It's been a while since I lasted blogged, the reason being that work has been keeping me pretty busy. My team spent the week before last preparing for a UAT (otherwise known as User Acceptance Test), which is the time when some of our TM clients come in to test the application that we designed for them and to determine if there are any issues that need to be fixed. This is naturally quite a critical time, as we have to deal face to face with our clients everyday for roughly two weeks... the first round starting last week. So I was a busy busy bee...up until last weekend when the Hari Raya holidays started and everyone gets to enjoy a nice long break. My break is especially long, as we Accenturians have to take forced leave for two days (Tuesday and Wednesday) for God knows what reason. I don't mind a nice long break, but when two days are deducted out of my annual leave against my will, it kind of makes me feel uneasy about whether I will have enough leave to last me the rest of the year or not.
Not that I am lacking in anything to do these holidays. I had to prepare worship stuff for the upcoming Discovery Days kids program at my church. I had my first worship practice for it with my worship team on Monday night, and it went better than I had anticipated, which is a good thing. Although the backups singers still need to get used to the idea of doing kiddie actions while singing (I got quite a few weird looks from them when doing actions for the song 'Superhero'. It's times like that when I'm glad I don't get embarassed easily. Kakaka!). I also had to write out my Performance Objectives, which is something all Accenture employees have to do once every year. The thing is that they need us to pinpoint exactly what objectives we hope to achieve, even though in reality we might not have any idea what that might be. And as tempting as it is to put it down, I doubt they would accept it if I just put my performance objective as "to make sure I do a good enough job that I don't get fired and hopefully qualify for pay increment next year and promotion in two years." I managed to put it off right up til today, and since it's my last day of holiday before it's back to the grind tomorrow, I figured I'd better get it over and done with. At least I get a chance to utilize my skill of writing crap while making it sound like I know exactly what I'm talking about. Something I used to do a lot during my university exams. Yes kids, as long as it sounds like you know what you're talking about, you should at least get a pass. Haha!
Anyway, even though I knew I would be somewhat busy during my break, I still had this little feeling of 'lostness' after church on Sunday, when it felt like I had nothing (or very little) to do over the next 3 days and a half (including Sunday after church). And it was that time that I came down with a sudden depression attack.... not just because of that lost "what-am-I-gonna-do-for-3-whole-days?" feeling but I think also because of other factors. One probably being that I quite recently (as in almost 3 weeks ago) broke up with Gerald and since we live 2 hours drive apart and usually only ever saw each other during long breaks, I couldn't help thinking that if we were still together, he probably would've come to visit me this holidays..... Probably, but not definitely... coz' he might've been too busy to come see me anyway. And that's part of the reason why I didn't think it would work out.... the long distance thing was quite an issue. It's difficult to see each other regularly when we're both busy with work, and I realized at times when we might need each other, it would be very difficult to be there for each other. And since I just started a new job and not moving anywhere anytime soon, I figured it was best to separate instead of keeping him waiting for me... when I don't even know if I'd ever go where he is. And then there were other issues like differences in beliefs, which I think would've become a pretty big issue if we had committed to each other. So logically, I know that ending it was probably the best thing for both of us and in a way, knowing that makes it easier... but of course when that nostalgic feeling comes back every now and then, that makes it all the more difficult. Like sometimes when I'm at a place or doing something that we've done together before, it reminds me of him and then I go into Nostalgia-land. Quite normal I suppose... but at least I'm not bawling my eyes out every night or something. I guess the fact that we hardly got to see each other kind of made the post-break up easier as well....*sigh* Well, now we agreed to not contact each other at all after that, which I'm not sure if it's good or bad coz' I would've liked to still know what's going on his life.... just as a friend instead of being emotionally involved. But I guess right now we both need some time apart to move on, and maybe later on we could just say hi to each other sometime and catch up. I do wish him well though, and hope he finds some girl closer to home.
And if going through a post-break up isn't difficult enough, throw in the fact that I also quite recently started taking interest in another guy. Which on it's own can already be quite an emotional headache... liking a guy but wondering if he likes me, and not wanting to get keep my hopes up coz' he might not like me but getting disappointed anyway coz' he shows no sign of being interested in me. Throw post-break up into the emotional mix and you'll get me feeling guilty for liking another guy so soon, and wondering if I'm one of those desperate girls who would happily jump from one relationship to the next. Though logically, I don't think I am that kind of girl... I knew my previous relationship was probably heading for the rocks for some time. But much as I know that getting into another relationship so soon after is probably a bad, baaaad, BAAAAAAD idea, I still am interested in another guy. But considering he really doesn't seem to be interested in me at all, that could be a good thing at this point in time... at least I will have time to release whatever emotional baggage I might have left over. Haha. Yay. Well, at my age, after liking a total of a gazillion guys and getting disappointed all the time, I think I learned by now that disappointments are to be expected. So now the number is a gazillion and one. No biggie. I'll get over it as I always do. Anyway, all this was yet another reason for my sudden depression attack on Sunday.
Another reason would be that someone at church totally irked me to bits after service, and effectively killed my spiritual high as well as my good mood for several hours after. The details of that incident, however, shall remain under wraps. I am considering having a private talk with this person with regards to that incident, so hopefully it won't happen again in the future. However, whether or not my talk with this person will have positive results, I have no idea. I have a strong suspicion that said person, under the DISC profile, is a strong D (for Dominant) personality. Apparently D people always like to be in control and either people like them a lot or don't like them at all. And even though D people are quite happy dishing out criticism to others, they are most likely not too good taking criticism about themselves.... unless they are in very good control of their D-ness. So this D person might just eat me alive for bringing up this issue.... and the fact that I'm a strong S (for Stable or Steady) doesn't make it much easier. S people do NOT like conflicts. Therefore I am not looking forward to bringing up this issue with said D person.... In fact, I'd be quite happy just forgetting about it and hoping I'll have very little to do with said D person in the future. But unfortunately that won't be the case as I do see this person often enough. So for the very same reason that I do not want any further conflicts or tension between us in the future, I feel it's best to bring it up sooner than later. But then again, my L (for Lazy) side may just take over at the last minute and decide to just let it slide *Insert dry laugh here*.
Well, as quickly as my depression attack came, it went off by the next day once I started making myself busy with Discovery Days prepping and doing those annoying Performance Objectives. I also kept myself occupied by playing around with Hero Machine 2.5, which is a cool website where you get to create your own superhero or superheroine. I guess I was watching too much "Who Wants to be a Superhero?", so I got bitten by the hero-creating bug and stumbled upon this website where I had quite a bit of fun creating some funky heroines, including a thief and mermaid and fiery female version of the Human Torch. I also went simple and created a cartoon version of myself... or perhaps a hotter looking version of myself. :P So anyhow, keeping myself busy successfully helped take my mind off those silly depressing thoughts. Today I also had worship practice, tomorrow I go back to work and have Christmas Carolling practice at night, and Friday I have cell group as usual. So I think I'll be sufficiently busy to not think depressing thoughts for quite a while. Ah yes... there's nothing like being a semi-workalic to keep me happy. :P
2 comments:
Just a comment in passing, if it hurts so much then why do you let go? If it causes so much turmoil in u, why cut in the first place? If you feel guilty, it's ur own fault. Blame urself but dun blame him. From what i read about u n him, i think your ex-bf wud have waited 4 u no matter how long it took. I dun see u writing about him contemplating breaking up wit u. It's just a great pity that u cudn't be patient enough to see that. I dunno who ur ex is, but i believe that he's probably better off without you.
I let it go because I think there were probably going to be major issues between us later on because of different beliefs and also because of the distance between us. I also think the lives we each wanted to live were quite different, different enough that either one of us was going to have to make some major sacrifices for the other... and probably be very unhappy about it. Sad to say, life isn't a fairy tale where love conquers all problems...being resentful about not being able to live the life you hoped for will probably cause major issues in the relationship. So I didn't think it would be fair for either of us to hang on to each other for so long, hoping for the best, when I could already foresee these issues. Of course it wasn't easy, and of course it would hurt, but ending it early on is better than waiting years for a relationship that probably won't work, don't you think? As for whether or not he was contemplating breaking up with me, obviously I wouldn't be able to write about that coz' I didn't know whether or not he was thinking about it, so I don't see how that should be factor into the decision I made to break up. And even if he wasn't contemplating it, that wouldn't have changed the fact that our relationship had irreconcilable issues.
I guess from what you say, you think a person who ends a relationship should be completely turmoil-less. Maybe you ought to know that not all relationships end because people stop caring about each other and they can move on in a snap...there can be other reasons. And since you don't really know anything about me and my ex's relationship asides from what you've read here, I don't think it's fair for you to make any judgements about who's to blame. The person who instigates a break-up isn't always the 'bad guy'...sometimes what needs to be done can also be the hardest thing to do. Next time, do get all the facts before making assumptions.
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