Renewed

The past month has been pretty good. Good in that every negative feeling just dissolved into nothing and I feel almost like a third person looking at myself and my situation and analyzing things from a calmer and more positive perspective. I've been quiet about it coz' I wasn't quite sure if was just a temporary after effect of what was possibly my most emotionally challenging period. But it seems like the effect of that experience may have effectively short circuited the part of my brain connected to the ability to feel pissed. Or maybe I was so pissed, I completely exhausted my internal supply of pissiness. Whatever the reason, I'm no longer pissed, or sad, or lonely. I've just been thinking and digesting my newfound state of mind and now I think I'm actually happy.


I now consider it possible that all the shit in my life happened for a reason. Possibly to make me less judgemental of people who make mistakes when they are frustrated with life, which probably puts me in a better position to counsel people who are going through difficulties. It's easy to see someone doing something harmful to themselves like smoking, doing drugs, spending unnecesssary money til they go bankrupt and assume they are just idiots. It's easy because when you have not done something similar or equally stupid out of desperation, you have no understanding of what drives a person to do such things. Like I used to wonder why educated, intelligent people who are perfectly aware of the health risks of smoking would start anyway. I've talked to friends who are smokers. They know dang well that smoking is going to kill them faster, but they do it anyway because it's difficult to stop and they started doing it because something drove them to do it. And I kinda get that. I've also talked to people who have not made such mistakes in life, not because they don't have difficulties, but it's easier to not want to jump into doing stupid things when you have a support system like supporting family or friends. And well, they just don't get it, why I did what I did. Evidently I've come to the point where I think talking to happy people about my problems isn't going to help coz' they wouldn't understand and I wouldn't wanna make happy people depressed anyway. Talking to jaded people also might not be good coz' I'd make them even more jaded.

The best people to talk to are those who've gone through similar shit and come out of it with still a positive mindset. At this point in time, I only know one such person. And that person once told me that he's been working on trying to widen his social circle, try new activities and also considering volunteering for Befrienders to counsel people. And I think that's a path I should go along as well. I've been trying out Play By Ear guitar lessons, so see if I can do something more impressive on a guitar other than basic strumming. I heard about this new dance/fitness fad called Bokwa and sounds interesting, so I contacted an instructor and hopefully will join some workshops in the near future...maybe train to be a part-time instructor, depending on my time and interest. Maybe not jumping into the Befrienders things, coz' I don't think I'm quite ready for counselling to that extent. I'd be one of those counsellors that if some annoying teenager started whining over the phone to me about stories like she's in love with A, but A is infatuated with B, and B is a jerk, I might start to hurl. But I'm just doing easier stuff, like if I see a friend on FB in a dejected mood, then I just try to give some advice or lighten them up.


Another possibility is that going through many disappointments is a way of making sure I don't take for granted something good if I get it. My blog these past few years has been nothing more but me getting hung up on my problems. But not everything sucks. In fact, I have a lot of good things going for me now. I like the place I'm staying at now, even though it's rented but I have good neighbours and I have gotten to know some good people around my neighbourhood. I have an adorable and loving dog who always makes me smile even though he likes to high five me on the face when I'm on the couch or bed. I have some reliable and good friends, especially a couple of female friends who've been making a lot of effort to keep in touch with me since they knew about my recent meltdown. And most unexpectedly is that I've gotten very good pay raises in the past one year, and I've just been promoted to assistant manager of my department, though I'm on probation for 3 months, after which I get another raise. So finances are not an issue, I have no commitments, no husband to appease, no kids to take care of, and with my new position, I will probably have more opportunities to travel to places other than boring old Indonesia. And since I've had plenty of experience taking care of myself and being independant, I'm in the best position right now to get out there and experience the world and try to make a difference doing the sustainability related work I do. 

And to think, all this time I've been moping around about not being able to find love and feeling lonely. Good grief, how much time I wasted harping on that when I could have used my time better to unleash my full potential instead of hoping someone else would make me happy. Sure, I may never know what it's like to have someone I can trust enough to talk to about anything and everything. Or if I have problems, I have to fix it myself. Or if I want something or lose something, I have to buy it myself. Or if I want to watch a concert of a relatively unknown band or movie, no one's going to take the time to watch it with me just because. But since life has turned out so perfectly well that I can easily take care of myself and enjoy my independant life doing whatever the heck I want... well, I can't really complain now, can I?

Of course, I may end up living my life so much that I grow old with no close family or friends.... but well, my friend who's experienced shit and now feels positive about life also has an interesting idea on how he plans to deal with that. I won't go into the details, coz' it not something most people would think is a good idea. But basically. his plan is to be productive for as long as possible, and once he reaches the point where he no longer able to contribute to the world and no one is there to take care of him, then well, he'll simply take care of himself. 

Hmm, will cross that bridge when I come to it. It's going to be another weeks of travelling and soon I'm going to have to fly.

Footsteps

Well this explanation makes sense too.

He called me to say that two drowning people cannot keep each other afloat

And made it clear we can't contact again for a long time so we could both find ourselves again.

Today I visited City Discipleship Presbyterian Church and asked to visit a cell group.

I really feel like Switchfoot wrote the soundtrack to my life.

More irony

Well, it's been a emotional roller coaster month. I started off being really excited and really happy to get to know someone awesome, to being realy confused, dejected and angry to the point of suicidal thoughts (to be honest, it wouldn't be the first time I've thought of it, it's just that it would the first time I've actually said it out loud coz' it's the kind of comment that makes everyone uncomfortable) and now after the air is cleared and the anger subsided, I'm back to square one where another awesome person will mostly disappear out of my life again. He says otherwise, but I've learned from experience that guys can say whatever they want and most of the time they don't mean it.

The first thing I really don't like about this whole experience is it felt like I became like the most negative and immature person I know whom I never wanted to become. Negative, unreasonably angry and proclaiming intent of suicide which is nothing more than a depressing way to grab people's attention and make certain people feel guilty. I think it's rather ironic that I think said person became that way also due to multiple disappointments by men in her life, among other crappy life experiences, but most recently, that. Even more ironic is that the most of the guys I liked who have disappeared out of my life have the same thing in common. Highly intelligent and interesting to talk to, but have been severely disappointed by women they cared about resulting in them having issues that in turn make them disappear. Given how I'm seeing a pattern of how good people can get really messed up by such relationships, and honestly, I myself have little qualms about leaving a guy in the lurch if he's not to my liking, I'm not making any more effort to meet guys for a while coz' I don't feel it's right to spread the mess to more people. Maybe a long time. Maybe forever. I had considered some sort of revenge on the entire single male species by manipulating them for while then dropping them like a rock. Too bad I still have too much of a conscience to do such a deplorable thing. Perhaps that evil fantasy will take up a few pages in my book. Lol.

Another thing I really don't like about what happened is that I clearly was not able to control my emotions as well as I thought I had learned to. Primarily I guess because I allowed myself to hope again that this guy would be different from the rest. Well, he was certainly different...but the end nett result is essentially the same. And this time the emotional backlash was much worse than before coz' it was completely sudden and unexpected. It's again ironic that his issue was not being able to connect or feel anything emotionally with me, even though we had a great time together, while I, who have been trying to train myself to avoid getting too emotionally connected and even asked God to have some form of mercy on me by turning me into an emotional robot, have clearly failed miserably. This whole emotional suppression thing obviously isn't turning out like I wanted it to. Which makes things pretty tough. I'm always hoping the next time will be different. That little bitch inside of me continues to whisper little dreams and encouragement into my head, and whenever I listen to it, this kind of shit happens. On the other hand, if not for that hope, I probably would have made good on my suicidal tendancies a long time. Can't live with it, can't live without it.

So anyway, I decided it's best to channel my energies into other more creative things. The book idea is one fun way to kill time. Am also hoping to write more music, although I can't imagine how badly it would suck considering I only play guitar and I'm not even really good at that. Crazy things can happen on the wonderful world of Youtube, however. And unleashing my creative potential has been something I've been wanting to do for a long time, just never got round to it once I started working.

I've been listening to Switchfoot recently. They are one of the few Christian bands I still listen to regularly now, coz' they actually have the balls to write about the struggles a Christian goes through and their lyrics are poignant and thought-provoking while their music is just awesome. I would love to be able to write like them. I wonder when I'll stop wishing for silly things.

Psycho dog hater

Tonight I took my dog Friendster out to the field near my place as I do every day when I'm not travelling. I usually let him off the leash to run around and eventually he comes back to me. Previously he was well behaved. Lately he's been getting more naughty in going off the field onto the road, chasing the occasional cat, and barking at people. It's a bit exasperating and I try to punish him but he doesn't get it, but I don't want to restrict his freedom since I'm out all day and that's the only time he gets to run around.

Today at the field, he chased and barked at a Malay man and a young boy about 10 years old, probably his son, on a motorcycle for all of two seconds. My dog does this for fun and doesn't intend to bite. Most bikers also seem used to it and just go faster, some even laughing it off. However, this guy came back a few minutes later and started calling my dog. I was wondering what the heck he was up to and got a rude shock when he came over to Friendster and started swinging a spanner at him!

Immediately I was between the crazy guy and my dog, and I swear I have never screamed so loud in my life while the idiot kept trying to swing the spanner at my dog. At some point he could have swung it at me instead, but I didn't really give a crap. I had only my dog chain as a weapon and was ready to whip it hard enough to leave 10 stitches on his head if he so much as touched my dog. I was yelling at him to put it away, and I said my dog was like my son and if he hurt my dog, I'd hurt him back. At one point I threatened to report him to the police, which in hindsight was a useless threat coz' police here are useless and they'd side with the retard in a skullcap whether or not he was threatening bodily violence.

Fortunately he did not injure Friendster and my screams were loud enough that it drew the attention of car shop workers nearby that came to break it up and the idiot in a skullcap got on his bike and went off. Amazing thing is that he would do all that in front of his young son, who would no doubt learn that threatening to injure a pet of a woman is a very righteous and godly thing to do, or whatever it is these retards in skullcaps believe. Does nothing to enhance my respect for religious turds!

Now I'm worried the psycho will come hunt down my dog when I'm not at home and try to poison him or something. I have no choice but to tie him up at the grill now so he does not pick up foreign food.

Best part is just yesterday I told my dog that when he dies, I will most likely kill myself too. I'm not sure how serious I am or whether I would actually do it, but that mutt is one of the few things I really love right now that and keeps me company without driving me insane. Losing him would be very detrimental to my health. It's hard to believe it's a mere coincidence that this incident happened one day after I said that. Someone up there is really testing my limits.

Perhaps in a slightly more positive note, I had a chat today with the latest guy who broke me to the point where I publicly announced suicidal tendancies on FB. As immature as it may be, I was so pissed with him that I've been trolling him with angry texts and FB posts to the point where I wondered why the idiot didn't just block or unfriend me, after which I would proceed to stalk him in other ways. The fact that he was quiet the whole time just fuelled the insanity. Until today I berated him for having no remorse and still calling himself a Christian. Then he replied, very apologetic and explained his issues. He had two girlfriends before who had cheated on him, and although he wanted to, he could no longer connect with people although he tried with me. He'd told me before about his cheating exes, but his sudden disappearance on me made me think he was just out to hurt girls the same way he'd been hurt, and that's what sent me off the deep end. After he explained himself, I was no longer angry. And even offered to still be friends, which he accepted.

I can only imagine if I hadn't gotten his explanation today, I would have still been brooding mad and probably cracked the head of that guy in the skullcap anyway.

I seriously have to write a book about my crazy life one of these days. I'd make millions, quit my job and travel around with my dog doing the backpacker thing and working as a dive guide so I can dive everyday and get paid for it.