Am also hoping to write more music, although I can't imagine how badly it would suck considering I only play guitar and I'm not even really good at that. Crazy things can happen on the wonderful world of Youtube, however. And unleashing my creative potential has been something I've been wanting to do for a long time, just never got round to it once I started working.

I've been listening to Switchfoot recently. They are one of the few Christian bands I still listen to regularly now, coz' they actually have the balls to write about the struggles a Christian goes through and their lyrics are poignant and thought-provoking while their music is just awesome. I would love to be able to write like them. I wonder when I'll stop wishing for silly things.


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