Ignorance is truly bliss

I'm intelligent and too highly principled. I'm not saying to that to show off or be self righteous. Because in some ways, it's a curse. Research shows intelligent people get depressed more easily. This video explains it quite well and perfectly applies to me :

https://youtu.be/lUeDTLBOiRk

How being intelligent and/or too principled negatively affects me:

1) I've had countless blowouts with my typical Asian mother who cannot accept that I have opinions different from her. And being opinionated, I have plenty thoughts that are different from hers. Any disagreement is seen as me trying to be rebellious who she wrongly raised. I now barely talk to my mother. Her side of the family (her siblings) also tend to get very loud and argumentative during every family get together, that such gatherings are simply more a pain than happy family moments, and some of them stopped talking to each other too. Obviously that doesn't do much for my depression

2) I over analyse every thing which causes me to make life decisions that lead my further isolation. Evidence of  overpopulation, global warming, and the fact that we are losing land which means less space for food production and living space, means one day soon very likely, humans will no longer be able to sustain ourselves. I'm guessing within the next 50 years or less, everything's gonna go to shit, poor and middle income people will be suffering from lack of resources to survive and the rich won't bother to help. Look at what's happening with the water situation in Cape Town. So I feel morally obligated to ensure I don't breed more kids that will add to the problem and put them in that shitty situation while I would probably be too old or dead. So I don't plan to have kids. So no one to take care of me when I'm older. I'll be old and alone.

3) I don't like being a burden to people and to some extent, me meeting up with friends and taking up their precious time makes me feel like I'm burdening them for wanting them to waste their time on me. So I hardly arrange to meet up with friends, though if friends ask me out then I usually happily agree. But on those rare occasions when I do try to arrange a meet up with friends, some are too busy, can't commit, don't want to come to my house cos of my pets (I have five dogs who might be one of the few reasons I'm still alive). So being rejected by their unwillingness to meet me after being invited just discourages me from making further effort to meet up with friends. And of course the less I ask people out, the more they think I don't care about them and the less they ask me out. Hence, further isolation.

4) I really want to be able to mentally connect with someone, but find it difficult to meet people who can accept my mostly depressing logic, like in no. 2. I post opinions on social media hoping just one of my few hundred friends can offer their own opinion, even challenge mine, so I can enjoy a mind stipulating discussion and even come out learning something new from them. But no one, not one of my friends, does that. Mostly my posts are ignored. No one wants a debate. I figure because everyone is too busy with their lives, or just see me as a noisy bitch trying to start arguments with people.

4) Due to no. 4, i figure I would be much happier if I could just find a life partner whom I could really mentally, emotionally and physically connect with, and at least with him around, it would make my isolation easier. But I'm also paranoid about being hurt or stuck with a husband I can't stand, coz my parents had a sucky marriage and I'm terrified of going though the same thing. Plus I get really annoyed with stupidity, and sorry to say, it's very easy for potential date to turn me off by doing something I consider dumb. So I've been single for years. Further isolation.

You might think it can't be that hard, too find one person, out of over 8 billion people, that I can mentally, emotionally and physically connect with. Not much to ask. But even that I can't get. There are ones I like and reject me. There are ones I like and like me too but are too busy or emotionally unable to commit. Of course there are ones who like me but I'm not interested. It been years of relationship disappointment and fear of being hurt that I've come to accept that my love life must be cursed.

Well, I actually did meet a guy recently that I  connected with perfectly. We enjoyed a couple nights together, great sex, great conversation. But guess what? Him being also highly logical and intelligent, he also suffers from severe depression that makes him withdraw frequently and for long periods. He has not spoken to me for over two weeks. I feel like my one shot at happiness has disappeared so soon. As you might imagine, that has sent me on the downward spiral that lead this post. Even if he didn't withdraw, he's of a different race. I've where in my country, if I were to him, I would be forced by some dumb law or by peer pressure to convert a fucking religion that that I don't believe in. A religion that even he doesn't believe by has no choice but to pretend to follow so he doesn't get ostracized by his peers. No wonder he's depressed. Can't be good for your mental health w when idiots force you to live a fucking lie your whole life. I want to date and potentially marry a person, not be forced into a fucking religion to be with someone I love. Amazing how so many idiots can't get that and think imposing their beliefs in others makes them better.

5) Because of this deep annoyance of over zealous religious people imposing their beliefs on others, which indirectly affects me as explained above, I regularly speak out against any form of religious control on my social media. I have no issue with people following a religion of it's done willingly and you don't impose on others. You can pray to the bonsai tree next to your house or believe that God is an invisible flying unicorn for all  I care. But I can't stand imposition of belief. Simple as that. But you know, in my country, speaking against such practices by people of another religion gets me into trouble. Especially when I'm now a relatively high ranking position in my company and have to be a good role model. I can't talk negatively about religious or political stuff in public coz that will affect my image and my company's image. Even though smart people should have the brains to know my opinions are not that of my company's, but hey, dumbasses won't. They'd happily complain about my ass and get me fired because their small grey matter can't accept an opinion or belief that challenges theirs. I mean I'm grateful for being in the position I am and having a good job, for sure. It wasn't even something I chased after but was offered to me. But I also find it stifling. Because I have to be a role model. I have to hold back my thoughts and opinions. I have to pretend to be someone I'm not. It would be bearable if I had that one person out of 8 billion people whom I could connect with and wouldn't judge me for who my unorthodox opinions. But nope, I can't even have that.

All the above and the thought that I will most likely die alone due to having no life partner, no kids and basically no one who really gives some shit what I really think has made me decide when I'm old and frail and becoming a burden to others, I would probably commit suicide. But even then I would have to find a way to have my body automatically disposed so not to burden others from cleaning the mess I leave behind, or I'd feel bad about that too. I'm thinking a quick painless death by inhaling high pressure nitrogen, while on a boat in the ocean with a rig that automatically dumps me overboard after I've passed. My body would be food for the fishes and no hassle for anyone. I guess I should start learning engineering to build that auto body dumping rig. Hahahahaha.

So yeah, being smart and highly principled is the bane of my life. At this point I wish I was born a dumbass, coz ignorance is indeed, much more blissful.

10 years

I met my first flame again after 10 years. After all that time, he looks the same, behaves the same, we still have the same arguments about differences of beliefs and still the same private affection for each other that goes unflourished which is partly due to distance but mainly due to avoidance to commitment. It was great to see him again and sucks to part ways after a few days, not knowing when we'll meet again. That is, if I ever see him again. It's times like these that my brain wanders into thoughts of what would have and can be, and then I have my brain to shut up and stop thinking so much.

Well, life goes on and another week of reminiscing with old friends awaits.

Pop goes the Carol

This month is going to be insane. I have to rush to prepare for two audits within less than 2 weeks, as in me being audited instead of me auditing other people (the latter being much more preferable) with little help coz' no one else knows or understands what needs to be done or how to do it. In addition to rushing to review many overdue reports from our sister office in a nearby country, which is always pushing me to do it fast, which is easily one full day per report at least coz' I almost always end up writing 5 pages of comments coz' that how the reports are (usually because of the poor English) and how annoyingly meticulous I am, and another bulk of my precious time is spent correcting that poor English. In addition to handling my department's admin, sales, and management tasks coz' technically I'm the only person in my department, though there is a new tech support girl but we've been so busy moving office that I have not had the time to even explain to her properly what I do and what she has to do to help me, and because she's helping prepare stuff for the move, she hasn't had much time to learn anything anyway. Now I'm going to be too busy even to sit down and teach her anything. In addition to flying around auditing clients myself and having to prepare audit reports.

And in addition to that, I have ot prepare for an upcoming two weeks trip to Australia and have not even booked my accomodation. I might just end up sleeping on a park bench in Brisbane and Gold Coast at this rate.

The stress was already bad enough a few weeks bad when the lovely HR girl in my office didn't bother to book baggage for 5 auditors flying AirAsia on a week long trip, because in the midst of painstakingly picking out flights for everyone and making sure dates and times were correct and providing their booking details, I forgot to tell her every other minute detail to make our lives on the plane a bit more comfy, you know, like booking check-in baggage and food. That time I had to take a time out in the washroom for 5 minutes coz' I was so mad and stressed, I was two seconds away from having my head explode all over the office.

If I wasn't so busy, I'd be learning some meditation techniques. Ok, gotta go.

Pharoah

It’s very rare for me for pray these days, but when I do it’s only when I’m really desperate and managed to muster up some small bit of hope that I will get a good answer. One of those rare times happened again recently, and again, I was disappointed. So if the Christian God is real, which I really doubt he is, did he single me out like he did to Pharoah to harden my heart?

http://www.christiananswers.net/q-aiia/aiia-pharaoh.html

If so, he’s doing a pretty good job of killing off whatever bit of faith I have left, for whatever unknown reasons he has to ultimately glorify himself. No serious shit, God, I’m sure it really glorifies you to keep disappointing people who really would just like to know that you give a hoot about them.

Red Velvet Cheesecake Day 2014

My 31st birthday was on Saturday, and am happy to say I had a pretty good celebration this weekend with family ad some friends. I am now jokingly referring to my birthday as Red Velvet Cheesecake day, because ever since my sister-in-law gave us all small tubs of red velvet cheesecakes made by her friend for her daughter's birthday in February, I decided it was officially my favorite cake. Firstly because it tastes so darn good, and secondly because the cake is red and as we all know, red is AWESOME.

The nicest birthday surprise I got was an unexpected surprise box of goodies sent by my brother and other sis-in-law all the way in the USA, including a board game, t-shirt and many healthy snacks (and some dental floss for some reason, which I'm not complaining coz' I use it often enough). Unexpected nice surprises are just as, if not more awesome than red velvet cheesecake.

The family dinner on Saturday was at Johnny Rockets at the Curve, where the food isn't really worth the price, but the fun thing about the place is the half hourly dance performances by the staff to all sorts of songs. Not all of them can dance well, of course, but there are those that really put their all into the dances, and are clearly enjoying themselves, which is what makes it fun. Also the restaurant theme is white and red, which is AWESOME.

Unfortunately it's not unusual during my family dinners for something to happen that will permanently or temporarily kill the good mood, usually something like a silly argument. That 'family tradition' happened again when I invited my dad for the dinner, and he decided to go to Genting Highlands in the day and return in the evening, so he had to make his own way there. I had sent him an sms stating the restaurant name and location and time, and he responded with 'ok', and nowhere in that sms conversation did he request me to call him around dinner time to confirm that we had already arrived. So when we were there at 8pm, we sms-ed me saying he'd be there at 8.30pm, which I saw and did not respond to coz' I thought, no prob, just wait for him. 8.40pm I got two missed calls and an sms from him saying 'No reply, I'm going home'. Bewildered, I called him to find out he had tried calling me to confirm we were there and decided to go home when I did not pick up as his friend was driving him and he didn't want to be stuck at Curve with no transport and have to take a cab back. Needless to say, I got pretty mad, since I had already confirmed everything before that and there were so many things he could have done way before 8.30pm to confirm that we were already there at the stated time of 8pm. It's kinda like saying that he minds taking a cab home a lot more than he minds missing his daughter's birthday celebration.

It's time like these that I don't mind not introducing potential suitors to my parents ever. Not that potential suitors exist, but you know, if they ever did.

But anyway, apart from that small gripe, everything else about the B-day 2014 for me was pretty good. No other untoward incidents happened at Johnny Rockets. My sis-in-law who's not in the US got me some mini red velvet cheese cakes, the same type which I fell in love with when she introduced it for her daughter's birthday in February. My buddy Selina, also got some church friends to take me out on her behalf, which is the first time anyone overseas has subcontrated someone else to celebrate my birthday with me. The sentiment is much appreciated, and I ended up having more church friends coming for the dinner than I thought there would be. Though they got me chocolate cake instead of red velvet cheesecake, it was still great. Had to cut them some slack since those red velvet cakes usually require pre-ordering for some reason. I guess because not many people have experience the awesomeness of red...velvet...cheese,,,cake!

To top off the weekend, I was taken out for a simple mamak hangout plus new boardgame session with a couple of good buddies, Sonia and Joanne. And I also got a call from another good buddy, Damien, promising to take me out end of April coz' he's super busy with lots of work now. I will hold him out to that promise, even though I'm super busy myself.

I am happy this year, that friends and (most) family took the time to take me out and send me presents from halfway around the world. Thanks to all who took the time, and those who will take the time. :)

Oh yay, this is (mostly) not a griping post!