For those who thought that girls only know how to drown their sorrows with girly bitching sessions, chocolate and shopping, here's the all new Facebook approved method:
I wanted to write this post yesterday coz' yesterday was an emo day and I wanted to bitch about it, but it got late and I didn't manage to finish it on time. So the emo post got postponed to today... but it ends a little more positively than I originally intended it to.
Anyway, the reason for my emo-ness was the thought that I am severely lacking in close friends. Not that the thought just occured to me, I of course have been aware of this for a long time and understand that the reason for is mostly my own doing. But what happened yesterday is that I was really excited about something and so I emailed a whole bunch of friends about the news, at least 40 of them, thinking that this would be such a cool thing that that I'd be swamped with responses from my friends wanting to join in the fun.
After 24 hours, I got 3 responses from the first group of about 10 friends I emailed, which was ok.... but from the other group of 30, there was not ONE response. Which I found quite strange, since I'm sure not at least some of them would have checked their emails. I did get one person from that group who responded to me through Facebook....one of the few people I consider a pretty good friend. But not one direct reply to the email. Then I was logged into Facebook and saw one of my friends had posted the same news on her profile, and she was practically swamped with responses.
So the lack of enthusiasm to my email could be due to a great deal of factors (they could have been too busy to reply, haven't seen the email, etc, etc), I just got the feeling that one of the more likely reasons was that the many people I shared this with just isn't close enough to me to give a damn about responding.
Hence I sad. Sad because it's like I meet all these people on a regular basis and it was like not even ONE person could bother to reply to me (even until today, which is 2 days later... zero responses from group 2). And I figured that the main reason for the lack of response was because I am not close to any of these people.
I usually hang out with my big group of friends in a group... and in a group, all talk is small talk. In other words, I never get down to talking with these people about personal things, sharing our 'heart', knowing the crap that is going on in each others lives, it's usually frivolous topics of discussion. I would define a 'close' friend as someone I sit down with one to one every now and then and chat about anything with, including personal topics, without feeling weird about it. There are very few people whom I actually do this with, and even with these few people, I rarely ever take the time to time to meet up with with them for one to one chats. And even with these few people, I don't actually talk about my personal life unless someone asks me something related to it, or somehow the discussion leads to it and I have an excuse to bitch about the crappy things going on in my life. I've been asked before if I had a BEST friend...which I would define a 'best friend' as someone I can call up any hour of the day, say I have a problem and I wanna talk about it and that person will listen to me as long as it takes without thinking it's weird, and vice versa. But to that question, I just kinda blinked for a while and said I don't have a best friend.
I've done a lot of self-analyzing to figure out why I've come to this state. I figure one reason is because a long time ago I did know people I considered my 'best friend'.... until I realized they didn't think the same of me, and I was left being ignored by them. This was one of those experiences that made me learn from an early age that trusting too much in people can result in them disappointing me, and I've said it before that I hate the feeling of being disappointed.
Another 2 reasons is that I hate inconveniencing people and I don't like people feeling sorry for me. I calling up a friend just because I want to talk about something crappy going on in my life is only going to result in one or the other. Either the person doesn't give a hoot about my problem and feels inconvenienced by my whining which is taking up his or her previous time. OR they will feel sorry for me but most likely they can't do anything about the problem anyway, so I would have just made them feel a bit crappy too without getting the problem solved and that really doesn't help anyone. I fail to see the point in either. Even in that FB thread, when I was asked to explain why I was emo, I gave one silly response which didn't answer the question. My typical deflective mechanism which means people won't feel inconvenienced or sorry for me, but they have no idea still what ticking in my brain.
So for the most part, I've been pretty ok being this way. But on occasion I do feel crappy about the way it is, and yesterday was one of those days. As much as I want to protect myself from being disappointed by people, the fact of the matter is I think everyone needs to be able to talk to someone about the tough, personal, emotionally inconveniencing topics every now and then. Even people I know who claim they are not a 'people person' enjoy the occasional long conversation with people they are very close to. Far as I'm concerned there's no such thing as a non-people person... just people who want to protect themselves from getting hurt by misplacing trust in the wrong people.
Anyway, I spent almost the whole day feeling kinda miserable about the depressing thought of having so few close friends, thinking about everything I was blabbering about above and thinking I should just forget about that 'cool' thing I wanted to do since the response was close to dead.
Fortunately, the good thing about me is that I've somehow or another mastered the art of picking myself up when I feel like crap. And after the whole self-analysis session, I figure that since my current state of lack of close friends is due to my own behaviour, why on earth can't I stop being miserable about it and just change my behaviour? If I want to talk to people, instead on waiting around and hoping someone would be ma 'friend' I oughtta get out there and talk to them first.
However, the first matter at hand was to deal with the lack of response to my email. So today I upped and called a whole bunch of people I emailed one by one to ask if they wanted to join this thing or not. And it turns out quite a few of them were interested, and just as I initially suspected (if my emo-ness hadn't taken over), some were just too busy to reply. So I now have a group of people to join this cool thing which I'm sure will be the bomb, and I was glad to report this on my earlier Facebook thread ....
By the way, if you're someone I know who actually took the time to read through my incessantly long waffling and suffer the same emo issues as me, just gimme a holler anytime so we can go out for coffee and bitch about life. ^_^
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